


Scorched Earth

by Redclaire999



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Childbirth, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mild Language, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:48:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 48,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24233839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redclaire999/pseuds/Redclaire999
Summary: A near miss throws everything into perspective but can anyone really leave their past behind them?Scorched earth (adj): a military strategy that aims to destroy anything that might be useful to the enemy and thereby deprive them of assets and their utilisation.
Relationships: Ellie Bishop & Nick Torres, Ellie Bishop/Nick Torres
Comments: 231
Kudos: 141





	1. Ambush

**Author's Note:**

> My second story will be longer and darker than my first, you have been warned!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ambush: an act or instance of lying concealed so as to attack by surprise or those who attack suddenly and unexpectedly from a concealed position.

‘Aww _come on_ Bishop!’ Nick groaned, ‘not Taylor Swift again. I’ve had like two gridlocked rush hours and half a stakeout to this pink and fluffy stuff already this week. I’m begging you, _please_ ’ he hand-signalled a brain bomb, explosion sound effects and all.

‘Well, you should have let me drive, shotgun calls the tunes Torres! You know the rules, suck it up’ she chirped with her singsong voice, her head bopping along to another melody from her playlist that had hijacked his stereo.

‘You might choose the tunes, but driver calls the chow. Organic, vegetarian salad bar it is! I’m going to get some greens into you if it kills me’.

‘Come on Nick!’ she wailed, ‘loose vegetable foliage is for decoration _only_ , a side order at best…you do _not_ want to see me hungry…you wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry’ Ellie pouted her lips and scrunched up her eyebrows in her angry-scary face. She was so adorable.

‘I don’t like you _now_ with that god-awful, saccharine sweet _whining_ on a loop.’

‘Ok, ok, Taylor on my own time, but the _food_ Nick, you gotta give, pretty please?’ She dazzled him with her most winsome smile.

‘Tapas, my final offer’ he looked out the rain drizzled windscreen, ostensibly casing for their suspect but really trying not to get caught laughing at her.

‘Deal!’ she agreed enthusiastically, killing Taylor and switching on the radio instead.

Nick smiled, he was always going to go for tapas, Ellie got so excited about all the little dishes of different spicy delights, but it was also so much fun winding his partner up. They had only recently, _finally_ , got back to some kind of normal, working partnership. The whole Elena/Richard debacle was behind them, he hoped.

They didn’t talk about it, they had just moved on. Only in the past couple of weeks had they felt comfortable enough around each other to squabble again. He had missed their banter. He missed a lot of things. But he wouldn’t risk their friendship again.

Her words hit him again, different context but still true; ‘ _you know the rules, suck it up’_.

And he did, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how much he loved her. Friends, colleagues, partners; if that was all he got of Ellie then that would have to be enough.

_It would never be enough._

She slapped his shoulder with a backhander, dragging him out of his maudlin moment.

‘There, that’s our guy, green shirt’, she pointed at a young, slovenly-looking redhead walking across the rainy street, only a couple of hundred metres away from where they were discreetly parked. McBride was a former Marine who had decided to make some easy money dealing iffy party drugs to Navy ‘A School’ sailors, killing one and hospitalising two more.

‘Yeah, I see him, let him meet his supplier and then we’ll nab them both’ Nick carefully took some more long zoom photos, evidence needed to wrap the case. Heaving a deep sigh, he knew he was already regretting this surveillance op had been so short. He relished their time together without all the pressures, politics and gossiping of headquarters. It was just Nick and Ellie…and Taylor Swift.

‘You ok, Nick?’ She glanced up with a questioning frown from her phone, mid text to McGee that they had spotted their guy. Obviously, he still hadn’t learned to school his face enough, she always knew when he was down.

‘What? Oh, yeah, just looking forward to a ‘case-closed cold beer’, you game?’

‘Tonight?’ she sounded surprised; they hadn’t had any after work drinks in a while. His fault; he had tried to get a bit of distance from her, knowing alcohol was not his friend when Ellie was near. Every time he had a more than a couple of sociable beers, it was touch and go whether he could hold back from blurting out his feelings, to hell with the consequences. But he knew the rules, he would suck it up. It was _just_ a couple of beers, tops. He could do that.

‘Yeah, I mean, not _just_ us, the team, everyone.’ He scrambled to quickly clarify. ‘You know, it’s Friday night ‘Fries and Mai Tais’ at Foley’s but you probably have plans, huh?’. He glanced at her with trepidation, waiting for it, the knife that pierced his heart any time she said she had a date.

‘No, no plans. It sounds like fun…Nick, _there_ , grey Georgetown hoodie-,’ McBride and the new guy had tried to make it look like a casual, college pals encounter but, all the time, they were furtively exchanging packets of ‘chemical high’ poison pills for tightly rolled banknotes. Nick caught one perfect photo of an exchange, ‘got you!’ he muttered with satisfaction. Then something spooked the pair of felons, both started to look a bit jumpy. The hoodie dude elbowed McBride a nudge in the ribs and they both took off running, in different directions.

‘Shit, they’ve seen us! B, you take the side street, I'll go around the back’. They both launched themselves out of their car and bolted across the road, guns drawn, traffic screeching to a halt to avoid hitting them. Grey hoodie guy was fast. He was out of sight down a side lane of the building before Nick even reached the pavement, but they had studied the street layout; Nick only had to cut across one alley and he’d have him. Ellie ran straight after the McBride who took the next alleyway, blonde hair flying out behind her.

Hauling himself over mesh fencing and dodging past wheeled rubbish skips, Nick knew he almost had his guy cornered. The alley had opened to a small car park area, high walls blocking off any other exit. He could only take a left down the other laneway and Bishop would have him blocked in.

‘Come on man, give it up!’ There was always a _slim_ chance hoodie guy would quit running. Nah, of course not, the guy took the left at a gallop. Nick shook his head sprinted after him.

There was Ellie, she had her guy; McBride was facing her, hands on his head, shaking like a leaf, spilling his guts to her. She glanced over her captive’s shoulder at Nick with a smile, reaching for her utility belt to pull out her cuffs, as his own suspect skidded to a stop only ten metres away from her. Nick continued to train his gun on the guy’s back as he walked closer to cuff his suspect.

‘Ok asshole, hands on your head, party’s over’. The guy started spitting out curses, ‘You keep your mouth shut McBride, you hear me!’ he warned his partner in crime, slowly putting his hands out wide.

‘On your head, asshole, hands on your-,’

In the blink of an eye the guy pulled a pistol out of his waistband and emptied his clip into his crony.

Nick fired back, downing the guy, his body making a dull thud as it hit the ground, and ran to kick the gun out his limp hand. It was only then the silence registered with him.

Looking down the alley, McBride was laying face down, his back saturated with blood and gore from the rain of bullets. Ellie’s still body was sprawled underneath him.

She wasn’t moving.

The breath left Nick’s body in a whoosh.

‘No, no, no, NO! _Ellie_!’

Dropping his gun with a clatter, Nick dragged McBride’s heavy corpse off her petite blood-splattered frame. Her face was pale, ashen even, stark in contrast to the scarlet splashes that were sprayed up her neck and across her cheek. Nick sobbed her name again and again whilst running his hands over her, looking for bullet holes. He ripped her crimson saturated blouse open and saw, thank god, she was wearing her armoured vest. As he dug his fingers into her blood-soaked neck, desperately looking for a pulse, a groan escaped her lips.

‘ _Ellie_ , are you hit? Are you hurt?’ his panicked voice sounded shrill to his ears.

‘Aww crap’ she moaned raising her hand to the back of her head.

‘Ellie, honey, open your eyes, are you shot?’

‘Umm no, I’m ok’ she grunted, blinking and scrunching up one eye ‘I think I just walloped my head off the ground’ she groaned out in pain.

He lifted her head gently onto his lap and started trying to wipe the blood off her face and neck with the hem of his shirt; his hand shook uncontrollably as he fumbled with her blouse trying to close it over. Ellie squeezed his hand and hauled herself up to sit beside him on the dirty concrete.

‘I’m fine Nick, I’m-

That was as far as she got. He crushed her in his arms against his heaving chest. Holding her close, he tried to get some air into his lungs, but his breaths came fitfully, fear and panic still coursed through his body.

‘Jesus Christ, I could have lost you’ his panicked voice wobbled, his hands clutched her head, pulling her back so that he could look at her again, reassuring himself that she really was ok. Instinctively he combed her bloodied hair back from her face and kissed her, not once but several times each deeper and more desperate.

And she kissed him back.

Sitting on the cold, wet ground, surrounded by trash and blood and two dead bodies, they finally made sense. Ellie held his face in her blood-smeared hands, looking intently into his eyes, willing him to calm himself.

‘Breathe Nick, just breathe, I’m ok’ she leaned in against him, their foreheads connecting and she kissed him gently in the lips. He clutched her close to his chest again; his head collapsed on her shoulder and he took long, shuddering breaths. Ellie wormed herself closer to him; her head wedged into the crook of his neck and laced her arms around his waist. Their legs were a tangle of limbs, both of them were covered in McBride’s blood and they just held each other.

Sirens turned to footsteps and people shouting questions at them. Nick finally released her when the paramedics started shining lights in her eyes, and talking about shock. She was lifted out of his arms by two of them and placed on a trolley, all the while she spouted protests and reassurances that she was fine, it wasn’t _her_ blood.

_It could have been though._

Looking at the dirty concrete Nick could clearly see an Ellie-shaped void in the pool of blood already clotting to a disgusting, congealed gloop on the ground. He felt sick.

Gibbs finally broke him out of his trance with a bark, requesting a report of the shootout. He tried to keep his focus on the case but his eyes just drifted back to Ellie’s face, she was sitting up on the stretcher in the back of the ambulance, getting her blood pressure checked on one arm while getting cleaned off by the other medic . She seemed to be struggling in the same way he was; her hazel eyes held his, emotions flickering across her face despite everything all going on around her. She repetitively caught her bottom lip between her teeth as she tried to answer the paramedics questions while holding an icepack to the back of her head.

Finally convincing the ambulance crew, and more importantly Gibbs, that she was fine she was let off the trolley.

‘Gibbs, I think she should go to the hospital, she hit her head really hard’ Nick had to be sure she was alright; his nerves were frayed to shreds.

‘She says she’s ok Torres, McGee is driving her back to the Navy Yard, focus on the case. Sooner we’re done here, the sooner you can check on her’.

When Nick arrived back to the office Ellie was sitting at her desk, freshly showered, judging by her still damp hair, and wearing surgical scrubs that looks particularly gorgeous on her.

His did a quick visual assessment of her; she was ok, still a little pale maybe but ok.

Gibbs swept in to the squad room, as usual coffee in hand.

‘Good, everyone’s here, case closed. Preliminary documentation already completed will do until Monday, good work everyone. Torres, take Bishop home; concussion detail, you know the drill.’

‘Boss, I’m _fine_...’

‘Concussion protocol or hospital, Bishop?’ he gave her the options in his no-nonsense, level voice, the one you didn’t question.

‘Ok, ok’ she gave up the fight without much grace. ‘Nick, you want to take a shower here or at mine?’

He looked down at his shirt and jeans, both soiled with the blood of some insignificant punk who was nearly the cause of him loosing Ellie forever. Nauseating horror burned up his throat.

‘Here’ he decided adamantly, he sure as hell wasn’t bringing any of today’s filth back to her place. ‘I'll be 5 minutes, max’. He grabbed his go-bag and made for the guys’ changing room.

When he emerged, scrubbed clean and changed into sweatpants and long-sleeved t-shirt, he found Ellie, surrounded by the rest of the team, all checking she was ok much to her chagrin. Nick stepped in to rescue her.

‘Ok guys, I’m driving this stubborn lady home before she convinces you all she’s fit enough to dance the night away just to prove a point’. He said it in his usual jokey tone but McGee, Kasie and Sloane got the point.

‘Rain check guys, for next Friday night?’ Ellie added hopefully and beamed a smile when everyone readily agreed. Nick grabbed up Ellie’s bag from behind her desk and softly brushed his fingers against her thigh, ‘you ready?’ he whispered in a low tone only she could hear. His question had multiple meanings, _for both of us._

‘Um-hum’ she managed nodding, a rosy tinge flooding her cheeks finally dispelling the pallid hue that had been there since the shooting.

As the doors of the lift closed, finally leaving them in privacy, he felt for and found her hand. Their fingers intertwined and he rubbed his thumb along her knuckles. Ellie took a deep, steadying breath and her shoulders relaxed. She probably hadn’t realised she was holding herself so tense.

They didn’t speak. This was not the place. There was a lot to say and he didn’t want to be rushed in what he needed to say to her.

In the carpark he opened the passenger door for her, finally releasing her hand but only for a brief spell; once on the road he found it again and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

‘You’re probably starving, huh? We never did get your tapas. Shall I stop in somewhere and get you something?’

‘I’m fine Nick, I just want to go home’

‘Are you feeling like you need to be sick?’ he flicked an anxious glance over her, she was never not hungry. ‘Concussion watch remember?’

‘You’ve got to stop worrying about me’.

_Nope, not happening._

They got into her apartment and with the door closed every pretence fell. Ellie had her back turned to him, her fingers fumbled as she attempted to slide the door chain into place. He moved so close to her he could feel the heat of her body radiating through his clothes. He heard her breath catch as he leaned in, gently inhaling the warm vanilla scent from her freshly washed hair and placing a lingering kiss on the back of her head. Nick reached over her shoulder and moved her trembling fingers with his own to deftly position the chain in its groove. His other hand clutched her shoulder, his thumb doing mindless circles on her collar until he ran a lingering fingertip trail down her arm catching her wrist and pulling her gently around to face towards him. His touch elicited a hum of anticipation that escaped from the deepest realms of her chest; his own heart hammered against the confines of his ribcage triggered by the raw intensity building between them.

Ellie stood still, her hazel eyes looking up intently at him, trying to give him a moment maybe to say something. He had lots of words in his head, he really wanted to somehow string them together into eloquent sentences for Ellie, to explain his feelings, declare his love for her, but the words wouldn’t come.

Nick let his body tell her.

His hand released her wrist and instead caressed up the side of her body, slowly climbing from her curved hip coming to a stop when his hand held a palmful of her breast, his thumb lightly brushing the outline of the lacy edging of her bra he could just make out under her starched blue cotton top. He heard her sharp intake of breath in response. They never broke eye-contact, but he searched her face for any sign that she was not comfortable with his touch. When she bit on her lower lip and smiled nervously his willpower broke. With his free hand he threaded his fingers up her jaw-line and through her hair at the nape of her neck. Her back thumped against the door as he drove them back against the solid wood panels. He held his body close to hers, the need to get closer overwhelming his thoughts, his lips found hers and he kissed her, again and again and again.

And Ellie kissed him back just as desperately as he kissed her, her nails scratching trails on his neck, his jaw, hungry lips on his, searching for more of him.

The sense of urgency to feel _all_ of Ellie, her body, alive and responsive to his touch, engulfed him and he started a frenzied war with her clothes. The scrub top pulled off, Ellie’s hair mussed with static; he wasted no time shrugging off his jacket. He sucked in an unsteady breath as her tiny hands slipped under his own top and clawed his skin of his lower back. Nick stopped kissing her only for as long as it took for Ellie to yank his shirt up over his head in a smooth movement, his chest heaving with pent up emotion.

They still hadn’t uttered a word to each other, but their bodies said everything more articulately than either had a language for.

Nick slowly drew a fingertip path from Ellie’s mouth, along her neck, traced the outline of the curve of her breast and, threading his hands under her arms, undid her cream lace bra. He took a tiny step back to fully appreciate the novel view of her uncovered luminous skin. With his mouth peppering kisses along her neck, collarbone and now her breasts, he looped his thumbs into her scrub pants and deliberately teased them down over her hips. Ellie casually stepped out of the trousers now pooled on the floor, and with a knowing smile on her lips, she looked down at his sweats pointedly, there was no hiding his body’s reaction to her. She pulled him close against her now naked chest, skin to skin, her body strained against his rigid length, nerve endings sizzling with sensations and body heat. Slowly, deliberately, she slid her hand down between their bodies brushing gently against his full groin and up again to that area of his lower abdomen causing him to buck against her. Finally tugging on the tie-string of his sweatpants loosening them, her hands slipped past the waistband, past his boxers, sliding all his confining clothing down, liberating him. Her touches were nomadic; discovering and exploring, then expertly coaxing what she found. 

That was it, the point of no return. Her fingers short circuited his brain.

He lifted her up by grasping her thighs and she obliged by wrapping her legs tightly around his waist. He had planned to make it to the bedroom, but his body demanded having her now and the desperation engulfed him. Ellie sensed his need and with a bite on his neck she gave him free reign.

‘Ellie?’ he pleaded breathlessly, his chest heaving with the effort of restraining himself, his hands ripping her lacy underwear, the only barrier between them now; and she approved with a tilt of her hips positioning herself, readying herself, inviting him in. He found his way home.

The kitchen worktop was not the place he had ever imagined he would finally make love with Ellie Bishop, but it felt right all the same. There was a feral need to experience that passionate intimacy with each other, to know the other was alive, to _feel_ alive. They reached their hectic crescendo together, gripping and clawing at each other hungrily, still ruthlessly hunting to get _closer_ until the last.

But Nick knew, as his head dropped on her shoulder, panting with exertion, his body spent, that she had let him have this one. She must have known his need for her was the greater, this time. He felt her comb her fingers gently through the sweat dampened hair at the back of his neck, as she slowly and slightly stiffly untangled her legs from his waist. Lifting his eyes to her she had a wide smirk on her face, and he dropped his head on her shoulder again, embarrassment flooding over him as the sudden awareness of his actions hit him.

‘Ellie, I’m-, this isn’t how I wanted…’ a low groaned escaped him as he buried his head further in the crook of her neck.

_What must she think of him? Jesus Christ, his pants were still around his ankles._

She started laughing and kissed the crown of his head.

‘Nick, this was perfect’

He flicked a look up at her again, trying to assess her reaction, and saw her genuine expression of joy across her flushed features.

She had never looked so beautiful.

He reached up to her face, tucked a tendril of her hair behind her ear and cupping her cheeks, kissed her tenderly, trying to convey his love not just his lust. He needed her to know this was more than just some quickie home run, an itch that needed scratching.

‘I guess we should, um, talk about…’ he mumbled, trying to ground his thoughts.

Shaking her head, Ellie had her own ideas on that. Her tongue teased a pathway between his lips; it was a heavenly torment. He groaned again, this time as his skin heated to her touch, her hands so warm as they brushed against the muscles of his chest.

_Complaints? zero, zilch, nada!_

Nick adjusted his stance but stayed inside her, her thighs pressed against his hips. Standing there between Ellie’s legs, he swallowed as she deliciously hooked them around the back of his knees, pulling him back deeper into her. She moaned in response, rolling her head back in satisfaction. He had to work real hard on slowing his thoughts as she decadently straightened up, running her teeth over her lower lip, her eyes full of mischief and seduction.

Her tongue started mounting a fresh expedition of his mouth, a heady mix of entwining tongues and nibbling at his lips. Her skin was like silk creating a crazy, static electricity as they moved in synch with each other again, an enthusiastic intensity building once more. He growled in anticipation.

‘Torres’ she whispered; breath hard to come by.

‘Um-hum’ he managed, breaking out of another hungry kiss.

‘I want you, in my bed, now!’. It was an order he was extremely happy to comply with.

This time it was Ellie who called the shots.

That night they found each other’s souls. He shared himself with her in ways he never had with anyone else, not even Sofia. He had been young and innocent in those days, but life had made him a different creature. Eight years of undercover, submerged in murkiness, violence, filth and horror had took their toll. Ellie knew some of the darker pockets of his past, the damage it had done to him, the walls he had to build just to keep it all together, but with her could let his guard down, he didn’t need those lines of defence. She was a salve, a medicine created just for him, one made of love and warmth, passion and hope. He saw his future with her, and his soul rejoiced.

He woke as the midmorning sun streamed in through her window; they hadn’t managed to draw the curtains. Ellie lay sprawled naked against him, leg crooked over his thigh, her arm across his chest. He ran his fingertips from her hip to her knee whilst tightening the embrace of his arm, pulling her shoulder closer to his chest and dropping a kiss on her forehead. _Bliss._

Languorously she stretched, snuggling her cheek against him and kissing the skin over his heart.

‘Sorry, did I wake you?’ he asked combing her tousled hair back and tucking it behind her ear.

‘Yes, but I like this way of being woken up, way better than any alarm clock’ her smile lit up her whole face.

‘How are you feeling, how’s the head, I kinda sucked at concussion protocol huh?’

‘Oh I don’t know, you definitely checked me over, thoroughly, several times last night and as for _sucking_ I’d say that’s a skill in which you are very proficient …’ she giggled as his eyebrows almost reached his hairline in mock shock at her brazenness.

‘Oh, you like that do you Agent Bishop?’ he purred his lips finding hers again.

‘Oh yes Agent Torres, I’m a very detail-focused investigator’ her voice was like pure honey in his ear as her hand slipped lower on his abdomen. Things were just getting interesting when Ellie’s tummy very noisily interrupted them.

‘Right, I call a time out’ he declared pecking her with a kiss, ‘it’s time for food, no complaints’ he spoke over her grumbles.

 _Ellie Bishop turning down food to make out with me!_ He couldn’t stop the smile that fixed on his face.

He attempted to crawl out of the bed, she pulled him back twice for lingering kisses finally letting him go when her stomach complained again.

In the kitchen he switched on the coffee machine and rooted around her cupboards and fridge only managing to find the makings of Nutella on toast and a banana each.

‘It’s Saturday, grocery shop day’ she explained around her third slice of chocolate covered toast, ‘I hadn’t exactly planned to have a sleepover guest’ she added with a cheeky grin.

Kissing her bare, milky shoulder, he leaned back against the pillows taking in the full view of Ellie, sat crossed legged in the bed, sheets pulled up around her chest happily munching away.

 _I could have lost her yesterday._ The anguish had nearly stopped his heart. That was _before_. He knew he would never survive losing her now.

Breaking himself out of his morbid thoughts he cleared his throat.

‘Plan’ he announced, ‘shower, quick stop at mine for fresh clothes and we’ll head to that new Italian place you were talking about for a nice lunch…maybe some wine…and maybe an early night for some more ‘concussion detail’’ he added with a playful smirk.

‘Sounds perfect’ she smiled happily at him a rosy blush of anticipation on her cheeks.

It took slightly longer than they expected to shower, inevitably perhaps once he stepped under the water behind her. It started as washing her hair but before long he had slid his arms around her, one hand caressing her full, firm breasts, the other moving down over one curved hip, her skin slippery with fragrant lather, down further, his fingers sliding between her thighs. Nick couldn’t get enough of her.

_Yeah, a very late lunch._

They sat in the window table of Mulino’s, holding hands across the table and he had to try to control his racing heartbeat. She animatedly chatted away to him her face glowing, her freshly washed hair golden, reflecting the beams of late afternoon sunshine streaming through the glass.

_She is perfect and I can’t believe she’s finally mine._

Her phone rang and it was her mom. Mouthing an apology, she pleaded with her eyes for him not to mind her taking the call. With the caseload and stakeouts, she hadn’t called home last week and her family were important to her.

‘Talk to your mom, I’ll go get us some supplies’ he grinned, nodding his head toward the mini mart across the street. Leaving down cash for their meal, he kissed her forehead and she beamed back at him holding the phone to her ear. ‘Hi mom, yeah everything’s fine, great actually…’ she winked at him as he left the table.

Standing outside the restaurant he looked back through the window, taking in Ellie’s smiles and little hand gestures as she chatted to her mom, he idly wondered would she mention him to her family.

 _Plenty of time for that Torres._ He planned to be a permanent fixture in her life.

The weather had turned colder again, rain wasn’t far off, he quickly zipped up his jacket ready to step off the pavement when a voice from his past, from too many of his darkest nightmares, called his name.

‘Ricky Lopez, well aren’t you just a well-timed bolt from the blue’.

Her honeyed voice hit him like a bullet ripping through his heart, dragging him back to his worst horrors.

_Not now, please god, not now!_


	2. Friendly fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendly fire (noun) : the firing of weapons from one's own forces or an ally especially when resulting in the accidental death or injury of one's own personnel; shooting that is hitting you from your own side, not from the enemy.
> 
> Sometimes the person you'd take a bullet for is standing behind the trigger.

Ellie glanced over towards the street as her mom told her a very meandering edition of the latest gossip from around her hometown. The call was the same as ever, nothing too salacious, just a round-up of weddings, new babies, and nice new neighbours.

She didn’t tell her mom about her and Nick finally getting together, even though she struggled to pay attention to the conversation, her heart so full of exhilaration. Not yet. They had time for that.

Ellie had _wanted_ Nick for months; she suspected her mom had guessed she felt more for him than the ‘just partners’ line she had frequently given her when she subtly grilled her about how they seemed to be _together_ a lot. Of course, her mom had noticed when they _hadn’t_ been for a few weeks, when Ellie couldn’t, or wouldn’t, mention his name because she was mad as hell with him in a way she couldn’t put into words. Her mom always asked her ‘Nick’ questions in just the right way, Ellie was compelled to answer her but she squirmed and babbled uncomfortably, always saying too much to explain how they were ‘just friends’, ‘just partners’ or it’s ‘just work’.

Barbara Bishop would have made an excellent interrogator; no waterboarding or electric shocks required.

For months now Nick had teased her, goaded her, protected her but she never guessed he loved her. Their timing was always way off and ‘things’ had always seemed to just get in the way. Yesterday changed that. Finally, they had clarity and their timing, oh that was damn near synchronised!

She wriggled in her seat, a warm glow reigniting low in her abdomen as she gloried in last night’s revelations of crossed wires, mutual longing and long felt love…and the _sex_ , oh god the sex!

Her breath caught thinking about their love making, one night with Nick had blown away every other sexual experience of her life. Nothing would ever compare.

Instinctively she recalled the night before, herself boldly straddling Nick as he lay on his back in her bed, tracing her hands, fingertips, kisses, her tongue up and down over his body, all the while refusing to let him touch her.

_My turn, my rules._

Brushing her lips in butterfly kisses across his muscular chest as she trailed her fingernails slowly along his thighs, up the sides of his ribs and along the exposed underside of his arms as she placed them firmly back over his head.

‘No touching’ she had whispered in his ear, biting his earlobe.

She tutted at him in disapproval as he tried to lift his hands, his mouth, to her body again. She pushed him back onto the mattress watching his face contort in the need to feel her, taste her.

‘Not fair’ he sulked, growls of frustration emanating from his chest, tiny twitches shaking his body as he struggled to keep his hands to himself. When she repositioned her hips on his lap, teasing him rhythmically at just the right angle, she heard his desperation as he whispered her name hoarsely, ‘Ellie, please’ he had begged.

She had taken her sweet time but could wait no longer. He hissed in pleasure as she had taken him inside her… and only then had she allowed him touch her… 

The glow became a flame. She crossed her legs tightly under the table to quieten the burning tingling already building as she thought about Nick. Her eyes flicked out to the street attempting to catch a glimpse of his broad back. It had only been a couple of hours, but she needed his touch again.

She spotted Nick immediately talking to a well-dressed brunette; he obviously knew her well, given their proximity to each other while in conversation. To a casual observer everything about the scene looked ordinary, banal, but something about his stance, his body language screamed something was off. She didn’t recognise the woman, but Ellie’s gut twitched as she saw Nick lean in, kiss her on the cheek then smile at her, _that_ smile, the one that should be just her alone. 

She jerked her head back, averting her eyes in shock, her mom’s voice still chattering on the phone about some new bakery her cousin had opened. Ellie zoned out to the call.

Ridiculous, she was seeing things where there’s nothing to see. She must have missed something her mom asked because her mom’s tone had changed.

‘Eleanor?’

‘Sorry mom, what was that? I got distracted’

‘I said, you seem happier now you’re hanging out with your partner again, it sounds like a lovely restaurant. I’m glad you two sorted out your quarrel-sorry not a _quarrel_ a ‘misunderstanding’, right?’ Ellie could hear the smirk even across the thousand or so miles between them. She rolled her eyes heaven-ward, her mom was relentless.

Saying goodbye to her mom, Ellie was surprised to find Nick and the stranger still deep in conversation. She reminded herself firmly that Nick was nothing like Jake. And anyways he knew she was right here, literally sitting in the window in plain sight. The woman suddenly glanced over, catching Ellie’s eye but Nick happened to move just then blocking her scrutiny. She was certainly attractive, high cheekbones, piercing blue eyes, red lips. Ellie thought the woman was maybe anywhere between thirty and mid-forties, it was difficult to pinpoint her age. She looked polished, classic trouser suit, perfectly styled hair, smooth sculptured features, probably Botoxed regularly, and expertly applied makeup; Ellie took an immediate dislike to her. She was sure Nick would fill her in on who the woman was, she certainly wouldn’t ask. She would not switch to crazy jealous girlfriend just yet just because he was talking to someone.

Ellie felt uneasy though.

The woman left and Nick continued over the road and into the shop, emerging a few minutes later with a bag of items. Walking back into the restaurant he gave her an appraising look, scanning her with sharp eyes as if checking she was ok. She kept her face neutral, her mom always said you could learn more by not asking and just listening. She called it her ‘God gave us one mouth but two ears, do the maths’ philosophy.

‘You all set?’ he asked her, his voice husky but calm, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

She liked the huskiness; she had heard it a lot the night before.

‘Yep let’s go,’ heat flooded her face and her lower regions. She was all set to go again.

When they got back to his car, he disappointed her with a change of plans.

‘Hey, I thought we could pick up your truck from work then you’ll have it for tomorrow. You can drive it home now and I’ll follow you back to yours…in a bit’ he kept his eyes fixed in concentration on the road ahead, frequently checking the rear-view, hands gripped tight while steering, nothing like his usual relaxed, wrist draped over the wheel slouchy pose.

Ellie always noticed the little things; she had been trained to notice; it was her job to figure them out. Something was off.

‘You have something to do?’ she asked carefully.

‘Um, yeah, Gibbs called, needs a sign-off on some paperwork about the shooting yesterday’.

‘I thought he said it could wait till Monday?’

‘Nope, needs it today, Vance must be breathing down his neck’. She breathed out, relaxing a little. Vance _was_ a hard taskmaster about documentation deadlines.

‘I’ll come up and wait for you then’

‘Ah, no, no need’ he replied evasively. ‘You head home, I’ll do what I have to do and be there in no time’.

Was she reading too much into things?

She finally stamped down on the tiny worms of anxiety wriggling in the pit of her stomach when he reached over and held her hand again, not letting go until they got to the almost empty Navy Yard carpark. He pulled up alongside her truck and parked his car, turning off the engine.

His face was emotionless but there was a minuscule tightness around his eyes that he couldn’t hide from her. She knew him too well.

‘Nick, what’s wrong, has something-,’

He silenced her questions with a ferocious assault on her lips, he pulled her closer to him, manhandling her into position on his lap, trying to melt his own body into hers. The car equipment got uncomfortably in the way, but he continued to claim her, clothes clawed away. She straddled his lap, her palms braced on the car roof, as he gripped her hips roughly, plunging deep and desperately into her core. When his unsteady panting subsided, he held her face in his hands and took a long, lingering look at her, tracing her lower lip with his thumb and he kissed her again, tenderly this time. She expected him to smirk at the crazy fact that they had just made love in their workplace carpark, but he didn’t. He just cleared his throat and started adjusting their clothes back into their proper order.

‘I shouldn’t have done that’ shame flashed across his face; he couldn’t look at her now. This was different from what had happened in her kitchen.

‘Nick, I could have stopped you if I didn’t want it’ she reassured him with a smile. ‘Look at me, Nick’ his sad, dark eyes locked on hers, ‘I want you just as much as you want me. We’re finally together now and we have _time_ , to figure out how to _be_ together’. She kissed him gently. ‘Go, do the paperwork, we can talk more later.’

Maybe the thought of rehashing through the report of yesterday is upsetting him? Her very close brush with death had catapulted him into finally confessing his feeling for her, breaking down his walls to show her his raw vulnerability. Nick’s emotions always ran deep. The last 24 hours had been intense by anyone’s standards.

He stood beside her truck as she pulled on her seatbelt, he was still too quiet. Just as she knocked the gearstick into reverse, he reached through the open window and quickly kissed her again.

‘I’ll see you at home’ she told him with a reassuring smile.

‘Ellie, I-,’ he swallowed loudly and looked down at his toes. ‘Drive carefully, please’.

Back home she changed the sheets on her bed, except for one pillow, _his_ pillow, she smiled to herself. She had another quick shower and waited for Nick to arrive. As her clock read 8pm with still no sign of him she sent him a text, ‘Shall I order in something?’

No reply.

Maybe he was driving?

9pm came and went, now she was getting worried, something might have happened to him…scenarios from car accidents to terrorists flashed through her brain. She tried calling him, nothing, straight to voice mail. Just as she was debating calling Gibbs a text from Nick pinged her phone.

‘Something came up, unavoidable, I’ll call tomorrow x’

_Well, at least he is alive right, not terrorists!_

The ridiculousness of her overactive imagination hit her. Something had come up. He would talk to her tomorrow. Although miffed he wouldn’t be snuggling up in bed with her tonight, she had to admit she was exhausted after the night before’s and this morning’s… _jeez_ and this afternoon’s escapades. She had a bowl of cereal, pulled on fluffy pyjamas and crawled into bed. Before she fell asleep, she sent him a quick text.

‘We have time Nick, GNSDILY’

She fell into a peaceful sleep cuddling the pillow that still smelled of him.

Ellie woke the next morning refreshed but disappointed he had not bothered to reply back to the previous night’s text. Even before Friday’s events he always texted her back promptly, usually with something funny if not strictly work related. She spoke to herself firmly, the ‘something’ must be important, he’ll call when he can.

She set out doing all her usual weekend chores, the laundry; her sheets smelled of him, _them_ , and that was _two_ pairs of torn panties she had to throw out. She scrubbed the bath; her face flushed, and the fire reignited in her abdomen with the memory of his soapy fingers on her, _in_ her…

The kitchen… she decided to give up the cleaning.

She felt techy and wound up tight. She needed to see Nick, to put her mind at ease that he was ok, that they were ok.

At last her phone pinged, ‘Can you meet me at work carpark at 6?’

Agreeing to his request immediately, relief flooded her chest. Ever since the restaurant the day before something had felt off. Now everything would be ok, there must be some hoo-ha about the shooting. Maybe she should offer again to help with the report? Maybe he had just needed some time to process, _a lot_ had happened over the past couple of days.

She carefully selected black skinny jeans and soft grey top, one that had the habit of slipping down slightly over one shoulder, revealing her pretty matching silvery grey bra strap. Seeing as she had time to kill, she also curled the ends of her hair and applied a light coat of mascara and tinted lip balm.

She pulled up to her usual spot in the Navy Yard lot and her heart skipped to find Nick already there leaning back casually against the door of his car, arms and ankles crossed.

‘Hey, you’ she called hopping out of her truck, a smile beaming across her face. ‘So, what’s been happening?’ She was standing right in front of him and as she leaned in to kiss him, he flinched away from her. He wasn’t smiling.

‘Bishop, we need to talk’

And then he broke her heart.

As she drove home, his words reverberated through her. She hadn’t got it wrong; how could she get it _this_ wrong? He must be lying- to himself, to her! He just got spooked by their sudden intimacy…right?

She couldn’t cry, but her breaths came in shuddering jerky hiccups that she couldn’t control.

He had been so cruel; that wasn’t _her_ Nick. Her Nick would’ve punched this guy into the middle of next week for saying one tenth of what had just been said to her. She didn’t know this guy. He had her Nick’s eyes, and his voice but everything else was alien, emotionless, until he got angry with her when she stood in his way, blocking him, as he turned to leave.

‘I call bullshit Nick! What you just said, all of it, I call bullshit!’

‘It’s not bullshit, Bishop, see this is what I’m talking about’ he flared, arms flung wide. ‘I’m not a relationship kind of guy; you’re obviously into that kind of thing. Look, we’ve fucked, it was fun, a lot of fun but I’m just not interested in more’.

‘It was more than a _fuck_! Don’t reduce us to that, you’re just trying to push me away. But I’m not going anywhere!’ she reached out her hand to touch him, but he roughly pulled away. Stunned, Ellie tried to clear her head of the rising panic engulfing her. Her analytical mind pinpointed the exact moment her instincts had picked up that things seemed off. 

‘This has something to do with that woman outside the restaurant yesterday, doesn’t it? Who is she?’

‘Christ Bishop, bunny boiler much, back the fuck off!’ he spat at her. ‘Listen to me. We had fun, but you don’t do it for me, ok? You’re all cute bubble gum pop and nerdy books and I like _real_ women, _lots_ of them’. He ran his hands roughly over his face, shoved them back into his pockets and widened his feet to an aggressive stance, he almost seemed to be goading her.

‘Anyways I’m glad I’m moving on, problem solved’. Waves of indifference rolled off him, hitting her like cannonballs in the chest, but her head snapped up to him with that last statement.

‘Moving? _what_? what are you even saying?’ her voice was getting shrill with the effort of keeping from crying. He was hitting her with too many things to process all at once.

‘I put in the request a while ago, Vance _finally_ gave the ok. Back undercover, new assignment, I can’t do the office politics, the ‘we’re like family’ team crap anymore,’ he even did air-quotes for the ‘family’ bit. ‘It’s boring. Everything about it is boring, it’s been mind-numbing for months now, our little game was interesting, but I’m done with it now. So yeah Bishop, it’s been great, for the record you’re a decent lay but you really need to ease off on the needy clingy routine. It’s not attractive’.

And the insults kept coming.

Of course, she wasn’t his type, he could and did have anyone he wanted, she knew that. She also thought back over everything that had happened since Friday, back further through all the months and months of their being partners, friends. He couldn’t fake all that, could he?

No, there was just _no way_ , he couldn’t fake what they had shared. She could not accept what he had said, even though his words were blatant and clear.

_‘Everyone screws around in an office like this, you just took a little more work persuading.’_

That was bad but the worst was to come.

‘Stop Nick, just _stop_ this! I know you love me; I _know_ it. You said the words, Nick, we both did, and I know it’s the truth’ Ellie’s breath was getting ragged, her voice rising through the octaves, her tone adamant. 

‘ _Come on_ Bishop!’ He snarled at her in disbelief, ‘It was a _line_ , Jesus, I thought you were supposed to be bright’ he arrogantly jerked his head and rolled his eyes. ‘My motto; _‘Find them, fool them, fuck them and forget them’._ Shall I write it down for you?’

She had slapped him then, hard, the sting of it tingled her hand still. The image stuck in her head; his fists clenched, the red mark of her palm print emblazoned on his cheek, his face white-lipped, carefully blank but fury burning in his dark eyes.

He had left. 

He got in his car, the car they had had sex in only yesterday, in this _exact_ spot, and drove away, just like that, leaving her standing shivering with the cold or in shock she wasn’t sure. In a trance she got back into her truck and started to drive.

Every word he had spoken had been a dagger in her heart.

Ellie couldn’t breathe, the hiccupping became sobs; she wasn’t getting enough air and she clasped at her chest as intense, raw pain burned through her rib cage. Feeling lightheaded she pulled over her truck on a street she had no recollection driving to.

She felt sick, actually sick. She barely got the door of the truck open before her stomach heaved up its contents, retching adding to her panicky breathing. 

_I have to go home._

And for once that didn’t mean Oklahoma; it meant her own apartment, her own space. She couldn’t run back to her family with another tale of heartbreak and disappointment in love. And _this_ , this hurt more than all the rest. Nothing had ever come close to the anguish she felt now, it was like shards of broken glass slashing at her insides, prodding and cutting her with every breath.

She had to go home.

Her hands shook violently as she tried to turn the ignition. Wiping her mouth of the residue of her vomiting with the sleeve of her sweater, she realised her face was soaked with tears; when had she started crying? The whole drive home she replayed his words, again and again, and again, a waking nightmare on loop.

She knew she should be livid with him, how fucking _dare_ he say those things to her, twisting the knife with his cruel words, using her like a cheap, throwaway toy. She had never in her life allowed any guy to speak to her like that without smashing his nose at least.

But this was _Nick!_

She couldn’t be angry, she just felt…empty. The hurt was just too much.

It consumed her.

Once she got home, she fumbled again with the door chain, her mind flashing back to Friday, was that only two days ago? She struggled to fathom how so much had changed since then, how the wheels had completely come off her whole life.

Ellie didn’t even turn on the lights and there was no way she could face her bedroom, her bed. In the darkness a sob escaped her, she clamped her hand over her mouth trying to keep the hurt inside, but her body trembled and shivered with the effort. As the shaking took over, she just crawled onto her sofa fully dressed, rolled herself into a tight ball and cried like a broken-hearted child.

The next morning, she texted Gibbs calling out sick with a lame excuse of a migraine. Surprisingly he called her straight back.

‘Bishop, you’re needed here, so unless you have to go to hospital, I expect to see you in the office at 9am’. 

Something was up, some new looming national security threat, a serial killer, a bomb, a mass shooting… honestly, she couldn’t care less. She felt hollow, carved out, empty.

But she hauled her ass into work anyway because you didn’t say no to Gibbs.

She looked at herself in the mirrored panel in the lift on the way up to her desk; she looked awful, her apathetic eyes, red-rimmed and puffy, her face deathly pale. She had tied her hair back severely in a pony, make-up was just a step too far for her abilities today. Maybe when he saw her Gibbs would send her home after all.

She took a deep breath, readying herself to see _him_ , probably standing at his desk with his smirky grin, not a teasing flirty smile today but a sneer, laughing at her, at how she had fallen so easily for his lines. She was determined to ignore him, to freeze him out.

_Work, just the work_ ; she could do it, and nobody in the office even knew what had happened this weekend so there would be no fingers pointing, no sniggering at her gullibility, her naivety.

Putting her bag down behind her desk she unconsciously glanced at his cubicle, a habit born out of months of their friendly sparring.

His desk was _empty_. Not just that he wasn’t there, no, cleared of _everything_ belonging to him. His photo, his baseball, his notes, post-its and even his desk calendar.

Gone. He was _gone_ ; moved on, just like he had said.

She reached out to steady herself against her desk and thought she might be sick again but just at that moment Gibbs strode through the squad room and headed upstairs.

‘With me, Bishop’ he ordered and so she followed.

Once in Vance’s office, she waited for an explanation of the urgency of her being called in. The squad room had been calm; nothing had flashed over the internal comms board, McGee wasn’t even in yet.

_Maybe it was something to do with Nick?_

She sucked in a sharp breath; even _thinking_ his name churned the shards again, painfully piercing her diaphragm. She carefully schooled her features and tried to look attentive as she stood before Vance’s desk. Gibbs no doubt took in her dejectedly drooped shoulders and exhausted posture.

The guy missed nothing.

‘Agent Bishop pack a bag; you’re heading to the USS Roosevelt as emergency Agent Afloat this evening.’ Apparently, Director Vance was not one for pleasantries today. ‘Their current guy out of the LA office broke his leg, had to be airlifted out and won’t be fit to resume duties for 2 months. The carrier is currently deployed heading from Hawaii to Guam on manoeuvres before a refit’.

Her eyes flicked between Vance’s stoic face following his announcement and Gibbs’s, waiting for the latter to pitch up and demand someone else go. Apart from everything else going on she didn’t have good sea legs at the best of times, he knew that.

Her mouth opened and closed but no words came out. Gibbs said nothing either.

‘Boss can’t someone else go?’ she eventually managed to ask. ‘I’m erm…snowed under with caseloads and I’m heading the joint NSA team on cyber hacking. I can’t just go to the other side of the world _today_.’

‘Agent Bishop, you’ve been given a direct order. I understand it’s short notice, but our options are limited. McGee has a young family and has done his time, twice, as Agent Afloat. And with Torres gone you’re next on the list’.

‘Torres is gone?’ she tried to sound nonchalant, but it stuck in her throat.

‘Reassigned as per his request. Seems the guy got tired of us and with nothing to keep him here, he went back to undercover work’. His face betrayed his annoyance though his words seemed glib.

‘Bishop, I know you said you were unwell today. Pay a visit to Jimmy and get checked over. Your flight leaves for San Diego at 1800, you’ll be transported to the ship’s location from there’. Gibbs looked at her closely, concern was written on his face, but his voice cracked like a whip. ‘Go, get packing’.

‘Yes Boss. Is that all Sir?’ she asked Vance in defeat. Her stomach had plummeted, there was no way out of this transfer, and she had no strength left in her to fight her own corner.

‘Enjoy the sunshine in the Pacific, Agent Bishop, these assignments are usually tediously boring. You look like someone who could do with a rest’. His eyebrows lifted making his point.

_God I must look wretched!_

‘See you in eight weeks Bishop’ Gibbs added gently.

Pulling the door behind her she let the information sink in. Maybe this was a blessing, a radical change of scene for sure, but maybe the head space to work out how she had so misjudged Nick, her friend, her partner, her soulmate.

And then it hit her.

_Stupid Ellie, how could you have ever believed_ you _would be_ enough _?_


	3. Scuttling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scuttle (verb); to intentionally sink or destroy your own SHIP in order to prevent it from being used by an enemy.

‘Ricky Lopez, well aren’t you just a well-timed bolt from the blue’.

Her honeyed voice hit him like a bullet ripping through his heart, dragging him back to his worst horrors.

_Not now, please god, not now!_

Nick rapidly assumed a thrilled expression, forcing himself into a relaxed posture, while he did his best to get his heart rate under control.

_Think Torres! Think!_

‘¡Dios mío! Leena, is that you? Damn you look good!’ He hammed up the Latino accent; Ricky Lopez, his undercover alter ego, was a cocky bastard from Columbia and Leena King loved compliments. It was just about the _only_ human side to her character and it had taken months of his covert operation infiltrating her family organisation to figure that even much out about her. That time, that case, just over four years ago, still haunted him.

‘Flattery will get you everywhere Ricky, you know that’ she smiled widely at him, but it never reached her cold, hard eyes.

‘Promises, promises Leena’ he shook his head in mock disappointment, ‘you always did get me all worked up only to slap me back down into my place, huh?’

‘Well, I am the boss, wouldn’t look good if I went all soft over a puppy in the pack, no matter how cute. Not good for discipline’.

 _Shit, she’s flirting with me._ She only did that if she wanted something or she was conning you, because she had something over you, something else he had learned watching her for months.

‘Beautiful and wise’ he flashed her one of his best sexy smiles and seeing her simper back in approval he chanced his luck by leaning in and brushed her cheek with a kiss. ‘I miss those days working for you, fun times! So, what brings you to DC?’

‘The usual. Took a while to get up and going again after the fucking Feds raided, they cleared out most of my middlemen though, the operation is more streamlined these days. So, what’s your angle now? Noticed you were all cosy with the pretty blonde, business or pleasure?’

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

Nick casually shifted his position to block her view of Ellie already knowing it was probably too late. He knew Leena was a cold-hearted, cruel bitch who used personal ties as leverage to maintain her control over her organisation. He had seen her in action, like the time she sliced a girl’s face just so her employee brother would comply. He had seen a lot more than that. She had made a lot of people disappear. He swallowed down the rising nausea.

‘Business only. That bitch is _hard_ work; I’m _earning_ my money these days. She pays me a fortune to fuck her and make her cheating husband jealous, have to make it look ‘real’ though, holding hands and shit. His PI is watching us somewhere. Thank fuck the job ends today; she’s a fucking moron, and a screamer!’ Nick scoffed with an eye roll, thanking God he could still lie like the Devil on demand, a skill honed over his undercover years. He hoped it was a good enough yarn.

Leena laughed joylessly, but she had a calculating look on her face, had she believed him?

‘So, you at a loose end Lopez?’

‘I might be, for you! You got something cooking?’ he asked enthusiastically, rubbing his hands together. He really wanted to strangle the evil bitch.

‘Yeah, the old gig and new custom orders. Shipments of fresh stock coming in, new and used.’

 _Fresh stock_. The words sickened him, the case he could never let go of, the one that left him gutted for months after he pulled the plug. He had saved a few but not enough, not them all.

‘You still got your buyer connections?’ her voice almost purred, a predator ready to pounce.

And there it was.

‘I have a few contacts’ he nodded smugly. His heart was racing as he tried to think of a way to talk his way out of what was coming, without arousing her suspicion.

He knew it was hopeless.

‘You know that pretty face of yours makes lifting the girls easier, and you always were my most _enthusiastic_ enforcer. You want in, usual commission?’ She was a cesspit of humanity, he had failed to stop her before, maybe this was his second chance. His last chance.

‘Oh, say the word, boss and I’m there’ he smirked her an eager grin hoping that if he again flagged her title in pecking order it might flatter her some more. Leena liked her people to know their place and acknowledge hers.

‘Billy was sure it was _you_ that ratted us out’ she announced abruptly, ‘He’s doing 20 years with my cousin in Miami, swears he saw you being taken away by the Feds. You should be doing serious time, yet here you are.’ She gave him a penetrating look.

‘Billy was an alcoholic, cocaine-pumped psychopath who saw little green men most days’ Nick sneered dismissively, ‘the dude hated me after I caught him playing rough with the merchandise. Buyers don’t like it when they’re marked. And anyways I told you that day I was meeting with a new buyer in Kendall, _you_ okayed it’ he argued calming, using his stating the obvious tone.

‘Yeah, I did, didn’t I?’ she seemed to be weighing him up, her cold eyes constantly scrutinising him for any tiny glimmer of deception. ‘I take precautions these days’ she whispered conspiratorially. She didn’t elaborate but her eyes flicked over his shoulder. Fear twisted in his gut. Maybe she hadn’t bought his story about Ellie after all.

‘Call me, tomorrow’ she said, handing him an embossed business card for a corporate recruitment agency. ‘Ask for Magda, they’ll put you through to my private number’.

‘Anything you say boss’ he grinned at her.

She walked to the corner and a black SUV pulled up, of course she had a driver and massive bodyguard with her. Nick tried to look like he wasn’t paying attention, but he had memorised the plate as it pulled away. Nick was only in the door of the mini-market when he pulled out his phone.

‘Boss, I need to talk to you and Vance, urgently’ he took a shaky breath, ‘Gibbs, I need your help’

‘The office, one hour?’

‘Thanks Boss’ he puffed out in relief, his hands shaking as he hung up and thrust the phone back in his pocket.

 _Fuck, not now._ Just when his life was finally starting to make sense, as he had finally found his happily ever after, the poison from his years of undercover was seeping back into his life. He should have known he’d never be rid of it; happiness wasn’t for the likes of him.

His brain went into overdrive as he absent-mindedly threw cookies, snacks, groceries and a random bottle of wine into his basket.

Options, strategies, tactics and plans, each one rapidly rejected.

He knew what he had to do to put his demons to bed.

There was only one stumbling block: _Ellie_. His breath hitched just thinking about her.

She was good and kind and pure. Nick would do anything to keep the pollution of his past, the horrors that had almost destroyed him, from touching her.

He knew what he had to do to keep her safe. And it was killing him.

He didn’t mention Leena to Ellie, maybe she hadn’t noticed their conversation at all while on the phone to her mom. He could hope. But Ellie being Ellie picked up on his distracted vibe as he checked the rear-view again in case Leena had had him followed. She bought the story about him having to do paperwork easily enough but as he pulled up in the nearly empty staff car park, he made the fatal error of dropping his guard. Glancing over at Ellie’s anxious face, her worry for him, knowing what he’d have to do. This would probably be the last time they had together. Even if he made it out alive, after this, Ellie would hate him. He already hated himself.

Nick had to be with her, just once more, that wasn’t too much to ask, was it?

After, he was even more disgusted with himself, regardless of what she said to reassure him that she wanted it too. His behaviour was like a dog in heat, not giving a rat’s ass where they were, how inappropriate it was… how forceful he had been. He wanted, needed, so he had taken. He hoped he hadn’t bruised her in his rutting.

He couldn’t even look at her

‘We have _time_ , to figure out how to _be_ together’ She sounded so sure, so certain, but he knew time had just ran out.

He nearly caved as she went to drive away, he nearly blurted the truth.

Maybe there was another way around this nightmare?

How could everything have changed in just an hour? If her mom hadn’t called, if he’d waited to go to the store, if he had chosen another restaurant… his mind tripped over the ‘what ifs’ as raw anxiety gnawed at his core.

No, he had to stick to his hastily thought out plan. It was the only way to keep her safe.

He gave her a quick kiss goodbye and only turned towards his familiar work building when she turned her truck onto the street and disappeared from view. He forced every emotion burning up his throat down deep and repetitively flexed his tightly fisted hands.

He didn’t have time to feel sorry for himself.

At his desk Nick logged in and quickly printed out the file he needed, faces from his past flashing up on the screen, crime scene evidence, his own report of the time he spent undercover on this op. He clenched his jaw, steading himself and jogged upstairs tapping a polite knock on the door. Vance and Gibbs were waiting for him.

‘This had better be important Agent Torres, my daughter is home from college I’d like to spent some time with her this weekend, when she finds time for _me_ between social calls with her girlfriends, of course’, he added with an indulgent smile.

‘Thank you both for meeting me on short notice, but something came up, it can’t wait until Monday however much I wish it could’

‘What’s going on Torres? Spill’ asked Gibbs intently tapping the side of his coffee cup with his long index finger.

‘Yes boss’ he cleared his throat, focusing his thoughts and offered the men the pages from his file. ‘This afternoon this woman, Leena King, born Magdalena Kidriu, bumped into me on the street in Georgetown. Four years ago, I spent several months undercover mostly in Miami, in her family organisation as Ricky Lopez, a muscle man with connections, getting intel on their trafficking business’.

‘Why were NCIS interested in her?’ asked Vance directly.

‘Well first off, she was a Marine, served in Kosovo in 1998 as part of the NATO presence. Her family are naturalised US citizens of Albanian origin, the breakup of Yugoslavia was murky, her family took advantage of the confusion, into all kinds of bad. Secondly, she used her uniform and her inside knowledge to hoodwink potential female Marine recruits. Basically, they set up _ad hoc_ information stands about enlisting in bus stations, malls, then cherry-picked vulnerable but healthy, pretty girls, offered them a weekend away at a hotel to attend special seminars about surviving bootcamp or whatever. Once there, they were sold on like cattle’.

‘How come she wasn’t caught?’ Vance sounded surprised.

‘Evidence’ Nick answered succinctly. ‘Information stands about enlisting are not illegal. She _was_ a Marine, nothing on her file, honourable discharge. We couldn’t tie the trafficking to her. We only found out about it from a girl who got away, but she overdosed way before the court date’

‘Why didn’t you get her from your undercover operation?’ The Director asked the question he had asked himself so often.

‘I pulled the plug before I had enough evidence’ Nick shook his head, looking down at his feet in disappointed frustration.

‘Why?’ Gibbs, never one to elaborate, cut straight to the chase.

Nick swallowed down the nausea.

‘I wormed my way in as an enforcer but also as someone with shady contacts in the wealthy Latino community who might be interested in buying girls. I had enough information on the hierarchy, her cousins do most of the work moving the girls and I _nearly_ had her. I had the date; I just needed the name of the hotel of the next seminar session’.

‘Still not an answer, Torres’ Gibbs needled him again.

‘She got a shipment in … ‘ _fresh stock’_. Kids, Boss, a van load of terrified _kids_. I called it in, saved the kids, Feds caught most of her underlings and a few cousins. We got computer details of sales, money laundering. Even lifted a few buyers’.

‘But not Leena?’ Gibbs accurately surmised.

‘Not Leena’ Nick shook his head in frustration, ‘and not the last group of potential recruits she had lined up for the seminar. At least six teenage girls were taken’. He straightened himself up, that defeat was in the past. ‘So today she offered me a job; ‘the old gig’ and special custom orders. She’s trafficking potential Marine recruits again Boss, and I have a way in to get her this time’. He filled them in on the other details, enough to strengthen his case. ‘I need to go back undercover as Lopez, I need my old credentials, the whole electronic back story and I need it set up before I call her tomorrow’

‘Getting a little ahead of yourself Agent Torres, while there are obvious merits to his plan, it seems very _convenient_ that she just bumped into you today. Could she know you’re NCIS?’ Vance queried astutely.

‘My gut says no, I think she’s trying to rebuild her empire. She moves around a lot, we counted possible operations in twenty states, but Miami was always her home turf. She is ruthless, vicious and brutally efficient at maintaining order. She doesn’t just kill people or have them killed. She enjoys torture and she likes everyone to watch so they learn her lessons fast’.

‘And you want to do this Torres? We _could_ hand it over to Organised Crime, which to my mind would be eminently more suited to the case’.

‘Why Nick, why go back in?’ Gibbs gave him his piercing look, the one that demanded absolute honesty.

‘You told me once, everyone has that one job that they never can shake, that _one case_ that stays with them, eats away at them. This is mine. I need to be free of it’.

‘Ok’ Gibbs replied with a short nod.

‘Ok?’ Nick blinked in surprise at Gibbs’s agreement.

‘Yeah, it makes sense Torres, we have an opportunity, and we were _never_ really going to hand it over to the Feds, Leon’ he smirked at his supervisor.

Vance rolled his eyes. ‘Alright, I’ll make the calls. You’ll be all set to go under by tomorrow’.

‘I have an additional request’ Nick pulled himself up to attention, eyes straight ahead.

‘Go on’

‘Our team is close-knit; they are my friends. I need them _not_ to try to ‘help’ me. Any interference, any probing, could blow my cover and let Leena get away again. They can’t know about this assignment. I think it would be best if you let them know I requested a transfer because I was _bored_ with desk work. They’ll be so pissed off with me, they won’t bother to look for me’ Nick exaggerated a scoffing snort.

‘Ok if that’s what you want, that’ll be the story we go with. I suggest you get your affairs in order, by the sounds of it you could be gone a while’.

‘Thank you, Sir, boss’ Nick nodded in acknowledgment to both men.

Leaving the office Nick felt somewhat relieved. Now he just had to wait for Gibbs. He timed it well, so that they both got into the lift together. Gibbs raised his eyebrows and pulled the stop button.

‘Want to tell me what’s really going on, Torres?’

‘Gibbs, everything I said in there is 100% the truth’.

‘But there’s more’ he surmised with a raised eyebrow.

Nick rubbed the heel of his hand across his brow, a thumping stress headache was brewing.

‘I was with Bishop, for lunch. Leena spotted her; knew she was with me. I gave her a tall tale about her being a client, but I don’t think she bought it’.

‘Ok and you’re worried why?’

‘Leena likes to have leverage over her underlings, keeps them under control and from turning on her’.

‘Ok, so we give Bishop the heads up?’

‘ _NO_! no, we can’t. Look, Ellie is like a dog with a bone, you remember how she was searching for Chen, well, multiply that by like a million when she was searching for you guys in Paraguay. The DOD, damn the whole US government couldn’t stop her then. You wouldn’t be able to stop Ellie from looking for me’.

‘And why’s that?’ Gibbs had positioned himself directly in front of him, and Nick met his glare directly.

‘Because I love her, I finally told her, and she loves me back’

‘Bout time!’ he huffed with a shrewd smirk.

The man was omniscient!

‘I’m going to have to _untell_ her, Gibbs, I’m going to have to break her heart to keep her safe. Ellie nearly getting killed yesterday? I can’t _ever_ do that again. I can’t lose her’.

‘You might lose her anyway if you hurt her like this’.

‘Yeah, but she’ll be alive. It’s the only way. There’s not a snowball’s chance in hell Ellie would just let this go. If she pulls out all the stops, like I know she can, Leena will trace it back and she’ll find her. She’s seen her face and she’d link her to me. Leena doesn’t just kill, she brutalizes first. I can’t worry about Bishop and do my job. I _can’t_ do both, Boss’.

Fear, regret and frustration choked him off. The reality of what he was proposing, the reality of hurting Ellie had his eyes burning. He clenched his jaw and ground his teeth silently to stem a flow of tears that were threatening to fall.

‘What do you need, Nick?’

‘I need Ellie to be reassigned for a few weeks, away, somewhere she wouldn’t be able to track me. And I need to make her not _want_ to look for me. It won’t be pretty boss’.

‘Ok, the first part of that is my job, leave it with me. The rest, that’s on you Nick’

‘Gibbs’ he coughed and cleared his throat. Up til now Nick would have cringed away from telling _anyone_ his feelings. But he needed Gibbs to understand. ‘I want you to know that I love her for real, the forever kind of love. So, no matter what, no matter how much of a bastard she believes I am after this, I need _you_ to know the truth’.

‘Why me’,

‘Ellie’s kinda like a daughter to you, I don’t want you thinking I disrespected or played her in any way. Everything I do is to protect her, and yes before you say it, I know she can take care of herself. I want a life with Ellie. If I don’t get Leena now, we’ll never be free of her. She would make it her life’s mission to find us’.

Nick got a brief nod; Gibbs knew as well as he did that Leena would turn this into a bloodbath vendetta, he and Ellie would always be looking over their shoulders.

‘One more request boss, will you tell her the truth, if this goes bad and I don’t make it out?’

‘You’ll get it done Torres, and then you’ll come home and grovel until Bishop to forgives you. That’s an order.’ Gibbs gave him the death glare.

‘Yes sir’ Nick replied curtly with a tiny smile as Gibbs released the stop button.

Nick spent the rest of the evening boxing up his personal effects in his apartment, Gibbs had offered to store them in his basement. He couldn’t leave anything that could be traced back to anyone he loved in case his cover got blown. He didn’t have much but almost everything precious he packed had some connection to Ellie, team photos, a Christmas card, books, even that damn jar of lake water. He hadn’t realised she had invaded his life so much, without him even knowing she occupied a huge chunk of his work-life and her presence followed him home. She was always in his dreams.

He emptied his fridge, took out the trash, packed a holdall with clothes and ignored Ellie’s calls, each one slicing through his heart. Every call, text and voicemail were a reason to build his emotional walls higher, stronger and more impenetrable. He slowly began the process of becoming Ricky Lopez; hard, efficient, cold.

Her last text demolished his carefully laid stonework.

‘We have time Nick, GNSDILY’

Tears threatened to fall then, and for once he let them.


	4. Adrift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> adrift (adjective): (of a boat or its passengers) floating on the water without being either moored or steered.

Ellie lay on her bunk staring at her phone.

No messages, no texts, no emails, nothing.

His social media all deleted. He had even blocked her on Facebook, his account gone.

It was like he didn’t exist, like _they_ had never happened. Tears stung her tired eyes.

She swiped to the WhatsApp conversation she had promised herself she would delete weeks ago. Still no activity. He hadn’t even looked at it. He was no longer in the work team chat either.

Nick had left the group. Understatement much!

Still staring at her phone, she almost missed the polite cough.

‘Don’t do it, Bishop, don’t ex-text! You’ll regret it when you’re feeling better’. Lieutenant Fiona McCormack, Mack, spoke with the voice of experience as someone who had once forgiven then had her heart ripped out, shredded and handed back to her in a pickle jar, vinegar and all, by her fiancé. Oh yeah, her calamity had gone all the way up to the big scene at the altar. The tough Bostonian was her rack bunk-mate in their cramped 4 bedded ‘stateroom’ onboard the USS Roosevelt. Although Mack didn’t know any of the particulars of Ellie’s recent relationship catastrophe, she could spot a broken heart a mile off.

‘I wasn’t going to; I was, um, just looking at stuff’ she answered evasively.

‘You were checking to see if he’s been online again, don’t try to deny it, your scarlet face has guilty written all over it. Mind you at least it brought back a little colour to your chops. How are you feeling now?’

Mack was the Senior Nursing Officer onboard and was constantly eyeing up Ellie’s pallid features, weight loss and fatigue.

‘I’m better now that the weather has calmed. I might try to head up to the mess hall in a while, maybe more ginger ale’.

Ellie had suffered from seasickness from day one of this assignment, as she knew she would. Anything more than a stiff breeze and she was convinced the whole massive, city-sized aircraft carrier dipped and rolled just like her stomach. She avoided going on deck in daylight as her eyes seemed to just catch the ever-moving horizon, sending her back to the cubical in the ‘head’ to retch again. Everywhere on board was hot and humid even with AC; the crowds of crewmen, the pervasive smell of diesel fuel, the tight spaces, the constant noise, overwhelmed her.

Her tiny bunk was her only refuge and while most personnel onboard used their downtime to exercise, watch tv or hang out in the lounges with their pals, Ellie slunk back to her bed, pulled the privacy curtains and moped. There was no other word for it. Sure, she told herself she was resting, reading her Kindle or watching video clips of her family back home, but she wasn’t fooling herself one bit. It was like she was stuck feet-first in a bog; everything bleak and barren in all directions. The past hurt, the future was dreary, trying to just stay still in the now sucked her down further, into the suffocating quagmire and the darkness of her pain.

So, she gave up fighting.

She did her work diligently. Wrote her reports precisely and punctually. She participated in mandatory training, briefings, security conference calls and avidly avoided all social, morale-boosting, chitchat requiring, events. The food provided in the mess hall was fine, she just wasn’t hungry even when she wasn’t feeling seasick.

‘Well we’re only two days out from Guam, shore leave honey, dry land!’

‘Sounds great’ she forced a smile she didn’t feel.

‘All the nurses are moving over to the shoreside hospital for leave time, we have cool accommodations, you’re welcome to hang out, catch some rays, have a few beers before you head home’

‘Thanks, but um, I can’t’

‘Bishop, you need to get off this tub, find your land-legs and enjoy some tropical sunshine. It’s a first for me, a freckled ginger who wears SPF _one million_ to be more tanned than someone. Seriously girl, I’ve seen week-old corpses with more _joie de vivre_ ’

Ellie really wanted to agree to Mack, but she really couldn’t.

‘I, um, I’m not heading home. I got new orders’

Just that afternoon Gibbs had video-linked with her, just like did twice a week since she had been choppered onto the carrier, ‘just to touch base’ he said, though she suspected he had an ulterior motive. She just hadn’t figured it out yet.

‘Bishop, how are you doing?’ he’d asked steadily that afternoon.

‘Good. I emailed you that report you wanted on Petty Officer Lewis’

‘I’m asking how _you_ are Bishop’ Gibbs rephrased his question pointedly.

‘Fine boss, I’m fine’ she answered evasively, as she had done every time he’s asked that same question.

He said nothing just ‘Gibbs stared’ her hard, forcing her to divert her eyes from the laptop.

‘How’s the seasickness?’ he just wasn’t going to let it go.

‘Better, I’m fine. Did you need something in particular boss?’ she queried trying to change the subject.

‘I have news you’re not gonna like’

‘Like a Band-Aid boss’ she squared up, waiting for the next gut-punch.

‘Your assignment got extended, Hardy’s leg isn’t fixed enough to return to duty. Four more weeks, tops’.

‘Ok’ she replied shrugging her shoulders

‘ _Ok_? What, no argument?’ he tilted his head sideways, even through the screen she could see the surprise on his face.

‘What would be the point, and I’ve nothing to rush home for’ she murmured dejectedly.

Gibbs took a deep breath; she was sure she was about to get a pep talk or a chewing out. She got neither.

‘Bishop, I’ll talk to you on Sunday, enjoy your shore leave’.

Ellie tried to do as Gibbs and Mack had asked.

The first day of disembarkation she headed out walking by herself and found a tiny secluded cove. It was quiet, she was finally alone, and she didn’t feel sick watching the rippling turquoise waves lap gently over the beautiful white sand. She sat there for hours under a shady palm tree watching birds swoop and dive, listening to crickets humming and chirping, surrounded by natural fragrances of woody greens and tropical hibiscus carried on the balmy, gentle breeze. For the first time in weeks she relaxed, she felt not _happy_ but content.

Four more weeks aboard the hell-ship. She could do that, right?

At this stage she thought going back home, back to the office, was going to be harder. But she could do it. She had to.

Ellie mentally drew her line in the sand.

Resolutely she stood up and pulled her red sundress off over her head, leaving herself in just her bra and panties. She strode purposefully into the crystal clear, warm, lapping water and submerged herself fully. She stayed like that, under the water, feeling the current swish and pull through her long hair, the outside world silent and blue. It was just one minute but when she emerged spluttering a little and wiping the rivulets from her face, she realised she felt refreshed, renewed, _revived_.

_I’m done, this is done, time to turn the page._

The next day she went ashore with her female roommates, explored the local colourful markets, ate red rice and drank juice straight from a fresh coconut. Ellie joined the others to lounge by the officers’ pool, and actively tried to engage in conversations rather than avoiding like she usually would and as the evening turned into a BBQ party, she even reluctantly had a beer with Mack who beamed at her, recognising that the younger woman was really trying. Ellie had had a good day, but she had to admit she was exhausted. She was kind of glad when it hit 10 pm she could politely excuse herself to head back to her bunk. For the first time in weeks, she slept soundly, a night of dreamless sleep and woke up the next morning without tears on her face.

The next four weeks weren’t so bad. She continued to feel seasick but with the carrier anchored out in a sheltered bay, and the tides and currents remained calm and the weather was glorious. Most days it was just nausea rather than actually hurling for which she was joyfully thankful.

Mack still grilled her though, even on her last day as she packed up.

‘Bishop, did you actually eat anything today?’

‘Yes mom’, she smiled indulgently, ‘I had some fruit and some dry toast. I have to go ashore today on one of those rigid hull inflatables, urgh! You know with my stomach, the smaller the boat, the bigger my splashback finish! I can’t embarrass myself again with my turning green’

‘Promise me when you get home, next week, you go visit your doctor...’

‘I’m fine Mack, seriously’

‘Seriously Bishop, just this one favour. You’re a couple of kilos below underweight, you’re still too pale and those shadows under your eyes haven’t gone away even with all the Zs you’ve been catching recently. I know you said you won’t see a medic onboard but please, for me, a doctor’s visit. It’s probably just anaemia but humour me, ok?’

‘Ok ok, I promise.’ She’d do it for Mack, the woman had been nothing but kind and supportive but never intrusive. She owed her that much.

Saying goodbye, Mack pulled her into a brief hug.

‘Bishop, don’t _ever_ let someone hurt you like that again. And if he ever tries to crawl back, call me. As a nurse, I know lots of ways to kill him and make it look natural’ she winked conspiratorially.

Ellie laughed but, in her heart, she knew Nick would never come back.

She didn’t want him to.

Gibbs surprised her by picking her up at the airport and dropping her home. She felt awkward when he pulled her into a tight bear-hug, but it was Gibbs, prone to random outbursts of affection. In the car he talked about cases they had solved while she was away and cases still ongoing, bringing her up to speed. She still had three days leave to take before being back on duty, so she wasn’t expected back until Monday.

Once in her apartment, she noticed a pretty bouquet of flowers on the worktop. Her heart sped up for just a moment until he grabbed the card and read it was a ‘welcome home’ gift from Kasie. Someone had kindly restocked her fridge with fresh groceries too.

She could do this, she had friends, good kind friends. Remembering her promise Ellie quickly dialled her doctor’s office and made an appointment for the next day, before she chickened out and changed her mind. That done, she spent the rest of her day luxuriating in the solitude of her own home. She ordered in her favourite Chinese food and even had a couple of glasses of wine before defiantly heading into her bedroom. She thought that would be harder to do but she reclaimed _her_ bed, _her_ space, with fresh duvet covers, a scented candle, a bar of emergency chocolate on the locker and a chapter of the new book she’d picked up at the airport in San Diego.

She slept like the proverbial baby.

After leaving her doctor’s appointment she pulled her truck up outside the first bakery she came across. She was in urgent need of sugar. The place was busy, and she queued impatiently in the line, fingers trembling like they always did when she got really hungry. She really should have had breakfast, but she wasn’t hungry then. Eyeing up the gloriously decorated buttercream iced buns behind the glass, she chose three, not being able to decide on just one, and a hot chocolate, with whipped cream and marshmallows, all the Ellie food groups.

The sales lady rang up the price and it was then Ellie realised, in her rush to eat, she had left her bag out in her truck. She was starting to get flustered with embarrassment when an arm reached over and lobbed a debit card at the woman behind the counter.

‘Put it on mine Bernie, and can you add a mixed dozen of the muffins? Thanks’. The appealing, low-pitched voice spoke from somewhere way above her head.

Ellie turned around to object to be faced with the broad chest of a Metro Police uniform, she had to tilt her head back to catch his eye.

‘Thank you really, but I can’t let you, I’ll just dash out to my car and grab...’ she flushed when she noticed how incredibly gorgeous the officer was. An image flashed in her head, he reminded her of Thor, like with his short hair in _Ragnarök_.

 _God, could I be more of a nerd?_ Her blush worsened, and she quickly averted her eyes.

‘Really, it’s fine, I’m already buying a whole box for the guys back at the precinct. Please, it’s my good deed for the day, cops like an abundance of good Karma!’

‘Well thank you, Officer…Finlay’ she read his name badge.

‘No problem ma’am, you have a nice day’ he smiled, turning back to the sales assistant who was handing him his boxed up items.

God, she hated being called ‘ma’am’, ‘miss’ she could cope with even, though sometimes she felt it was being used to undermine her authority. ‘Ma’am’ just made her feel old. She chastised herself for even worrying about it, she had bigger things to fret about.

Grabbing her small paper bag and cup of goodies she headed back to her truck and climbed in. She quickly wolfed down the first bun and took a swig of her sugary drink trying to stop the trembling in her hands.

Too much to process.

She needed to get home.

She turned the key in the ignition and…nothing. She tried it a few times more, huffing with annoyance.

‘Not today Betsy, _not_ to-day!’ She bumped her forehead down on the steering wheel just as a squad car siren whooped and wailed behind her. Looking up she groaned, realising she had broken down in an illegal parking spot.

She heard a polite tap on her window. ‘Ma’am, you can’t park here, you have to move on’ the cop intoned blandly.

Of course, it was Officer Finlay!

‘I would but I’ve broken down, I think I’ve flooded the engine’ she grimaced apprehensively.

Recognising her from the bakery he laughed kindly, ‘Jeez, you are _not_ having a good morning, are you?’

‘You don’t even know the half of it’ Ellie smiled back ruefully.

‘I can have a look at it, if you don’t mind that is?’ She noticed his accent was slightly southern and his smile lit up his face.

‘Um, sure, if it’s not delaying you, I could just call a tow truck…’

He waved dismissively, ‘pop the hood, I’ll take a quick look’ As soon as he opened the cap on something the cloying smell of diesel fuel hit her with the inevitable result.

She clapped her hand over her mouth and desperately tried to open her seatbelt and the door as fast as she could. The officer’s head darted around the bonnet of the vehicle as Ellie started retching up into the gutter. Each time she thought she was done, another wave hit her. After a couple of minutes, she realised someone was rubbing her back whilst holding her hair back from her face.

Mortifying embarrassment hit her as she registered the disgusted looks from pedestrians on the footpath and that she had splashed officer Finlay’s boots and trousers with her vomit.

‘Oh my gosh, Officer Finlay, I’m _so_ sorry’ Ellie mumbled sitting down on a dry part of the kerb.

He just chuckled and handed her some tissues. ‘Don’t even worry about it, these boots have had worse on them! And it’s Finn, everyone just calls me Finn. Are you feeling better, shall I call for a doctor?’

‘I’ve just been to the doctor’

‘You have? Shall I bring you back there?’

‘No, I’m fine, thanks…but there’s nothing they can do’

And then Ellie burst out crying, hiccupping sobs.

‘Ma’am, um...’ he sat down gingerly beside her and patted her on the back. ‘Did you get some bad news at the doctor?’ he asked apprehensively.

‘Uh, I don’t know, I think I’m still in shock’

‘ _That_ bad, huh?’ his hesitant question was full of compassion. ‘I’m here if you want to talk about it? No pressure, of course, you just look like someone in need of a friend just now’ he added sincerely.

She nodded dejectedly, took a couple of sniffy intakes of steadying breaths and whispered,

‘I’m pregnant’


	5. Sting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sting:  
> 1\. A small sharp-pointed organ at the end of the abdomen of bees, wasps, ants, and scorpions, capable of inflicting a painful or dangerous wound by injecting poison.  
> 2\. A sharp, burning pain.  
> 3\. A complicated confidence game planned and executed with great care (especially an operation implemented by undercover agents to apprehend criminals).

Nick lingered in a booth at the back of the dingy dive bar nursing a mediocre whiskey. It wasn’t his usual tipple, but the dark, amber liquid worked much better medicinally to numb the cuts on the inside of his cheek than tequila. He had taken some hard punches tonight before finally knocking Carlos out cold.

He knew he’d be at the bottom of the pecking order of the organisation until he proved himself reliable and useful. That meant fights to oust top dogs and it meant doling out punishments on demand for Leena, or whoever she gave her orders to. He was familiar with the deal, do what you’re told without complaint and gradually he’d be bumped up the hierarchy, closer to Leena and the inner workings of the operation. She was never going to trust him with details straight off the bat. Nick, or Ricky as they knew him, was slowly making a name for himself in Miami as a hard-ass enforcer of Leena’s rulebook. Sometimes trying to stay on the right side of the law was…difficult. The people he was dealing with were evil bastards. They deserved no pity, but he did offer them a choice, accept a bullet in the knee or a visit to Leena. They all took the kneecapping.

That particular punishment was useful. It was rarely fatal and as the victims had to spend time in hospital, they could be lifted by law enforcement, especially as Nick tipped off Gibbs after each ‘disciplinary action’. They had worked out a communication system that seemed to be working well and had not aroused suspicion over the of months he’d been undercover. Nick glanced down at his burner phone, and the text messages page he had open. He had just put an offer in on a green Kawasaki ZX10R motorbike, the code for everything ok and was just waiting for Gibbs, as seller ‘Boat123’ to text back the bike was sold. Blue bikes indicated a kneecapped criminal was on the way to the hospital and needed to be arrested; red bikes meant he needed to talk directly.

A black bike bid meant he’s been made; he needed to be pulled out and send in the cavalry all guns blazing.

In Nick’s heart of hearts, he knew he wasn’t worth the bullets.

Nick looked up from the phone screen and almost choked on his drink. A petite blonde girl in a figure-hugging, thigh-brushing black number breezed in, way down at the front door, with a Latino guy, his arm casually draped over her shoulder. She hopped up on a bar stool with her back to Nick, her black, stiletto heeled foot tip-tapping against her boyfriend’s leg, her fingers intertwined with his, as they waited for their drinks.

His heart faltered as he stared, mesmerised by the long tendrils of her wavy, butterscotch hair. For a minute, just a moment, he thought it was _her_.

It was like looking at Luis and Charlie.

His heart thundered in his ears, drowning out even the rhythmic Cuban tune blaring overhead, and then the guilt and self-loathing came back.

He had tried to break it off with Ellie gently, that he ‘wasn’t into relationships’, the whole ‘it’s not you it’s me’ strategy, but she wouldn’t take it. She wouldn’t let go, no, she fought back and so he had to go lower, and crasser.

And still, tenaciously, she held her ground. She held out for _him_ , for _them_.

‘It was more than a _fuck_! Don’t reduce us to that, you’re just trying to push me away. But I’m _not_ going anywhere!’ she vowed stubbornly.

She had planted her feet firmly, determined to hold her ground, no retreat, no surrender. Impulsively she had reached out her hand to touch him, to comfort _him_ , but he abruptly pulled away. He couldn’t let her come close to him. His skin already burned with shame for speaking to her like this, her electrifying touch would sear his heart. He had to hold firm to the plan.

_Stay the course Torres!_

‘This has something to do with that woman outside the restaurant yesterday, doesn’t it? Who is she?’

_Fuck!_

Of course, she had put it together, she was the smartest woman he had ever met. Panic gripped him, he had _one_ chance to pull her off the scent, to protect her from herself, her own analytical mind. His stomach tightened in disgust, bile burning his throat as he spat repulsive, horrible words out of his mouth.

‘Christ Bishop, bunny boiler much, back the fuck off!’ he had snarled at her. ‘you don’t do it for me… you’re a decent lay but you really need to ease off on the needy clingy routine…’ And he had kept the insults coming, hitting her again, and again with his twisted, savage slurs.

And _still_ she wouldn’t give up on them.

‘Stop Nick, just _stop_ this! I know you love me; I _know_ it. You said the words, Nick, we both did, and I know it’s the truth’

It was the truth.

Again, his mind drifted back to that night, after their frenetic passion in the kitchen, after she had teased him into submission with her ‘no touching’ rules, they still hadn’t had enough of each other. They had lingered, straddled lotus-style, her legs wrapped around his torso, their arms locked around each other in an embrace, feeling their chests melt together in synchronised breathing and deepening kisses. Amber light from the street flooded over them as they basked in the intimacy of sharing their bodies, he inside her, slowly moving together, her breasts brushing against his chest with the rocking of their hips.

‘I love you Ellie Bishop’ he told her; his eyes locked with hers as his thumb trailed over her bottom lip. The words had come from his soul.

‘I know’, she smiled, ‘I love you too, Nick’, kissing his thumb affectionately.

‘I know’ he had smiled back, his heart almost bursting with emotion.

_I love you Ellie, please, someday, forgive me._

‘ _Come on_ Bishop!’ He had sneered at her, feigning disbelief, ‘It was a _line_ , Jesus, I thought you were supposed to be bright’

He could see the fight fading in her eyes, the pain he was causing, each blow a gut-punch to her trust, her faith, her belief in them, in him. He had to be sure though, she had held out still believing she could help _him_ somehow.

Her compassion, her love and her hope; he had to kill all three.

 _‘Find them, fool them, fuck them and forget them’._ Shall I write it down for you?’

She had slapped him then, the crack as her palm met his fleshy cheek still resounded in his ears.

She may as well have shot him because he was dead inside.

Her pale face screamed devastation, hurt, actual pain but she uttered not one word. Her chest heaved with ragged breathing and when he saw her frame trembling violently with shivers, he knew it was done.

He had to leave.

He wanted nothing more than to drag her into his arms, take it all back, take away every wound he had inflicted on her but instead he turned on his heels, got into his car and drove away leaving her standing alone, in an empty car park, her hair whipping around her face in the bitter, gusty breeze, her arms hugging her body utterly defeated.

He did that.

He was still trying to live with himself and his guilt ate into him every day.

So, he trained harder, worked out in the gym for hours, took beatings in the ring from guys way above his weight category, letting them land rib-crunching, face-bruising blows before he fought back. And he always fought back. He had broken Ellie’s, and his own heart for a reason. The job had to get done.

Then he would try to fix it if she’d let him. He wasn’t hopeful.

Nick’s phone lit up

‘GREEN SOLD, BUT I HAVE IT IN RED IF INTERESTED?’

Nick’s heart rate climbed rapidly with the text from Gibbs, he texted back the return ‘INTERESTED, $10K?’ letting him know he would call at 10pm.

Leaving his drink on the table he slid out of the booth and made for the door, giving the bouncer Joel a friendly shoulder slap on the way out, they had some to an arrangement weeks ago, giving him the head’s up when anyone came looking for ‘Ricky’.

Nick pulled on his helmet, kicked his motorbike into action and headed home to his characterless, white-walled studio apartment. The rental had come supplied with Ikea-style cheap furniture, more like a college dorm than a home. He didn’t care. Nick didn’t live here, Ricky did.

Nick rushed up to the rooftop sun terrace, always suspicious than Leena had bugged his apartment. He put nothing past her and her need to be in control. Fingers trembling, he rang Gibbs.

‘Boss it’s me, all clear to talk freely’ he rhymed off the customary opener.

‘Torres, how are you?’

‘Is everything…is she ok? Has something happened?’ he couldn’t hide the anxiety from his voice, why else would Gibbs red codeword him? He knew his boss hadn’t been giving him the full story on Ellie in an effort to keep his mind on the op. But Nick trusted Gibbs; he’d tell him if she was in real danger.

‘Nick, breathe, she’s fine. She actually got home today, I picked her up from the airport’

‘And she’s ok?’ He puffed out a calming breath and swiped his hand down over his face in relief. She was home, Gibbs would keep her safe.

‘I told you I had a friend watching out for her on the Roosevelt, Mack said she’s doing ok now’ Gibbs reassured him. He didn’t add that Bishop looked awful; pale, thin, hollow, a shadow of her old self.

‘So why the red?’ Nick tried to change the subject, away from the real questions he was desperate to ask about Ellie. Had she asked about him? Did she hate him? Did she still hurt like he did?

‘Leena’s been busy. Her cousin Alek was found with his throat cut in a gas station outside Baltimore yesterday and today her uncle had a messy accident with his lawnmower in Orlando’, his boss reported succinctly.

‘Fuck, she’s consolidating. Alek ran the protection racket side of the organisation but was probably thinking of splitting and going solo from what I’ve seen of him. He really didn’t like being told what to do by Leena. Uncle Pavi? now that’s interesting. He was the Godfather with the silver tongue, Leena’s always been his teeth. She was ‘fond’ of him, as much as its possible for Leena to like anyone. With him and Alek gone, she’s probably running the whole east coast.’

‘Thought you should know before the power plays start’

‘Yeah, thanks boss, though it means I’ll be at this for longer than I hoped…and she’s going to get noticed by other agencies. I’m hearing some references to shipments and brothels but nothing like the detailed evidence we need to bring it all down’.

‘Then we’ll keep going Torres’ Gibbs stated emphatically, his version of an encouraging pep talk.

‘Yeah, got it boss. I’ve climbed the ranks here in Miami, looks like I’ll have to start again further north when she settles on a new HQ. I’ll need to get closer’.’ he shook his head in defeat. It had already been over three months and he was still no closer to wrapping it up. The longer this undercover took the less hope he had of Ellie ever forgiving him.

And the longer he had to live with the guilt of what he had done to her.


	6. Debrief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Debrief (verb): When you debrief someone, you interview the person about an experience, project, or mission they've completed. Counselors sometimes also debrief people, particularly those who have experienced tragedy or trauma, and who can be helped by talking through their experiences.

Ellie’s eyes streamed with tears, blinding her to the danger of the knife until it was too late.

_Great, this gets better and better!_

Clumsiness was obviously another spin-off of pregnancy. She heard a polite knock at the door and grabbing a tea-towel she wrapped it around her profusely bleeding index finger and tried to wipe her eyes enough to see through her peep hole. Surprised, she saw Finn smiling like a dork waving her keys about.

Add forgetfulness to the list. He _had_ texted to say he’d pop over. Opening the door, she saw his face fall.

‘Oh, Ellie, did I come at a bad time?’ he asked sensitively, backing up a little. He had registered the tears first.

‘What? Oh _no_ , Finn, I was just chopping onions …’

‘You’re bleeding!’ he exclaimed grabbing the blood-soaked cloth and exposing the fairly decent wound, ‘Have you washed it?’ When she shook her head, he yanked her over to the sink and ran the cold water tap over the cut.

‘I don’t think it needs suturing…but it’s nasty deep Ellie’ he tutted, his face mirroring his concerned voice. Her hands were tiny, child-like, in contrast to his massive paws but he delicately examined her wound with gentle dexterity. 

‘I’m fine, really, just clumsy’ she reassured him, flushing with embarrassment. She was _not_ a needy person.

‘I have a medic bag in _my_ car, but I drove your truck over to return it’ he grumbled in his deep voice apologetically. 

She smiled at the bulky boy scout as she nodded towards the corner unit. _Of course, he was always prepared_. ‘If you reach into that cupboard, there’s a first aid kit, I have paper stitches. That should be enough’

Finn had already wrapped the finger in a fresh towel and got her to apply pressure to the wound in his calm, quiet manner. Searching her emergency box, he found the items he needed and with raised eyebrows when she tried to object, insisted on taking care of her injury.

‘All done’ he smiled when he had covered the wound with a dressing. ‘So, what led up to _this_ carnage?’ he asked with a pointed look towards her hand.

‘Oh, I was just chopping onions for a lasagne. I always try to batch cook something on a Sunday so I can just heat up a slice when I get home, it’s too late most days to start cooking. I’m back to the office tomorrow’. She grimaced a bit, really not sure what the week would bring. ‘Can I get you a coffee?’

‘I’ll take a tea if you’re having one, actually _I’ll_ make it, if that’s ok?’, reaching up to the tea caddy ‘my burns gel is in my bag too’ he grinned cheekily.

The Thor vision was going nowhere! She could see every sculptured muscle of his back and shoulders ripple and move through his plain grey t-shirt. He filled her kitchen, she had to retreat to the sitting room sofa or risk bumping against him. He was huge; at least 6’ 4’’, solid brawn, sandy blonde cropped hair and a light stubbly beard. He also had the bluest eyes she had ever seen.

She wasn’t interested like _that,_ but she wasn’t blind either.

He had been so good to her that first day, insisting on driving her home, even though she had puked on him, sorting out her truck and generally being a listening, non-judgemental, friendly ear. He hadn’t asked about anything, just listened as she explained that the pregnancy was a complete surprise and that no, the father was not around. Only saying the words out loud to a stranger, in a police car, brought the reality home to Ellie.

_Pregnant, alone, single mom._

What would she tell her parents? What about work? What about Gibbs! Questions whizzed around in her head, making her dizzy again. It was overwhelming.

Finn had remained placidly calm taking it all in until she had asked the big question.

‘What the hell am I going to do?’ she asked maybe rhetorically, maybe looking for suggestions. He took her up as the latter.

‘Well, I can’t answer that for you Ellie. Maybe talk to your mom, your family? What do you work at, you seem a little stressed about your boss?’

‘I’m an NCIS special agent’ she stated nonchalantly.

Finn whistled in surprise, taking in her petite frame and delicate features, ‘Wow, I imagine a lot of guys underestimate you, huh?’ he smirked in admiration. Ellie felt herself blush a little but damped it down. ‘Well, I guess you’re going to have to talk to this Gibbs guy’ Finn continued constructively, ‘sounds like you’ll need to assigned to lighter duties, less fieldwork maybe, to protect you and the baby’.

He coughed a little nervously keeping his eyes fixed on the road ahead of the cruiser he was driving her home in, apparently noticing his _faux pas_.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume you’ll be continuing the pregnancy, that’s your own business. It’s just the vibe I’m getting, I guess’ giving her an appraising look.

‘I always wanted to be a mom, but I never thought it would be like _this_ ’ she shook her head in disappointment.

‘Don’t write your dream off just yet; all things happen for a reason, even if it takes us a while to figure it all out’ he smiled thoughtfully. He squinted an eye and groaned. ‘And now I’m quoting my mom, could I be more lame!’ he laughed out loud, such a joyful sound Ellie couldn’t help but join in. The rest of the journey home was lighter chat, and she found herself smiling in his easy company.

Dropping her to her apartment, Finn had taken her phone number and truck keys promising to save her from a ticket and organise a department tow truck if he couldn’t fix it up himself. As much as she objected and offered to pay, he wouldn’t hear tell of it, more good karma for him he had laughed. He had texted her that night, just as she had crawled into bed after a soak in the bath and fresh PJs.

‘Hi Ellie, just an update on your truck. It needs a new head gasket. If it’s ok with you I’ll go ahead and fix it. Gives me something to do on Saturday, Finn’ Smiley face.

‘Finn, thank you so much, as long as you’re sure you don’t mind. Please let me know the cost. I insist!’

‘Ok, I’ll let you know. How are you feeling now, if its not too personal a Q that is?’

‘I’m much better thanks, and thank you for listening today, I appreciate your kindness’

‘Not a problem ma’am’ smiley face.

He had texted again on Saturday evening just to let her know he had fixed up the truck and would drop it back the following morning.

And like a knight in shining armour here he was to rescue the damsel again, making her tea and offering to chop up the rest of her vegetables as her hand was bandaged.

But she didn’t need anyone. She could and would manage by herself, like she always had …before Nick. She was _not_ needy, regardless of what _he_ had said.

She felt herself bristling even as Finn handed her a cup of tea and she thanked him in a slightly snappy tone. He was a cop, of course he picked up on it.

‘Um, I should go, I’ve probably invaded your space, huh? I’ll leave you to your cooking…’ he put down his mug timidly and backed up towards the door.

‘Finn, wait, I’m sorry, I’m just being grumpy. I get like that when I’m hungry. And you can’t go, I haven’t paid you for the work on the truck.’ She added with a bright smile, trying to make up for her crankiness. Finn didn’t deserve to take the flack. She reached for her handbag to get her wallet.

‘Nope, we’re good Ellie’ Finn insisted with his palms held up between them, stopping her advance.

‘I insist Finn’ she replied firmly, tilting her chin in determination.

‘Ok, ok!’ he checked his watch ‘it’ll cost you a calzone at that corner place 2 blocks down, it just opened like 20 minutes ago’ he added with a hopeful smile.

Ellie’s heart started to gallop, she rubbed her instantly sweaty palms on her jeans

‘I’m not interested in _seeing_ people Finn, I’m sorry if-,’ she blurted

‘Relax’ he chucked ‘it’s a pizza not a proposal!’ She took a deep calming breath and he continued, ‘Ellie, I meant what I said, you look like someone who needs a friend. You’re hungry and I’m _starving_ and so let’s be lunch buddies!’

It was nice to spend a couple of hours with Finn. They had similar backgrounds, both grew up on farms, his family owned a fruit orchard in North Carolina. He had two brothers and a kid sister; she had choked on her drink a little when he explained how his older brother gets mistaken for Thor, his name being Chris and that he was ‘a big guy’ he depicted him by flexing his own arm muscles in clarification.

_Geez what did his mother feed them?_

Finn had served two tours in Afghanistan with the army before joining the DC Police and they shared a laugh as he tried to remember his Pashto.

She felt much better about going back to work right up to when she parked up outside the building, well away from her old, ‘usual’ parking spot. _Too many memories._

Ellie arrived to her work station early and refilled her desk drawer with fresh treats, some were even somewhat healthy as her appetite was leaning towards savoury rather than sweet over the past couple of days.

‘Ellie, you’re back!’ McGee greeted her enthusiastically with a hug, but pulling away he looked at her anxiously ‘gosh, Gibbs said you were seasick _a lot_ , but you’re like skin and bone! Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I could have gone in your place if I’d known you were _this_ sick!’

‘I’m fine Tim, honestly, better now on dry land though for sure-,’ she was cut off by Gibbs striding through the squad room. ‘McGee let’s go, body in the marina, where’s Liu?’

‘Here boss’ piped up a young Asian guy rushing over to Nick’s desk. _No, not_ Nick’s _anymore_.

‘Bishop, meet our new Probi David Liu’ McGee helpfully filled her in. She barely got a ‘hi’ out when Gibbs shouted back.

‘McGee, Probi, with me, Bishop welcome back, you’re with Sloane, now, mandatory mental health eval’

Ellie didn’t object, she had a fair idea that a visit to Sloane would be on the cards.

As soon as she got to Sloan’s office door Ellies stomach started to squirm. There was no way she could bluff past Jack’s inquiring mind; the woman was as bad as Gibbs, omniscient. Ellie decided right there to face forward, Jack would dig it out of her either way.

‘Ellie, wow you look…’ Jack blinked in surprise as she pulled back from their friendly embrace.

‘Thin, tired, pale and generally unwell? Saves time’ she shrugged sardonically.

‘Have a lollipop and grab a seat’ Jack offered, her face readjusting to the altered mood in the room. Ellie picked a milky white, probably minty one and laid it in front of her on the coffee table.

‘So, we were _meant_ to talk after the near-miss shooting, seems like ages ago, huh?’

‘Yep, thirteen and a half weeks ago’ she replied precisely

‘That’s an odd way to count back’ Jack gave her a calculating look, sitting further back on the sofa probably readying herself for a longer session than she had originally planned.

‘I suppose, it’s more confusing when they tell you that’s fifteen and a bit weeks of pregnant’ she added with a wry smile.

‘Oh my god! _Ellie_ ’ she squealed, ‘that’s great, good… challenging… difficult news? Come on, give me something Bishop!’ Jack scrutinised Ellie carefully, her eyebrows rising higher with each option, trying to assess her feelings about it and failing.

_Made sense, I’ve still no idea how I feel about any of it!_

Taking a huffed breath Ellie decided to bite the bullet. ‘Before we continue Jack, I need to know this will be kept confidential, _nobody_ knows about all this, well except a friend and even at that I didn’t exactly elaborate’.

‘Ellie these sessions are private you know that, I can’t divulge unless you are at risk. So, I take it this wasn’t the result of getting busy on the Roosevelt? _Nick_ , right?’

Ellie just nodded looking down at the sticky dressing on her finger she was unconsciously picking at. ‘How-,’ she coughed to clear the squeak in the voice, ‘how did you know?’

‘ _Pluh-lease_ , that guy has been crazy in love with you for months and I know you…’ her voice cut off as she took in Ellie’s silent sobs. Jack scooched up closer to her and put her arm around her shoulder in silent support.

‘He didn’t love me Jack, he used me, for fun, and I fell for it all hook, line and sinker. He completely broke my heart and now look at me! Pregnant! And I’ll never be free of him, I’ll have to look at his eyes on my kid’s face for the rest of my life!’ She knew she was verging on hysteria, the little air she had hissed in her throat, her voice rising rapidly through the octaves until only dogs could hear her.

‘Ok Ellie, _Bishop_! Breathe, just breathe. You’ll need to explain this to me because I’m struggling here. I take it Torres doesn’t know?’

‘No! and I don’t want him to, ever! He up and left me right after we… you know. Reassigned to undercover, as per _his_ request’ she spat viciously.

‘Ok, and so you’ve decided to keep the baby?’ she asked delicately.

Ellie took another deep calming breath and let her shoulders drop. ‘I don’t know, Jack, I really don’t. I’m mid-thirties now, already divorced, Qasim, then Nick… I’ve wanted a baby, but I imagined a home, a husband or at least someone who loved me, loved our baby.’ She shook her head in disbelief. ‘Single mom is not _exactly_ the fairy tale’

‘I hear you Ellie but I need you to explain why you think Nick played you somehow, because unless he’s a really, _really_ good actor I believe Torres had serious feelings for you, mutual ones I’m guessing?’

Ellie told her what had happened after the McBride shooting, glossed over the more _intimate_ parts of that night in her apartment, about that horrible Sunday afternoon in the carpark and all the awful things he had said to her.

‘And then I was sent to the carrier and I was sooo seasick, I never guessed or even thought about pregnancy’ she berated herself. ‘And before you ask, yes, I was on the pill, no, we stupidly didn’t use other contraception. My doctor said that between vomiting and time differences confusing when I took my tablet, any effective level of birth control had dropped to nothing, and Bingo! Luckily, I stopped taking them altogether after a couple of weeks onboard, I was keeping nothing down anyway so what was the point. Doctor says the baby is ok though’ She pulled the ultrasound photo up on her phone. ‘I have to keep looking at it, I still can’t believe it’s growing inside me, right now’ she said in disbelief.

‘Ellie, I don’t know why Nick said those things, but I do believe this baby was made in a moment of love-,’

‘Find them, fool them, fuck them and forget them’ Ellie quoted bluntly.

‘ _Pardon me_?!’ Jack exclaimed, blinking in shock at the coarseness of Ellie’s reply.

‘That’s what he said Jack, how can you go from feeling such _love_ , real, say the words, love, to _that_. I believed him Jack, I _believed_ he loved me! I had been in love him for months. How could I be so naïve!’ the upset, the humiliation and the anger choked off her voice.

‘You fell in love Ellie, that’s nothing to _ever_ be ashamed of. Nick may or may not have had his reasons’ she held up a hand to stall argument, ‘but we can only look after _you_ , and that being said, you know I can’t clear you for full duty. You are going to have to tell Gibbs’

‘Can you give me more time?’

Jack looked down, shaking her head, ‘I’ll give you a couple of days is all Ellie, it’s a safety issue.’

‘Ok I’ll tell him, today’, she replied in defeat, what was the point in putting it off. ‘But Jack, I’m only telling him about being pregnant. I do not want anyone to know this baby is Nick’s. Let them all think it was some random sailor or whatever, it’s easier’ she looked away in apathy.

‘Nobody needs to know your private business Ellie. That’s yours to share if and when you want.’

Ellie got up to leave and picked up her lolly. ‘So, what did _this_ tell you about me?’ she asked twirling the sweet in her fingers.

‘Colourless, opaque? It says you are _sad_ Ellie, way down deep sad, and hurt, and that you are trying your best to hide it’ the older woman looked at her with compassion.

‘Thanks for listening Jack’ Ellie muttered with a polite smile.

Ellie waited until the end of the day, when it was only herself and Gibbs sitting at their desks doing paperwork. Her knee was jumping involuntarily under the desk and the repetitive sound of the tapping finally forced Gibbs into action.

‘Out with it, Bishop’ he intoned without lifting his eyes from the file he was working on.

Looking around to make sure they were alone Ellie approached his desk. ‘Boss, can I speak to you, privately?’

His head whipped up, ‘Ok Bishop, shoot’

‘I just want to let you know, um, that um…’ _damn this wasn’t easy_.

His eyes tightened. ‘Is something wrong Bishop, are you _worried_ about something?’ He asked quietly, he seemed to be asking a particular question, but she didn’t know what exactly.

‘I’m pregnant’ she blurted, a red blush burning her cheeks.

‘You’re… well that’s…’ Gibbs threw his head back and puffed out his cheeks, his lips moving silently, no doubt in curse words. She felt like apologising for some reason, then her irritation flashed.

‘Sorry for _disappointing_ you, Gibbs’ she flared, _where did he get off!_

‘Why would you think I’m disappointed in you, _ever_ , Bishop? It just… _complicates_ some things’

‘Tell me about it’ she grimaced but took his unspoken apology.

‘Are you ok? How …’ he took a hard swallow obviously wrestling with his stoic reserve and his need for additional information, ‘how far along?’

‘Just over 15 weeks boss, due just before Thanksgiving’

Gibbs seemed to instantly relax a little. ‘So, the seasickness?’ he smirked.

‘Oh that was real’, she nodded adamantly, ‘I was puking as soon as I set foot on that tub, and I was like only _days_ pregnant …’ she tailed off realising she had probably said too much. Gibbs, the all-knowing, would surely put that nugget of information with his other suspicions about Torres and herself.

‘Well congratulations Bishop’

‘Uh, Gibbs, I only just found out, I’m kinda struggling with the news, so can we keep it quiet. I haven’t even told my family yet. I’ve told Jack, and I’ll let HR and Occ Health know but I’d really appreciate discretion, until I get my head around it, you know?’ she was aimlessly twisting the hem of her blouse, really trying to avoid his penetrating gaze, waiting for the question about who the father was… It didn’t come.

‘Whatever you need Ellie’ he said softly, his tone drawing her eyes to his. ‘I’m always here when you need me, you’re not alone. I’ve got your 6, always.’ Unshed tears burned her eyes and her throat tightened. Hadn’t Nick said those exact words to her? She shook her head, dispelling the memory. That was before he shattered her trust. But she knew she could have faith in Gibbs.

‘Thanks Gibbs’ she nodded with a sense of certainty.

In the privacy of elevator, she wiped the single tear that fell. Though her heart echoed with loneliness, she realised she wasn’t alone. She had friends; they had her back.

And putting her hand gently over her abdomen she suddenly understood she would never be alone again.

Now she was _two_.


	7. Charlie Mike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie Mike: military phonetic alphabet radio speak for 'continue mission' , usually said after an interruption or a hiccup in a planned operation.

Nick was so close now; he knew just a couple more weeks and he’d have enough to bring the whole thing down. Months had passed, months of fights and beatings, punishments and manipulation, and crawling higher up, digging deeper into the organisation.

He was exhausted; mentally, physically and emotionally drained. He barely slept now, anxiety eating at him constantly that Leena would figure out what he was doing, who he was really. He was relentlessly on edge even as he offered to be her enforcer in Baltimore, Boston and now back in Miami, her home turf.

Time was running out. He worried that with his tiredness, his frazzled nerves, his constant battle with stress, he would let something slip and that this whole sorry episode of his life would be worthless, futile. That it would all have been for nothing.

It had cost him so much already. But he couldn’t dwell on that.

He had a rule to manage that pain. Five minutes, every day, he allowed himself to think about Ellie. Just those few moments to unwind in purer, happier, more intimate thoughts, as _Nick Torres_. It was a routine he depended on, first he dropped his daily check in text to Gibbs then his blissful minutes in the refuge of his mind, with Ellie.

Then the walls were rebuilt, and he forced the persona of Ricky Lopez to descend over him, dominate him, erasing the softer aspects of Nick, becoming the focused fighter he needed Ricky to be.

He had names, operational locations, safehouse details, dates, surveillance evidence but he still held out. Leena was moving a shipment of new girls in the next two weeks. He needed to save them and tie Leena to the business irrefutably. Then it would be done. And he could go home.

Gibbs had been in constant contact throughout it all. Offering his solid support and reassuring him that Ellie was ok. His boss was always very circumspect about what he told him, Nick knew he was keeping stuff back, something big. She was probably planning a crazy exotic, potentially dangerous holiday or maybe moving back home to Oklahoma or perhaps she was going back to the NSA.

Or worse.

His stomach churned at the thought that she might be _dating_ someone else. She was gorgeous, and funny and kind…and _single_. Of course, she was probably dating. Gibbs would _never_ tell him that. He didn’t want to know anyway. She was alive, unhurt, unharmed and that was all he needed to know.

He told himself that lie every day.

Back on the rooftop of his apartment block Nick breathed in the cool air blowing in from the ocean only a couple of miles away. Autumn in Miami was still hot, but the night-time breezes carried the scent of late flowering jasmine and roses from the neatly sculptured gardens and patios around the neighbourhood. Little did his polite, elderly neighbours know that he was a ruthless undercover agent up to his neck in the criminal underworld of human trafficking. Mostly they just thanked him for putting their bins out on collection day and helping with heavy grocery bags. Nick envied their simple lives.

‘Boss it’s me, all clear to talk freely’

‘Good to hear from you, how close are we Nick? I think it’s time to push it, you’ve done enough’ Gibbs had been giving him a nudge to get out the last couple of weeks. Nick knew the operation was taking its toll, he looked awful, the dark smudges under his eyes refused to go away.

‘Close boss, it’s either the warehouse unit 18 by the port or the old factory up in Hialeah. If it’s the port, they are moving the girls in shipping containers, if it’s the factory is by road trucks. Different teams involved. I need to nab Leena in the act, or it’ll be just her henchmen getting caught again.’

‘So, two weeks?’ Gibbs confirmed.

‘Yeah, I’m going to stick to Leena until then, I’ll text a silver bike offer for the port, white for the factory. You might not hear from me until the time Gibbs, I’ll have to go dark if I’m staying that close to her.’

‘I hear you Torres, when you drop the text, you’ll have 15 minutes before the cavalry arrive. If she’s not implicated enough or gets away, look dead but don’t get dead. You’re needed back here Torres.’ Gibbs stated emphatically.

‘Got it Boss’ Nick signed off, though he silently wondered would he ever be able to go back, a desk job, a 9-5 with colleagues, rules, structure. This stint undercover had done plenty of damage. Was he ever really going to come ‘back’ from it?

Was there ever going to be a ‘back’ to Ellie?

Ten days later he was sitting at a poolside bar in a five-star hotel on Miami Beach while Leena luxuriated in the private hydro pool with Marco, her latest twenty-something, good-looking squeeze. They were never involved in the business, just paid to warm her bed and look good on her arm. Nick had volunteered to accompany her as lead bodyguard while she met with international ‘buyers’ in the hotel. Nausea rolled around his guts, listening as these rich monsters casually placed orders for specific age groups, characteristics; very young natural blondes and redheads being the most popular requests. ‘Clean and untouched’ always a prerequisite.

Nick had their identities now and evidence enough, files and bank transfers…and bullets. His trigger finger itched each time he was present in the room with those animals. He had to talk himself down from ending them most days. No great loss to the world if he did _fix_ them all permanently.

48 hours. That’s all he needed now.

He sipped on his light beer, his eyes roaming the pool area for familiar faces, threats. Nothing.

He glanced up at the bar TV and something caught his eye. The news strip read ‘another fatality in the mass shooting in DC bringing the total to 2 dead 6 hospitalised’. He zoned out for a moment, shaking his head, mass shootings had sadly become so commonplace. He took another sip but before he swallowed, he started to choke as the footage rolled; the Navy Yard building, SWAT teams, police and ambulance vehicles…

‘Miss, can you turn it up please?’ he demanded urgently of the bar server, a sweat breaking out on his forehead, his upper lip, that had nothing to do with the heat of the afternoon or the humidity. 

Three days ago, gunman, inside the NCIS building… his heart jack-hammered in his chest as he strained to see or hear the names of who had been shot.

And then he saw her, on an ambulance trolley surrounded by paramedics and fully armoured officers.

He froze.

It was definitely Ellie. He took in the oxygen mask, the IV fluid bag, the silver emergency blanket…and the _blood_ on the white sheet hanging over the side of her stretcher.

He stood up in a daze and walked away from the pool area, Leena called something out to him, but the words didn’t register.

_Ellie was hurt._

3 days ago!

Why hadn’t Gibbs contacted him? Maybe he was one of the dead…

Nick jumped on his motorbike and sped away, looking for a safe place to call Gibbs and find out what the fuck was happening. If he didn’t answer he’d pull the plug on the entire op himself. Today!

The call rang twice before Gibbs answered with a terse ‘she’s ok Nick, I swear to you, Bishop is ok’

Nick’s chest heaved in shuddering breaths, ‘what happened?’ he demanded, not even bothering to try to be polite.

‘It was random, pissed off ex-Marine opened fire. Two security officers died in the lobby, another ten agents injured, one serious, four hospitalised, the rest were walking wounded. Gunman shot dead by SWAT’.

‘Ellie, what about _Ellie_?’ he snapped

‘She’s ok, like I said, getting out of the hospital today’ he reassured Nick, who was doing his best to moderate his tone but failing, his mind tumbling over horrible scenarios. Gibbs confirmed everyone else of their family team had made it out ok too. The constriction in his chest, his throat, eased somewhat.

‘Stay the course, Torres’ his boss ordered him in a firm voice, ‘it’s almost done. Where are we at?’.

‘She’ll tell us tomorrow which location so we can scope out the security detail, there’s a bigger exchange going on than I thought,’ he reamed off his report trying to ground his thoughts in the details of the case. ‘My gut says it’s the warehouse, too many international deals and handshakes going on. If that’s the case, it’s _big_ Gibbs, multi-agency big.’

‘Backup will be there Torres, just do what you got to do. I’ll see you back home in DC’ his voice unwavering in its determination, stating a fact not an option.

‘Got it boss’ he agreed.

Nick was going home.


	8. Digging in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Digging in: (Military) refers to an earthen or other defensive field fortification used in military conflict. It also implies investment in the stance taken and lack of flexibility to change position.

Ellie was having her fifth pee since getting to the office, and it was only 11 o’clock. She puffed a little in the effort of adjusting her clothes to cover her massive, bulging baby bump, her ‘Ellie belly’ as Finn had taken to calling it when he was out of slap reach.

36 weeks already, it was so surreal, but she was happier, now at least, with her choice.

Her effort to keep the pregnancy under wraps had lasted exactly two weeks. A Marine had threatened to kill himself downtown. The team arrived just in time to see his vehicle surrounded by a Metro PD SWAT team, thinking being he would attempt to use his side-arm. Instead he had rigged his car to blow up, throwing everyone close-by to the ground in a rain of shrapnel and glass. Ellie had still been in the NCIS car with McGee, but the force of the explosion rocked even their armoured saloon. Being tasked with taking statements only, she headed over to the paramedics assessing the injured police officers, astonishingly none of them had been seriously hurt.

A familiar face caught her eye.

‘Finn! Are you ok?’ she dashed over to her friend sitting on the back step of an ambulance with a bloody pad to his ear. Giving him a quick visual check over she could see he had multiple small lacerations over his arms and face but otherwise looked ok. He was in his full SWAT gear which had no doubt protected him.

‘Finn?’ She waved her hand in front of his face, calling him a little louder.

‘ _Ellie_! Christ what are you _doing_ here?’ he roared. ‘There’s been an explosion, I think it damaged my ears’ he pointed to his uncovered ear.

‘I know’ she mouthed with exaggeration ‘I was here for that’

McGee, Liu, Kasie and Jimmy were right there photographing the body, or what was left of it in the car, probably trying not to overhear their conversation.

‘You shouldn’t be here Ellie’ he continued to blare in a loud voice, clearly oblivious to his volume. ‘What if there’s a secondary device, it’s not safe for you or the baby’ he bellowed.

‘ _Finn_!’ she hissed trying to cut him off with a horrified grimacing glance towards her friends and a throat-cut hand signal.

Without even looking around she knew. _Too late._

All four heads popped up like meercats on the savannah.

‘Bishop, you got some explaining to do girl, um-hum?’ Kasie managed to formulate while Tim and Jimmy just stood there, goldfish mouthed in stunned silence. Poor Liu didn’t really know the team well yet but knew this would make for an interesting conversation.

Giving Finn a forgiving look, as he shouted spluttering apologies, the panic plastered on his face as he realised he had let the cat out of the bag. She hand-signed the ok signal and a thumbs up. The guy was only looking out for her after all, she really shouldn’t have been at an active scene.

She turned to her workmates all lined up around her and puffing out her cheeks, got on with telling them.

‘Ok guys yes, I’m pregnant, due mid-November’. She was met with a squeal of happiness and loads of congratulatory kisses.

‘OMG Bishop, that’s amazing but your hunk of man flesh over there is right, you _shouldn’t_ be here!’ Kasie hugged her quickly and almost dragged her to the forensics van. Ellie hand signalled a phone back over to Finn to call her later and he thumbs upped her.

Ellie didn’t lie _exactly_ ; it was more an untruth caused by omission. She just didn’t _exactly_ correct the guys when they assumed Finn was her baby’s father. Easy mistake to make but it took the heat off her …and she really didn’t feel up to answering ‘Nick’ questions.

So, she let it lie.

The omission was confirmed later that evening when she texted Finn to see how he was from Kasie’s lab.

‘Still in ER, have to stay, concussion protocol’ sad face

‘Can’t you do that at home?’ Ellie replied, worried he was more seriously hurt than he was letting on. She had gotten a little used to his daily text messages, mostly memes and fun stuff and they had been ‘lunch buddies’ a couple of times when he had been working in the area, and on Sundays.

‘Nope, live alone, no family in town, guys all working, have to be supervised’ followed by a rolling eyes emoji

Biting on her lower lip she made a decision. As a _friend_ she couldn’t leave him at the hospital all night, not after she had vomited, cried and bled on him in the past couple of weeks alone. No, that wouldn’t be right.

‘Finn, I’m coming to get you, you can stay at mine on the sofa, I’ll head check you’ she texted back.

‘Ellie no, it’s fine’

‘I insist Finn. I’ll be there in 30mins’

‘K, thanks Ellie’

Looking up at her friend still examining the IED from the earlier car bomb Ellie faltered ‘Um… Kasie, I have to go. Rain check on the food?’

‘Better offer?’

‘No, nothing like that, Finn needs picking up from the ER, concussion detail tonight’

‘Is _that_ what it’s called?’ she almost sing-songed the words in delight. The memory of Nick and their night of ‘concussion checks’ sprang into her mind, her face flushed berry red. Again, Kasie got the wrong idea, thinking Finn was the cause of her embarrassment. Ellie didn’t correct that one either.

Finn had spent the night on her couch, after he insisted on shouting her a Chinese take out and a large tub of ice-cream. They both picked chocolate chip.

Nothing happened of course. They really were just friends and as the weeks and months rolled on, they continued in that vein. Just friends, who enjoyed meals and movies, who text each other every day, sometimes twice, sometimes more. It was nice… even if she did feel a tiny bit guilty that Finn himself might be getting the wrong idea. But he told her he went on dates, few and far between, mostly set up by his sister it seemed. She lived in Boston but had gone to college here in DC.

He would tell her about how badly he always messed up his dates, his cringeworthy stories were like a comedy act. He reckoned flirting did not come naturally to him, so he had lots of really good friends who happened to be girls, at home in North Carolina and at work in DC.

And Ellie, of course.

He brought her the odd foods she craved, which was quite a challenge with her already weird taste tendencies. He helped put together the baby furniture she had chosen to turn the tiny study room into a snug nursery and even rearranged his work duty roster to come to baby classes with her after she came home from the first one flustered and embarrassed at being the only mom-to-be without a ‘daddy’ type sitting with her. She never asked him to do these things he just volunteered much to her dismay and delight. She apologised for being so _time-consuming_ as a friend.

He laughed it off, as he did with most things she got embarrassed about.

His good karma pot must be overflowing she thought, as she again tried to adjust her maternity trousers up and her top down over her ‘Ellie belly’ in the staff bathroom mirror.

Then she heard automatic gun fire.

And screams

Then return fire.

She didn’t have her gun with her, she had left it in her secure desk drawer as the holster didn’t fit around her rotund figure anymore. There was nobody else in the bathroom so she decided to barricade herself in as best she could until the situation became clearer. Ellie wedged the tall trash bin under the handle of the door and tried to call Gibbs to no avail. Of course not, she berated herself, he and the team were out on a submarine case in Norfolk, their signal was probably jammed for security. Her phone started buzzing.

Finn.

‘ _Ellie_! Where are you? There’s an active shooter in your building!’

‘I’m ok, I’m hunkering down in the lady’s bathroom on my floor. I can hear gun fire, what’s happening?’

‘Stay where you are, I’m coming for you, do _not_ open the door to anyone but me, understood?’ he ordered her, his tone so firm she struggled to fit it with his usual relaxed voice.

‘Finn?’ she couldn’t mask the anxiety in her voice.

‘I’m coming for you Ellie, sit tight’

She waited, chewing at her fingernails, a bad habit she had forced herself out of back in high school. The baby did one of its big stretches and leaned on her bladder, she had to pee again, but she held out. Her back was aching, so she sat on the closed toilet seat in a cubical trying to practice all those calming breathing exercises the midwives raved on and on about at her birthing classes.

Suddenly she heard another volley of gunshots closer, _much_ closer this time. There was a crack and a smash as a bullet came through the timber of the door and shattered the glass mirror, where she had just been standing moments before. Ellie threw herself on the floor, rolling herself up tight as best she could, wedged between the last toilet and the wall, trying to protect her baby.

The bins wouldn’t stop a determined person from getting in, she knew that, and she fought against the nausea burning her throat as she knew she had nothing to defend herself with. Looking at the floor she spied a long shard of mirrored glass. She took a fist full of toilet paper and wrapped it carefully around one end of the sliver, protecting her palm from her improvised weapon. And she waited.

In her cramped position her back started to complain as waves of needling pain gripped her side. Worried she was going to be sick she lifted the toilet lid, listening to every sound coming from outside, she waited for Finn to come. She knew he would.

The backpain got worse, she had to move adjust herself somehow in the confines of the cubical. She moved her hips, sighing in relief…until she felt the spreading wetness in her groin.

 _Great,_ now _I pee myself!_ It had happened before but that was more due to a sneeze, laugh cough combo brought on by Finn goofing about.

As the wetness spread out from under her, she rolled her eyes to heaven at the indignity of pregnancy, but then she noticed something…red. The fluid coming from her was not pee, there was streaks of blood in the clear liquid.

Her breath hitched as her heartbeat thundered in her ears. She hadn’t been shot. This was the baby; her waters had broken, and something was wrong. It was too early, and she knew there shouldn’t be blood _._

She was just about to call Finn again when there was a distinctive tap at the door, three-two-three knocks, just like he always did on her apartment door. Her phone rang.

‘Ellie it’s me, open the door’, he spoke quietly but clearly

‘I can’t, Finn, something’s wrong, I’m bleeding’ she whispered.

A second later Finn’s massive frame had bulldozed through the door, sending her trash bin barricade scuttling across the glass strewn floor.

Finn, fully uniformed in combat armoured clothing, stowed his assault weapon over his shoulder and was by her side in an instant.

‘Have you been shot?’ He demanded urgently checking over her. She shook her head as he pulled a plated vest over her head. It didn’t fit over her bump, but it protected her chest area somewhat.

‘Ellie the shooter is still at large, he’s hiding somewhere in the building, the guys are doing a floor-by-floor sweep but we have to get you out, now’ his eyes flicked over the blood swirling in the liquid on the floor. ‘Can you walk?’

‘You’re damn straight I can walk, I am _not,_ repeat _not_ having my baby in the bathroom Finn, understood?’

‘Yes ma’am’ he smiled tightly whilst hauling her up to standing. More fluid gushed down her legs, some pee she thought, not so much blood as they had both feared.

‘Ok let’s take this easy Ellie, back stairs down, brings us to?’

‘The lab, and the morgue…’

‘Medical supplies!’ they both answered with a nod.

Checking out the door Finn hand-signalled silence, a left turn and to keep low. Hugging the wall all the way to the stairwell, Finn shielded her with his body. Aiming his weapon, he all cleared the stairway down, but they took it slow, backpain shooting across Ellie’s hips and down her thighs. The door to the lab was sealed, the lockdown would have electronically and remotely secured that area with all its evidence and biohazards. By the time they reached the lower levels Finn was almost carrying her, sweat beading on both their brows. Looking through the small glass pane in the door into the mortuary, he could see a makeshift barricade. Someone was in there.

‘Call your lab dude’ he instructed Ellie, but her fingers were trembling so much she wrong dialled twice. Finn took the phone and called Jimmy.

Seconds later the ME’s head popped up at the window and waving frantically when he recognised them, he started clearing stuff from behind the door.

Finn lugged Ellie into the lab past Jimmy still babbling away and placed her gently on a slab.

‘Oh no, uh-uh’, she shook her head adamantly. ‘Not in a toilet and _not_ in a morgue’ she slipped off the autopsy table ready to walk but a pain gripped her, tearing across her abdomen, her breath whooshed out in a groan.

‘Ellie, are you-?’ Jimmy started

‘Nope, no, I’m not Jimmy, don’t even say it’ she held up her finger until she curled it back into a fist as she fought the pain again.

But apparently, she was.

Labour, in it, had it, in excruciating pain because of it.

As Finn re-secured the door, Jimmy looked again at his watch.

‘Ellie, I make _that_ one, yup, three minutes apart. I need to take a look ok?’. He handed her a surgical gown.

Ellie knew it was inevitable, she’d have to let Jimmy ‘take a look’ even though her face burned with embarrassment. Struggling out of her damp leggings and underwear she reminded herself as a mantra, ‘he’s a doctor, he’s a doctor, he’s a… ouch!’. Another wave of clenching tight pain hit her.

_Ok he’s a doctor, I need one of those!_

In the time it took for Ellie to undress, Jimmy had donned a fresh gown and gloves and pulled a cushioned hospital trolley in from the storeroom and was covering it with a starched white sheet. With Finn and Jimmy’s help she hopped up and adjusted herself ready for inspection.

‘See, not a slab’ Finn winked as Ellie grizzled again. He discreetly turned his back, ostensibly on guard at the tiny window whilst texting his team members furiously, identifying their position before they raided. Jimmy skilfully examined her and gave a low whistle.

‘Ok so good news, the bleeding is minor, not a previa or an abruption that I can see. The other news is you’re fully dilated, head’s already descending, and you are near time to push’ Jimmy said in his upbeat cheerful way.

A panicked hiccup escaped her throat.

‘Nope, it’s too early, I can’t, not today, I’ll just do my breathing exercises and things will stay put, ok?’ she sounded fairly stubborn about her decision.

‘Wonderful thing about Mother Nature Ellie; _she_ decides, not us mere humans. Your baby’s coming _now_ , but that all breathing you’ve been practicing, let’s start that ok?’

The next 30 minutes were terrifying. When the pain got so bad, she started to panic again. Jimmy offered analgesia from his stock of injectables, but he only had opiates, so she resolutely refused. Without even realising how or when, Finn had grabbed her hand, having pulled a wheelie stool over to the head of the trolley. He counted out, puffed, huffed and panted the push time with her, just like in their classes, while Jimmy called out instructions.

And then she was born.

Perfect, howling, _tiny_ but healthy.

Jimmy, gave her a quick check over, wiped her down a little and placed her little girl, skin to skin, on her chest, as Ellie cried relieved tears and he continued to take care of what was happening ‘down below’. Finn stayed topside, not a spectator sport she had firmly told him. His huge finger gently brushed the baby’s cheek in awe, a smile beaming across his face.

‘Congratulations guys! I’d say she’s a good six pounder, mom,’ Jimmy added with a smile from his position between her trembling legs.

Finn pressed a friendly kiss on her damp brow. ‘Wow, you’re one impressive woman, Agent Bishop’ he smiled. And he was right there, and she was so caught up in the moment looking down at the amazing little creature nuzzling into her breast that she tilted up her chin and kissed him somewhere between briefly and lingeringly on the lips. ‘Thanks Finn, for everything you’ve done for me, for _us_ ’ her eyes just caught the surprise on his face before she shifted her gaze back down to her infant daughter.

Clearing his throat, he timidly asked ‘have you finally decided on a name?’ She had chosen not to find out the gender and so had gone through _loads_ of baby names suggestions.

‘Yeah, say hello to Emilia Lucy, after you, _Luke’_ she smiled brightly at him, his shock evident that she would use his given name.

‘Beautiful, you are both so beautiful’ he managed, his eyes welling up for just a second before a noise sent him dashing to the door, weapon raised. A couple of seconds later she saw his shoulders relax. The cavalry had finally come.

Paramedics assessed her and Emilia but in fairness they had had a doctor with them, so it was just routine. They put her infant back on her chest, wrapped and diapered, and covered them both with a foil sheet before transferring them to the much colder outdoors. Her blood pressure had dropped a little and Jimmy worried about some additional bleeding, her delivery being so rapid, so as a precaution they started up a litre of IV fluids and some O2.

Outside the building was mayhem, squad cars, ambulances, fire trucks wailed, a helicopter thundered overhead. Cameras flashed but she didn’t care. Ellie tucked her head deeper under the sheet to have a little reassuring chat with her perfect daughter. Finn was right there, still holding her hand, he and some of his SWAT team-mates formed a human shield around her trying to offer some protective privacy from the media vultures.

Once inside the ambulance with the noise all shut out, Finn gave her an update on what had happened, that the gunman was down. It washed over her. She was tired, and sore but she and Emilia and Finn were safe.

Because Finn had said he would come for her, and he did. She was just beginning to see how much he really meant to her and looking up at his smiling, awe-struck face she thought maybe the warm fuzzy feelings she had for him maybe ran deeper, and maybe were mutual. She gave his hand a squeeze.

‘Can I use your phone; I think I left mine in Jimmy’s lab? I should probably call my mom, huh?’ Despite Finn’s and Gibbs’s best efforts Ellie had procrastinated and now she had left it a _tad_ too late to tell her folks her pregnancy news, so they were _quite_ surprised when she told them that they had just been made grandparents.

Her mom immediately booked a flight to DC.

And then she called Gibbs. He had been frantic when he hadn’t been able to reach her in the lockdown, Rule #3 was quoted. He said his relieved congratulations and said he would come see her as soon as she was up to it, that he had to talk to her about something, apologising that his timing was way off but it was important.

She was puzzled at the very unGibbs-like chat but had more on her mind.

She was a _mom_!

And wherever he was, Nick was a dad. He had missed it. Missed his daughter being born.

His perfect, dark-haired, mirror image of _him_ little girl, currently gnawing on her tiny fist. 

His choice. She tried to harden her heart, but it was not the day for those feelings.

So, later on that night, in the quiet of her hospital room, when everyone had gone home, she looked down at the infant suckling on her breast and she cried some tears for Nick, for what he was missing.

And for what could have been.


	9. Ceasefire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ceasefire (noun); an agreement between two sides to a temporary suspension of fighting in order to allow discussions about peace.

He had been away from the NCIS offices for so long he had forgotten the walls were such a crazy, lurid, orange colour. He felt jittery as he walked through the near empty building, bullet holes, signs of repairs and crime scene tape still evident from the shooting spree only six days ago. Two people were dead, but he thanked god in every language he knew that it was not Ellie lying on a slab down in autopsy. It so easily could have been her.

It was nearly _him_ in Miami, that that didn’t matter so much.

He had arrived back in DC after midnight, Gibbs met him at the airport and took him home to his house. Nick was close to falling asleep still standing, relief, exhaustion, months of nervous tension all catching up in the hours since he had brought down Leena, her organisation and rescued so many young girls.

He would have to deal with the consequences of his actions, but Gibbs had called in every favour and Vance had pulled every departmental regulatory string to get him home that day. He owed them.

‘Torres, shower first, then we eat, then you sleep’

‘Thanks, boss but I’m not...’

‘Not a request, Torres’ he replied, firmly handing Nick a towel and a set of USMC sweats. Nick was too tired to argue so he turned on his heel and headed up to the bathroom. As the hot water poured over him, he barely registered the grime, dirt and _blood_ swirling down the drain. Some of it was his, most of it wasn’t. It hadn’t gone exactly to plan but he was alive, and it was over.

Somewhat refreshed, he trudged back down to the kitchen to see Gibbs plating up a surprisingly nutritious meal of roast chicken, mashed potato and broccoli. Sitting at the dining table he just stared at his plate.

It was the Tater-Tots on the side that finally broke him.

‘Gibbs, I did something today, to protect Ellie, but it isn’t in the report I filed’

‘Ok’ Gibbs calmly poured gravy over his chicken and passed the jug to Nick.

‘ _Ok_? aren’t you going to ask?’

‘If you _need_ to tell me I’ll listen, but I can guess, so it’s up to you.’ He answered him nonchalantly forking more mash into his mouth.

‘I killed Leena’ Nick said the words carefully, took a lung-filling breath and waited for the fallout.

‘I know’ he didn’t even look up from his plate.

‘I did it on purpose, boss’

‘Yup, I know’

Nick tried to shake the memory of only a few hours ago, storming into the back offices of the warehouse, having fought hand to hand through her bodyguards, narrowly missing several bullets whistling just past his head, dodging all the deafening volleys of automatic weapons fire as the whole place was raided by an alphabet soup of government law enforcement agencies all answering his call.

He couldn’t let her get away this time. Searching through all the outer storage spaces he eventually found her in the last dim, filthy room standing right next to the cobwebbed fire escape door. For someone whose whole business empire had just collapsed and who was finally facing arrest, she seemed remarkably calm and composed. His eyes rapidly assessed the room for traps, another armed lackey perhaps; she was too calm.

It was only then he noticed her thumb hovering over the send button of her phone in one hand, her gun trained on him in the other. He had looked on in barely disguised horror as she had smiled her cold smirk at him and had slowly turned the phone screen around to him; a zoomed in, close-up image of Ellie’s face from the news coverage of the NCIS shooting.

‘Let me go Lopez, or _whoever_ you are, or I send this hit out on the blond bi-,’

He had emptied his clip into her.

Instinct, compulsion whatever it was, he _could not_ allow her to threaten Ellie.

So, he shot her dead without even blinking.

He had pulled the phone from her limp hand; no message had been sent but the name ‘Eleanor Bishop’ had been typed in the text box. Nick deleted it. Tampering with evidence yes, caring, no. He would keep Ellie’s name away from this shitshow no matter what.

His report read that Leena had aimed at him, so he shot in self-defence.

‘I could have arrested her, boss, but I put four bullets in her head’.

‘Rule number 4, Torres, say it’ Gibbs pushed his cleared plate away and gave Nick ‘the stare’.

‘The best way to keep a secret is to keep it to yourself, second best, tell one other person-if you must’ he recited diligently.

‘There is no third option Nick, this conversation ends here. Got it?’

‘Got it Boss’.

‘Good work Nick. Now eat up then sleep, you look like crap.’

He had slept, a deep dreamless sleep but woke up with a jolt, his hand already holding his gun, scanning the room totally disorientated.

‘Easy, Torres, stand down!’ barked Gibbs’s familiar voice as his hand put a steaming mug of coffee down in front of the startled Nick.

‘Sorry Boss, I um…’

Gibbs just shrugged his shoulders and gave a knowing smirk.

‘Drink the coffee, eggs on the way. Then we need to get going’

Nick ran his hand over his face and checked his watch, it was after 10am, the longest he had slept in months, but he still felt exhausted. His bruised ribs were killing him. Reaching for the coffee he noticed Gibbs had left a pack of Tylenol on the table.

‘Where to, boss?’ Nick asked as he chugged back three of the chalky tablets with his bitter coffee. He had no time for debriefs, psych evals, documentation, reporting or any other such crap today. And it was Sunday, wasn’t it?

_I need to see her._ It was the only clear thought in his mind.

‘We’re meeting Bishop at the office at noon, I suggest you tidy yourself up a little’

‘Wait! _Bishop_ -what?’ he jumped up again and started ruffling his hair in agitation. ‘You’ve spoken to her? Does she know…?’

‘Yeah, she knows. I told her Friday. _All_ of it. I know you asked me not to tell her unless it went bad, but I had my reasons. You’ll just have to trust me on that’

‘How did she…? Was she angry…upset?’ he asked in a small voice.

‘Oh, she was _plenty_ angry, I think she used _all_ her languages to ball me out. She is _not_ happy with me’ he grimaced wryly. Gibbs was a man of three ex-wives, if he looked _this_ uncomfortable Ellie must have eviscerated him with her tongue. He smiled a little at the thought then swiftly balked knowing he was next in her firing line.

‘I meant, is she angry with _me_ , Gibbs’

‘I know what you meant, Nick, and you’ll have to discuss that with her. I’m under strict instructions to deliver you to her at 12 o’clock and rather than getting another, probably well deserved, chewing out, I’m going to do as Bishop asked.’

Gibbs pointed to a pile of familiar clothes, ‘there’s your stuff you left here, I just laundered them, so they’re freshened up’.

‘Um, thanks boss,’ he stuttered, so taken aback that Gibbs would think to do that. Maybe he was going with the thinking the condemned man should dress nice for the judge to try for a more lenient sentence?

_Oh, this is bad!_

Walking up towards Sloane’s office, two steps behind Gibbs, his heart rate rocketed, the galloping thrum buzzing in his ears. He knew it was nothing to do with the tar-like coffee he had glugged back at the house.

Ellie was in that room and he had to finally face her, after the horrible, shameful things he had said. His stomach knotted and he held his breath as Gibbs tapped a knock on the door.

‘Come in’. It was Ellie, her voice cut through him. He blinked his eyes hard and tried to steady his juddering breath.

‘Bishop just hear him out’ Gibbs moved back and let Nick into the room, closing the door as he left them to it. Ellie hadn’t replied to him. She was standing at the window looking out, her back to him, her stance tense, her arms crossed defensively across her chest.

He took a couple of steps closer to her.

‘Ellie…?’ he croaked out past the constriction in his throat as he desperately tried to control his impulse to run over to her, crush her petite frame against his chest and kiss away the months of hurt and anguish.

‘Gibbs said the operation went well, that it’s over now.’ She spoke coolly, still looking out the window.

‘Yeah, it’s over. Ellie I-,’

‘He told me, Nick, Gibbs told me the reasons. I get it. I don’t need another explanation’. She turned around to face him but her eyeline hovered around his boots.

He scanned his eyes over her body looking for where she had been shot but he couldn’t see anything. She looked the same, and yet different somehow. The low autumn sunlight streaming in the window haloed her frame in a warm radiance, her glowing, golden hair was a little shorter maybe but it was her face that had changed; softer, fuller, startlingly pale but with a flush visible just on her cheekbones. And she looked detached, emotionless, tired. There was no joy in her usually cheerful smiling face.

Nick took another two hesitant steps towards her, ‘Ellie I need to apologise, for all those awful-’

‘Stop!’ he halted him, holding up her hand, shaking her head. ‘No, Nick, you don’t get to say sorry and think that what happened will ever, can _ever_ be washed away’ Her eyes flicked up to his and she hissed out a breath, crossing her arms tighter under her full breasts and directing her eyes back to his boots.

‘Please Ellie’, he pleaded, hoping she would give him a chance to explain. ‘I had to protect you, there was no other way’

‘So Gibbs said’, she sniffed, he noticed a tear running down her cheek and couldn’t help himself but take another step closer, they were within touching distance now, so close he could smell the familiar scent of her vanilla shampoo, an aroma that had haunted his dreams. Tentatively he raised his hand to wipe away the tear and she closed her eyes and almost leaned into it but at the last second, she took a step back and he let his arm drop. She hastily swiped the tear away with the back of her hand.

She took a deep breath and spoke, ‘Nick, I wanted to talk to you because while you were away something happened.’ She reeled it off in a rehearsed way that set his heart faltering off course again.

_Here it is, the new guy._ He quickly glanced at her left hand but didn’t see any diamond rings glittering on her finger. Yet.

He bit the bullet.

‘You’re seeing someone’ he stated dejectedly

‘No! well, yeah, kinda, but that’s not the…’ she covered her face with her hands, shaking her head in dismay. She steadied herself by puffing out her cheeks, her eyes wide, in that adorable way she had when she was trying to refocus.

‘Nick, while you were undercover... I, well we...’ she shuddered to a stop again. Nick patiently waited for her to continue, if she needed time to get whatever out he would give her what she needed. She suddenly snatched out her phone and dialled.

‘Gibbs, can you bring my mom up?’

_Oh god, her mom is here! She is going to roast me alive!_

Nick stood to attention; hands clasped in front of him awaiting his punishment.

There was a light tap at the door and Ellie brushed by him to get it. He glanced up and saw a blonde older woman smiling nervously at him over Ellie’s shoulder as they whispered words together. Ellie closed the door softly and turned around.

‘Nick, meet Emilia Lucy Bishop, our daughter’.

Nick’s brain short circuited.

He stared at Ellie; her emotions flashed randomly over her face as she bit down on her bottom lip. His eyes dropped to the tiny, pink blanket-wrapped bundle in her arms.

Time stood still.

Snapping his gaping mouth shut, he swallowed though his throat was bone dry.

‘ _Our_ daughter…?’ his voice faltered as the magnitude of what he was saying, of what he was staring at hit him. His legs trembled and threatened to give way.

She nodded her head nervously, awaiting his reaction. Nick’s breath hitched as Ellie stepped closer. ‘Do you want to hold her?’ she offered, coming closer still. Nick nodded his head mutely, unable to speak as Ellie calmly motioned him over to Jack’s sofa and sat down, adjusting the infant in her arms. Nick sat down carefully beside her and watched in stunned amazement as Ellie unwrapped the infant, crooning little words to her and laid her carefully in his quivering arms.

‘This is your daddy, Emilia’ she murmured in her ‘mom’ voice.

_Daddy! I’m a dad!_

‘She’s so small’ he blurted, his eyes filling with tears. He looked in awe at her tiny scrunched up face as the newborn, _his_ daughter, who with a little grumble, stretched out her legs in her pretty pink floral onesie, before snuggling up again in the crook of his arm and settling back to sleep. His fingers trembled as he lightly caressed her teeny balled up fist. With a look of disgust, he realised his own fists were marred with cuts and abrasions across the knuckles. He snapped his hand away from her, afraid he might somehow sully her perfection.

‘It’s ok Nick, you can touch her, she’s tougher than she looks, aren’t you baby girl?’ she brushed her fingertip over her downy cheek. ‘She _is_ small but she’s strong, she came four weeks early, last Monday in the middle of all the shooting, right here in NCIS’. Ellie was scooched up beside his hip, leaning in as she peered affectionately at their baby. Nick couldn’t breathe as he felt the weight of her body against him, her closeness after so long almost overpowering him.

‘Are _you_ ok?’ Nick pulled his eyes from Emilia and ran them over Ellie again, ‘I saw the news, I saw you…’

‘Yeah, I bled quite a bit, she came so quickly, I was lucky Finn got me to Jimmy in time…’ her voice trailed off.

_Finn, that must be the guy_.

‘I should have been here Ellie, for you, for Emilia’ her pretty name rolled over his tongue even as he chastised himself, guilt churning in his stomach, ‘I should never have left you alone, dealing with all this!’ he bit out harshly. The baby wriggled again and made a tiny noise that sounded like discontent. He soothed her with little apologies in his native tongue and rocked her gently back into sleep.

‘I wasn’t alone Nick, I had friends’ she whispered quietly, watching him while his lips murmured words of adoration. ‘Look Nick I know _this_ is a shock’ she gestured to Emilia, ‘and you’ve obviously been though a lot but…’ she glanced up at his cut brow and slightly blackening eye socket.

‘But?’ he looked up at the face of the woman he had fought for and killed for, to keep her safe and get back to, but he knew before she said it what was coming next.

‘Time has moved on, _I’ve_ moved on. You are Emilia’s dad, I’ll never stop you from seeing her but we, _us_ …’ she flicked her pointed finger between them, ‘I just can’t, ok? I just _can’t._ You have to accept that’ she took a shuddering breath.

She stood up abruptly, ‘stay, spend some time with her. I’m going to talk to my mom. We’re, um, heading to Oklahoma tonight, just for a few days’ she reassured him as his head shot up with anxiety. ‘I, um, didn’t _exactly_ tell my family I was pregnant, so I’m expecting a grilling back home’ she added dryly.

‘Why didn’t you tell them?’ he was confused and a little shocked, Ellie talked to her family like all the time. He regretted asking it almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

‘Why do you _think_ Nick!’ she spat out in fury. ‘I got pregnant by a guy they had never even met, who apparently only slept with me for kicks, then dumped me in the most disgusting, _nasty_ , rip your heart out way imaginable, and then _puff_ , disappeared! But yeah, ‘hi mom, funny story, I’m pregnant’. It’s a great opener huh?!’ she finished sarcastically. She pulled at the cuffs of her flowy blouse in agitation, her breathing erratic as her cheeks reddened some more, but she still looked deathly pale.

He winced, flinching back at her words, her bitter tone. He had humiliated her so badly she couldn’t even turn to her family. His words, his actions had done that. Daggers of self-loathing gnawed at his guts.

‘Ellie I’m _so_ sorry’ he choked, trying to put all his remorse into that inane phrase, ‘I know my words are totally worthless but please, just give me time, let me _show_ you I’m sorry’, he implored reaching over to hold her hand, her fingers fidgeting at the outer seam of her soft yoga pants. A jolt of electricity passed between them as their skin connected, just like it had months ago, every time they touched. Ellie had felt it too. With a sharp intake of breath, she whisked her hand away from his and held it up finishing the conversation.

‘I don’t want to hear it Nick. I can accept you were trying to protect me, like Gibbs said, _repeatedly_ , but my priority from now on is Emilia. She should be yours too.’

Nick nodded mutely even as his chin quivered in the effort of controlling his emotions.

The message was received loud and clear. Nick knew he had to agree to whatever Ellie wanted. He was the one who had applied the scorched earth tactics to their relationship. He had to accept the consequences of that.

His heart ripped in two. He loved both of them, but he knew he would lose them both if he pushed Ellie. So, he swallowed down the hurt and the longing, even as Ellie’s closeness to him right now burned his soul with the need to hold her. He looked down, mesmerised by the perfection of his infant little girl.

_She has Ellie’s nose_.

His world shifted. Ellie was right, Emilia was the most important person in all this. He would toe the line, abide by her wishes, even as his heart broke, if that was the cost of keeping them both in his life, he would pay it.

_You know the rules, Torres, suck it up._


	10. Traitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Traitor (noun); a person who betrays, or is no longer loyal to someone or something, such as a friend, a cause or a principle.

Since the phone call to her mom just after Emilia was born, Ellie had been waiting for the deluge of questions, but they hadn’t come.

On arrival at the hospital in the early morning hours after the birth, her mom just hugged her tight and then gushed over her granddaughter. When Finn came in later for a visit Barbara Bishop was warm in her conversation and in her assessment of him when he left again after a short but friendly visit. Ellie hadn’t realised just how comfortable they had become around each other in private, all the unconscious touches and physical contact between them in the last few weeks until her embarrassed reaction when Finn hesitantly squeezed her hand saying goodbye.

But she knew her mom’s sharp eyes had noticed their bashful awkwardness.

Ellie had told her mom about her new friend and how they met over her broken down truck months ago. But things were different now.

Ellie waited until her baby had latched on for a feed before broaching the subject of Finn, good offense being the best defence and all that.

‘Mom, um, Finn and I are …He’s a really nice guy and well, I like him a lot’

‘But he’s not her dad, is he?’ she said with a pointed nod to her granddaughter.

‘How did you...?’ in awe at her mom’s legendary powers of perception.

‘Eleanor honey, one, I can count, and two, that beautiful girl is the carbon copy of your partner Nick’

Ellie’s head popped up, ‘what, are you psychic now? You never even _met_ him!’ Ellie stared at her mom in scepticism.

‘What! I _have_ Facebook, you know’ she declared in her witheringly ‘duh’ voice. ‘It’s the only way I can keep track of what’s really going on with you kids!’ she added dryly with a raised eyebrow. ‘I saw those photos of the two of you together smiling in the bar, on the pier with your colleagues, before you deleted them’

‘I didn’t delete them mom, _he_ did, when he broke up with me’ Ellie’s disconsolate voice couldn’t hide the old, pervasive hurt of that moment.

Her mom exhaled a slow deep breath. ‘Oh, so it was like _that_. Eleanor, I knew _something_ had happened, you were so happy to be back _friends_ with him again and then bam, so depressed and miserable over on the other side of the planet, his name never mentioned again. I was so worried about you, you seemed so …sad’ Ellie felt her chest constrict as that anguish resurfaced.

‘Does he know, about the baby?’ Her mom’s voice was hard.

Splitting up was one thing but abandoning responsibilities was unforgivable in her mom’s eyes.

‘No, mom, he doesn’t. _I_ didn’t even know I was pregnant until nearly four months in. He broke up with me just after we um…’ a flush rose up her neck talking to her mom about her sex life. ‘He transferred out, undercover ops, I have no idea where he is, he’s never contacted me again’. Ellie concentrated really hard on Emilia’s rhythmic suckling, trying her best to keep her tears at bay.

‘And it threw you into a tailspin because you were in love with him; you still are’ she added astutely.

Ellie just nodded imperceptibly, ashamed of her admission, then shook her head vehemently in denial. ‘He said he loved me too mom, and I believed him, I felt it in my soul and then then he took it back… said _horrible_ …’ her chest heaved in stifled sobs. Their last conversation still haunted her, taunted her, replaying like an echo.

Call it hormones, baby blues, the trauma of childbirth or being caught in a mass shooting, Ellie’s floodgates opened. Her mom calmly stood up and gently took the baby from her shuddering chest and placed her back in the bassinette. Then she sat on the bed and hugged Ellie, rubbing her back in the rhythmic soothing way that mothers seemed to have an innate knack for, until the crying sobs eventually passed.

‘So, Finn, good looking guy, huh?’ her mom said a little too archly. ‘You sure do know how to pick ‘em.’ She laughed a little at Ellie’s embarrassed, tear-stained face. She handed her daughter a tissue. ‘He’s in love with you, you know that right?’

Ellie shook her head dismissively, ‘no mom, it’s not like that, really we’re friends but…’

‘But things have changed recently, and since the baby, right?’

Ellie nodded, her blush heating her face, ‘how did you know that?’

‘Ellie, hormones do all kinds of things to pregnant women’s brains’ she held up her hand, ‘I’m not saying he’s not a great guy, he seems lovely and he clearly cares about you a lot and I can see you’re fond of him. I’m just saying don’t base things on how you feel right now. If you can honestly say you’ve moved on from Nick, fine, give it a try with Finn but right _now_ isn’t the best time to change your relationship status. Ok?’

‘Everyone already thinks he’s her dad’ she squirmed a little in the bed ‘sometimes even _I_ forget. He went to all my classes with me, brought me to appointments, drove around at all hours picking up my weird food. He was there holding my hand when she was born. Finn has been there for me, for us. _Nick_ wasn’t here, mom. I have to think what’s best for Emilia. A great guy who already adores her and who I really like, or the ghost of the guy who broke my heart and was never seen again?’

‘Thing is sweetheart, you have to choose for _you_ , not just for Emilia. It’s _your_ life too, _your_ happiness. You are the most loving person I know Eleanor; you wouldn’t survive a life of regret. Please, just wait. Give yourself time. We’ll say nothing for now about her father, I’ll take care of your dad and _brothers_ ’ she added wryly, both of them knowing her boys were like bloodhounds when it came to their baby sister’s love interests.

She knew her mom was right. Everything just seemed so intense at the moment. She thought back to how she had kissed Finn in the _morgue._

_God, even thinking that sounded weird._

It was spur of the moment, but it was nice, sweet, natural even. Ellie knew she had a real chance of happiness with Finn; he was warm, fun, caring, solid. Ellie trusted him. There was no danger or darkness in him just decency and loyalty.

Maybe in a couple of weeks she would see where they stood. She could maybe let her guard down a little and let Finn in. He _was_ gorgeous, she blushed admitting his SWAT gear was a bit of a turn on. _His arms, it’s definitely his arms…_ but her fantasies shifted back to Nick. They always did.

She knew nothing would ever compare to how she felt being with Nick. His touch had left a burning, indelible mark on her soul, regardless of how hard she tried to scrub the memory away.

The doctors finally let Ellie home on Thursday with strict instructions about taking it easy. She had had a moderate postpartum haemorrhage and even after a unit of blood she was still ghostly pale and breathless on exertion. But she wanted to go home and as she assured them her mom would be there, they reluctantly allowed it. Finn arrived to take them all home, his sturdy SUV already equipped with the car seat base that he expertly clipped the carrier with its precious cargo into. Ellie sat in the back with her daughter while her mom and Finn chatted away easily on the drive home.

On arrival to her building Ellie carefully lifted out her infant and walked to her apartment with her mom. Opening the door, she was bombarded by the aroma of flowers and noticed pink balloons and pretty pastel bunting spelling out ‘Welcome home Emilia’ festooned the living room.

‘Finn and your work-friends Kasie and Jack decorated, Tim and his wife sent flowers and these gorgeous cakes’ her mom nodded towards the antique looking cake stand, overflowing with dainty blush pink iced buns all shimmering with glitter.

‘You like?’ Finn smiled shyly, having arrived up with all the baby paraphernalia and bags they had accumulated over the few days in hospital.

‘It’s lovely Finn, thank you’ she gave him a quick peck on the cheek, as she had many times before but this time, she noticed his heightened colour and bashful glance towards her mom.

Maybe her ever perceptive mom was right after all.

Clearing his throat, he announced ‘well I’ll leave you three ladies to get settled. Mrs. Bishop, it was a pleasure meeting you again. Ellie, Miss Emilia I’ll see you both in a couple of days. I’m on night duty until Sunday morning but I can still drop you all off at the airport for your flight Sunday evening. Just holler if you need anything else’.

He really was so good to her. _Good_ for _me too._

Ellie settled into the usual routine of first day home with a newborn, that being _Emilia’s_ timetable. Breast feeding was tough going, Ellie was sore and tired, but her mom helped doing all the other stuff, nappy changes and laundry, meals and clean up. It was nice to talk face to face about the family and home as they both gushed over the miracle of the tiny baby whose little limbs barely filled even the smallest sized baby-gro outfits.

Ellie was just finishing up feeding her at lunchtime the next day when there was a polite knock on the door. Her mom spied through the peek and checking Ellie had buttoned up her top she opened the door.

‘Agent Gibbs!’ she pulled him into one of her friendly embraces, ‘so good to see you again’

‘Mrs Bishop, sorry for the unannounced visit, I, um, should have called...’ the usually unflappable Gibbs always seemed a little tongue-tied around her mother.

‘Barbara, please, and come in, take a seat with Eleanor while I make some coffee’

‘Hey, boss, sorry for the short notice but I guess I’ll have to take that maternity leave with immediate effect, someone was in a rush to make her appearance!’ Ellie smiled up at her boss. He awkwardly handed her a pink tissue wrapped gift, whilst he peered down smiling at the little girl in her arms.

‘It’s beautiful’ Ellie whispered looking at the wooden sign carved with ‘Emilia Lucy’ in a pretty flowing script.

‘Sorry I’m late coming to see you both, I was hoping, waiting for something but it hasn’t played out yet. I need to talk to you about something’ he was looking down at his hands, fingers steepled firmly together. His tone perplexed her.

‘Mom, Gibbs needs to discuss a case, do you want to bring Emilia out in her stroller for her first trip outside?’ she tried to make it sound light-hearted but her gut felt something was off with Gibbs that he would need privacy to talk about.

After a few minutes of fussing with blankets, baby-coats and equipment, they had the place to themselves, Ellie handed Gibbs his coffee and waited for Gibbs to spill whatever it was.

‘You remember the weekend of the McBride incident?’ his opening caused her heart to start pounding in her ears and her palms to moisten. _Where the hell did this come from?_

‘Yeah, what’s this about boss?’ she replied anxiously, taking a seat at the other end of the couch.

‘I know, about you and Torres’ he stated bluntly.

She sucked in a breath as Gibbs uttered his name.

‘Is this about some _very_ belated Rule 12 reprimand, because there is no need-,’

He held up his hand, ‘Torres came to me, told me the day after the shooting. He was sick with worry about you-,’

‘About _me_?’ she heckled in disbelief

‘Just…hear me out, ok?’ he gave her the look that had her clamping her lips shut tight even as her nostrils flared with her rapid breathing.

‘He had bumped into someone, a woman, from a past undercover case. A child sex trafficking ring. Torres was terrified she would target you because she had seen you both together’ Ellie started putting the pieces together, her breath hitching at what was coming next. ‘He needed to go back undercover to put to bed some demons from his failure to get her the last time, and now her threat to you. Vance and I okayed the operation’.

‘So, you’re saying he went back under cover to _protect_ me’ her voice raised in incredulity

‘What I’m saying is he was adamant _you_ would track him down to help him somehow and he couldn’t take the risk that she would find you, or that his chance to nab her would be blown. So…’

‘So?’

‘So, he told me about how you felt about each other and that he would have to hurt you, _un-say_ what he had said so that you wouldn’t _want_ to help him’ he added delicately.

‘And? Because there’s more isn’t there?’

‘And then I had you reassigned to the Roosevelt’ he affirmed blandly. ‘He needed you far away from danger so I pulled some strings’.

‘Nick, where is he now?’ she wanted to tear his throat out, screw that - rip his damn head off, Gibbs and Torres both!

‘He’s gone dark, the next 24 hours are critical’.

‘You mean he’s _still_ working the same case?’ she jumped up in agitation, ‘all this time?!’

‘Yes, he’s spent months crawling up the ranks, getting battered and bruised to get close to her, Leena, to take her down, save a bunch of kids and young girls and _you_ Bishop!’

‘And you kept this from me’ her voice escalated through the octaves, ‘for _months_! Does he know?’

‘Know?’

‘About the _baby_ ’ she shrieked and clapped her hand over her mouth. ‘Does he know about Emilia?’ she whispered, her brain buzzing with layers of rapid explosions of memories, thoughts, questions and emotions.

 _This can’t be happening_!

‘No, Bishop I didn’t tell him. He kept in constant contact, always asking about you but I couldn’t tell him. He had a _job_ to do, he had to keep his mind 100% on the game, any change in his act would be noticed so telling him would have probably got you and him _and_ those kids killed. So, no, I _didn’t_ tell him you were sick, or how bad you were taking it and I _didn’t_ tell him about you being pregnant’.

‘You should have told _me_! You _both_ should have’ she barked stabbing a finger at him.

‘Torres-, _we_ both thought keeping you completely out of the loop was the safest course of action, Bishop’ he added. Like it was the most rational thing in the world.

_Where the hell did they get off!_

‘I’m _not_ some damn damsel in distress that needs protecting or saving or whatever macho version of thinking led up to this stupid plan. I’m an NCIS agent, _just_ like him! I can look after myself. Do you think I’m _deficient_ somehow, not professionally skilled enough in the subtleness of intelligence gathering?’ Her breath came in shudders as the weight of Gibbs’s words hit her. ‘I know my job, I would have backed off from his case, _if I had been asked to!_ ’ she snarled

She felt dizzy and had to hold on to the kitchen counter for support but then whipped her hand away remembering what she had done with Nick on that exact spot. Blinking back her tears of frustration she started looking for vocabulary in the vast repertoire of languages to express herself and her rage. Waves of expletive foul words fell out of her polyglot mouth. So many months, so much pain and resentment and hurt seethed through her veins.

To _protect_ her; _bullshit_! she could not and would not accept it.

‘You _lied_ to me Gibbs. You told me you always had my six, I didn’t realise that’s where you aimed the knife!’ she hissed.

‘Bishop, we were trying to protect you’. He attempted to explain again only adding more fuel to her fire.

‘I trusted you Gibbs, I trusted Nick, _with my life.’_ She blazed. ‘Rule 1, Gibbs, ‘Never screw over your partner’; was that just for everyone else? Sure looks that way from where I’m standing’ she slammed her hand down on the counter, fury boiling her blood.

Gibbs face showed his shock, completely taken aback by her wrath and feeling the heat of being skewered by his own rulebook.

‘Where is Torres now, Gibbs?’ Ellie carefully managed her ominous tone.

‘Miami, I’m waiting for his call, multi-agency backup will go in immediately, full assault raid and pull him out’.

‘He’s on his _own_?’ she bellowed incredulously.

‘Yeah, he’s on his own. I spoke to him yesterday, he said it would blow within 48 hours. I’m still waiting’ he shook his head and straightened up on his seat. ‘He specifically told me not to tell you any of this unless it went bad and he didn’t make it out. Then you told me you were pregnant, I guessed with Nick’s baby, _despite_ hints to the contrary’ he said in a pointed way and she squirmed a little under his knowing gaze. Her _omission_ regarding Finn obviously didn’t fool everyone.

‘I hadn’t factored on little Emilia coming early, I thought he would get back in time for that. It didn’t sit right with me that you didn’t know the truth, now’

Ellie ran her hands through her hair and brusquely tucked it behind her ears.

‘So _now_ you have a conscience?’ she drove home to him the glaring double standard. ‘Have you any idea what I have gone through Gibbs. Do you know the things he _said_ to me, how he broke up with me? In this great plan to _protect_ me, you two did more damage, inflicted more pain on me than this Leena person ever could’.

‘I’m sorry Bishop, really, if we, if _I_ , called it wrong, but it was always with the best of intentions.’

‘What’s that they say about the paving on the road to Hell?’ she quipped sardonically. ‘Thank you for the lovely gift for Emilia but I think you should go, Gibbs’ she looked at him in disappointment. ‘I would appreciate if you let me know when…if ...’ she couldn’t even say the words.

_If Nick gets made? If he gets caught and tortured and hacked to pieces or riddled with bullets!_

After so many months of longing for him and loathing herself for feeling like that, despising how he had treated her, hating him for destroying her trust in him, in herself. Now those shards of splintered glass were back slicing through her innards with stress, anxiety, worry for Nick.

As Gibbs left quietly after promising to call ‘either way’ her mom came back from her walk with the baby still sleeping soundly.

‘ _What_? What’s happened Eleanor?’ was as far as her mom’s panicked questioning got before Ellie folded in on herself, knees clutched to her chin as she wedged herself in the corner of the sofa and fell apart.

Ellie didn’t sleep that night. She kept a silent vigil pacing the floor with Emilia in her arms despite her mom’s best efforts to coax her to rest. Ellie’s appetite had dwindled to nothing **.** She had stuttered out an abridged version of what Gibbs had told her and, though her mom was sympathetic, she did not seem surprised somehow. Her explanation: Gibbs’s version made more sense to her than Ellie’s edition. She knew her daughter to be cautious and reserved. That she gave herself so completely to Nick and that she was so affected by their split still, highlighted their breakup row as completely out of character. It just made more sense that there was another rationale.

Her mom argued this point with her while simultaneously trying to calm her frayed nerves but could take no more.

She just had to know he was alive so that she could tell him about the baby and then it was done.

Ellie was a good enough person to forgive him but not stupid enough to trust him again. Some people are not good for you no matter how much you love them.

And she did love him.

She had learned to live half alive since he left but she deserved more.

She deserved happiness.

Just before noon the next day Gibbs called in his terse report. Leena had been neutralised, multiple arrests, a container of trafficked girls on their way to the hospital with shock, dehydration and in need of counselling and reunification with their families.

Nick had made it out with cuts and bruises; he would be home later that night. She asked that Gibbs hold off telling him anything about Emilia and arranged to meet him in NCIS the next day.

Her rules: she needed to have control of _some_ part of this drama.

Ellie had it all planned in her head. She would coolly and calmly tell Nick that they now had a daughter and that parental arrangements would be made. Her analytical mind listed out the various verbal computations required to achieve this clearly and concisely. By time her mom pulled the pen out of her hand, her body slumped against the cushion, falling asleep still writing up her prompt cards, she knew exactly what she would say.

Feeling confident and composed she fell into bed, luckily only being awoken once for feeding.

Standing in Jack’s office she readjusted her clothes and her hair for at least the tenth time. When the tap came to the door she could barely breathe and resolutely turned her back to the door, concentrating on the leaves blowing in swirls around the internal courtyard below.

Then he called her name. Her heart jolted and rolled in her chest. It took every ounce of willpower not to turn around to him, to fall into his arms but she steeled herself. She had a plan to follow, then she would walk away head held high.

‘Gibbs said the operation went well, that it’s over now.’ She spoke coolly, still looking out the window.

‘Yeah, it’s over. Ellie I-,’ his husky voice flooded her senses, she dug her fingernails into her palm.

‘He told me, Nick, Gibbs told me the reasons. I get it. I don’t need another explanation’. She turned around to face him but couldn’t bring herself to look into those magnetic dark eyes of his.

Nick took another two hesitant steps towards her, ‘Ellie I need to apologise, for all those awful-’

‘Stop!’ he halted him, holding up her hand, shaking her head. The ache of longing to be with him echoed through the very marrow of her bones. But she couldn't allow that touch to burn through her senses again. She had to shield herself from that pain.

_Stay back Torres!_

‘No, Nick, you don’t get to say sorry and think that what happened will ever, can _ever_ be washed away’ Her eyes flicked up to his familiar face and her resolve fractured. He was battered and bruised; a heavy bristle bearded his shadowed face. He looked haunted, exhausted and desperate for her to let him beg for forgiveness.

But it was too late for that now. The damage was done.

‘Please Ellie’, he pleaded in that intoxicating voice that she had missed so much. Her knees started to tremble, ‘I had to protect you, there was no other way’

‘So Gibbs said’, she tried to keep her voice firm but her treacherous tears betrayed her. He took another step closer, they were within touching distance now, so close she could just pick up his distinctive spicy scent, an aroma that had plagued her dreams and heated her core. She could feel the warmth radiating from his body, melting the ice inside her heart as he tentatively he raised his hand to wipe away the tear. Unbidden her body responded, she closed her eyes, her body all but dragged her magnetically towards him.

She could hear his breath hitch and her own chest burned for lack of air as they closed the space between, but at the last second, she came to her senses. This was not the plan. This would bring her back to the pain, the unhealthy _need_ for Nick. She took a step back and saw he face fall in defeated hopelessness. She hastily swiped the tear away with the back of her hand.

She took a steadying breath and succinctly returned to her plan.

‘Nick, I wanted to talk to you because while you were away something happened.’

‘You’re seeing someone’ he stated dolefully.

‘No! well, yeah, kinda, but that’s not the…’ flummoxed she attempted to refocus the conversation back to the facts.

‘Nick, while you were undercover... I, well _we_...’ she tried again to say the words. Looking at his subdued face she just knew words wouldn’t be enough.

She switched to plan B, snatched out her phone and dialled.

‘Gibbs, can you bring my mom up?’.

Ellie brushed by Nick to get to her mom who handed her the baby and give her a whispered, ‘you can do this Eleanor, I love you’ encouragement. She exhaled sharply really not sure of how the next few minutes would play out.

‘Nick, meet Emilia Lucy Bishop, our daughter’.

For a couple of seconds, she wasn’t sure he had even heard her, he seemed completely caught like a bunny in the headlights. Would he deny her, was she ready for _that_ fight? Which Nick would speak today, the old one she knew, the nasty one she’d met or the broken man before her?

‘ _Our_ daughter…?’ his voice faltered; disbelief written all over his face. She saw him swallow repeatedly and took in his fists clenching and unclenching rhythmically, his familiar tell in stressful situations.

She nodded her head nervously, awaiting his reaction. She had said it now. She was back in control. Nick nodded his head mutely when she suggested he hold Emilia and sitting down on the sofa beside him she could she he was struggling to hold it together, his eyes transfixed on their little girl.

‘This is your daddy, Emilia’ she introduced them formally.

_Better late than never._

‘She’s so small’ he blurted, his eyes filling with tears. His fingers trembled as he lightly caressed her teeny balled up fist but he pulled away, afraid maybe he’d hurt her somehow.

‘It’s ok Nick, you can touch her, she’s tougher than she looks, aren’t you baby girl?’ she stroked her fingertip over her downy cheek. Ellie brushed over the birth he had missed.

‘Are _you_ ok?’ Nick asked concern evident in his voice, sending her pulse racing again, ‘I saw the news, I saw you…’

‘Yeah, I bled quite a bit, she came so quickly, I was lucky Finn got me to Jimmy in time…’ she immediately regretted mentioning his name and waited for the follow-up questions but none came.

‘I should have been here Ellie, for you, for Emilia’ he pronounced her name with a soft Spanish cadence, lending a slightly different tone to the way she said it herself. But it sounded right, like it was a perfect mix of their cultures, their native tongues, Emilia was a perfect combination of them both.

‘I should never have left you alone, dealing with all this!’ The baby wriggled again and made a tiny noise that sounded like discontent. He soothed her with little apologies in his native tongue and rocked her gently back into sleep and Ellie knew right then she had made the right decision involving Nick in his daughter’s life. He would be a good dad. She knew that much if nothing else.

So she regurgitated her next prompt card.

‘Time has moved on, _I’ve_ moved on. You are Emilia’s dad, I’ll never stop you from seeing her but we, _us_ …’ she flicked her pointed finger between them, ‘I just can’t, ok? I just _can’t._ You have to accept that’ she took a shuddering breath.

Then he surprised her with his stupid facile question. His complete lack of awareness of the humiliation he had caused stunned her.

‘Why didn’t you tell them?’

‘Why do you _think_ Nick!’ she spat out in fury. ‘I got pregnant by a guy they had never even met, who apparently only slept with me for kicks, then dumped me in the most disgusting, _nasty_ , rip your heart out way imaginable, and then _puff_ , disappeared’ .

Her words whipped across his face, lashing him with her indignation. Her stinging rebuke hurt him; his eyes scarred by her anguish. Ellie carried her scars too, she told herself the wounds were closed, healed but they would never fade.

Since he had used his words as weapons, she had been vulnerable. She still felt pain, so much raw pain, but she couldn't be broken anymore. He had done his worst, but she was still here, and she would _not_ let him hurt her again.

He tried apologising again but it was pointless, she was impenetrable… until he touched her hand. The static shock burned through to her soul. A sob escaped her, and she pulled her hand away from his.

‘I don’t want to hear it Nick. I can accept you were trying to protect me, like Gibbs said, _repeatedly_ , but my priority from now on is Emilia. She should be yours too.’

She waited for his nod then turned away and left the room.

It is a cruelty of life that a heart can keep on beating even after it has been broken in two.


	11. Retreat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Retreat (verb); to move back, by soldiers or an army, either because they have been defeated or in order to avoid fighting or danger.

Six weeks had passed, and Nick was slowly becoming accustomed to life as a desk agent, and as a dad. It wasn’t how he wanted it, or how he had imagined being a father, but it was all he could get so he muddled through. Jack pencilled him in for twice-weekly sessions after the initial mammoth debrief. He had _issues_ , he knew that. This time counselling was different though, he wanted to work through them, to be a better man, for his daughter and for Ellie.

Everyday Ellie sent him photos and videos of Emilia, bath-times, bedtimes, pretty new outfits; he would need a bigger memory card in his phone soon enough because there was no way he would ever be able to filter or delete any image of his precious little girl. His favourite was still the one Mrs Bishop had insisted on taking that first time he held Emilia, he looked like crap, but it was a proper ‘family’ photo, Nick and Ellie both smiling and cuddling their daughter. He had it printed out, framed and displayed it proudly front and centre on his desk, putting to bed any lingering doubt anyone had about _who_ was Emilia’s dad.

Nick went to Ellie’s apartment every day after work to spend time with his daughter. Sometimes Ellie stayed with them while he chatted to Emilia in his native tongue, sometimes she used the time out to take a long bath and other times she left him there alone while she popped out for a walk or for groceries. They were meticulously polite to each other, never discussing the past or feelings or anything that might upset the delicate equilibrium of their current functional relationship.

But it was …difficult.

Every time he was in her apartment, he saw more and more evidence of the ‘other guy’ encroaching on her space. _His_ hoodie hung on the rack, a huge SWAT printed mug on the draining board and worse, when he reached into the fridge to take out a bottle of expressed milk for Emilia one time there was a six-pack of a beer brand he knew wasn’t Ellie’s …or his. No, _Finn_ had got his boots under her table, he felt sick thinking he had them under her bed too.

They worked out a schedule at the weekends where Nick could take Emilia out a few hours so he could bring her home or to visit his sister and Amanda and do all the family stuff that he really wanted to do with Ellie. He swallowed his disappointment that it just wasn’t to be. He had made decisions that had consequences. He would have to live with that.

The Monday came around that Ellie was due back in work, and he was determined to be as helpful as possible without pissing her off. He had watered her potted desk fern daily while she was on maternity leave. He filled her top drawer with her usual treats like he used to and hoped her appetite would win out over annoyance that he had taken a liberty. There was to be absolutely no flirty or cheesy banter. Having greeted her with everyone else on her return, he sat diligently at his desk, doing his paperwork, doggedly refusing to look at her every two minutes, despite how hard that was. It was unnatural but he knew the rules.

Ellie seemed to settle back into things fine, even though she did check her phone more, the creche downstairs providing CCTV check-in for parents. She had given him full access to the app too so he had to admit he probably looked in just as much as she did. Ellie didn’t go to lunch with the team anymore, that was a disappointing change. Her weird food choices had led to many international culinary discoveries, he missed the look of bliss on her face when she tried something new. Instead, she disappeared as soon as lunchtime hit, springing from her desk and rushing away. At first he thought it was because she didn’t want to have to sit with him and try to make conversation in front of McGee, Liu or worse Kasie who always seemed to drop the F-bomb… _Finn_.

On the fourth day, he figured out.

Her agitated sprint caught his eye and as soon as she saw the queue for the lift she headed straight for the staircase. Intrigued and just a little worried something was up, he followed discreetly and once on the first floor she dashed towards the nursery. Panicking now that something was wrong with Emilia he followed. At the front desk a sturdy, older lady stopped him in his tracks.

‘Sir, only permitted persons are allowed in. I need your ID and child’s name’ she rolled off, eyeing him up suspiciously.

‘My daughter is Emilia Bishop, ma’am is she ok? I just saw her mom run in’.

Loretta, the Childcare Manager as her badge read, carefully, and unhurriedly, checked his ID against her log, frustrating Nick to the point of near detonation.

‘Your daughter’s fine Agent Torres, go on in, second door down’ she finally droned out, handing back his credentials.

Nick burst into the room like he was on a raid to be met with a very surprised, very top-half _naked_ Ellie.

 _‘Nick_! What the hell!’ she squealed in alarm, covering herself with her arms.

‘ _Whoa_! Oh god, I’m- s-sorry!’ he stammered, spun around turning his back, as a fire roared over his face, cursing himself for not knocking and for now having _that_ image of Ellie glued in his head.

‘What are you _doing_ here?’ He could hear her desperately unzipping her tote bag and pulling stuff out.

‘I saw you run towards the creche; I thought something was wrong…’

She huffed out a breath, ‘something _was_ wrong, Nick, I’m kinda on a clock with feeding Emilia, seems my body likes to press the go button before I get to her, my top got wet’.

‘Huh? He was totally confused now.

‘ _Leaking_ , Nick’ she explained in a tight uncomfortable voice, adding ‘it happens when you breastfeed’ in her matter of fact voice.

_Ooh!_

‘Can I help…with anything, with the baby I mean, of course’ he stuttered out flustered.

_God, he was an idiot!_

‘Um, maybe hold her for a minute and start waking her up, while I change? I need to feed her now or I’ll have to express and then I’ll miss out on the cuddle. It’s a long day if I don’t get that’ she said a little forlornly.

‘Sure, no problem’ he managed, swallowing down his need to give her a hug. He felt stupid again, Ellie must be missing Emilia a hundred times worse than he did at work every day. He hadn’t considered the _physical_ practicalities she had to deal with on top of that.

After that he redoubled his efforts, on the down-low, to help ease the burden on Ellie. She still did all her analysis and casework, he just volunteered to do the crappy time-consuming stuff he had previously avoided like the plague, the things Ellie had always just taken on. So, he restocked stationery, filed stuff properly, wrote up the daily report before she got in and volunteered for all the meetings, interrogations and follow-ups that would take her away from the office for the middle part of the day.

He even got a couple of grateful, full-on smiles from her. Just for that alone, it was so worth it.

Nick was at home, sprawled on his couch reading the fifth chapter of ‘ _Co-parenting for Happy Kids’_ , an awful book he really didn’t want to even own but he felt he should.

He would _not_ be a dead-beat dad like his own.

His phone rang, probably a crappy midnight case but Ellie’s face flashed up and his heart sped up.

‘ _Nick_?’ her tone made his heckles rise in an instant. ‘The baby, something’s _wrong_ ’ he could hear the fear in her voice even above the wailing of a siren.

‘What, what happened Ellie?’ he blurted already pulling on his boots and grabbing his keys.

‘She got sick, and then went floppy...Nick, she’s so hot!’ she rattled out shrilly.

‘Which hospital B?’ he asked, trying to use his calm voice as he swung onto his motorbike.

‘Metro-West Children’s, Finn’s driving us, blues and twos. Ni…Nick I’m…come on baby, wake up for momma’ Ellie had started crying now.

‘Ellie I’m on my way, less than ten minutes. It’ll be ok’ he said with certainty in an attempt to reassure her.

_It’ll be ok._

He ran into the emergency room to see Ellie staring at the frosted examination room doors, her hand over her mouth. Hovering over her stood a giant of a guy, Nick only just took in they were holding hands before he called out to her.

Her face was tear-streaked and deathly pale, but her shoulders dropped a little when he stood beside her.

‘No news yet, they’re assessing her’ she reported tersely before he even asked. Suddenly a hand was thrust at him.

‘I’m Luke Finley, Finn, you must be Emilia’s father’ the guy said it politely, but the vibe was mildly intimidating.

Nick responded with his best firm handshake ‘Nick Torres’ he couldn’t say the obligatory ‘nice to meet you' bit. It was not nice, and he felt more than a little put out that Finn’s firm hand had dwarfed his own.

_Jesus the guy is huge!_

‘Emilia Bishop?’ called a doctor from down the hallway. Ellie hurried towards the lady in scrubs.

‘Is she ok? What’s happening?’ she quizzed before she had even come to a stop.

Holding up her hand, the doctor calmed her. ‘She’s fine, a febrile convulsion most likely. We’ve given her something to bring down her temperature and some fluids, we’ll keep her here for a few hours to be sure, and then she can go home. In a few minutes, I’ll bring you two in’ she was looking up in admiration at the man-monster.

‘Oh, erm, this is my boyfriend Finn, but Nick Torres here is her dad’ Ellie clarified then blushed furiously.

 _Boyfriend_ , it cut deep but he pushed the pain away.

 _This is about Emilia_.

When the doctor left Ellie slumped in relief and for just a second both he and Finn eyeballed each other, silently slugging it out to decide who should comfort her. Nick took a step back.

 _Boyfriend_ , she had said it. She had never called _him_ her boyfriend; they had never got that far. The invisible blade in his self-inflicted wound twisted again; his decisions, his consequences.

Ellie was called a little while later to try to feed Emilia, leaving both Nick and Finn sitting alone in the snug family room.

The frosty silence lasted about ten long, awkward minutes.

‘She didn’t tell me everything, Torres, but what little I _do_ know says you did whatever you did to protect Ellie. I know you’re not a bad guy’. Finn hadn’t moved from his relaxed, arms folded, legs stretched out with ankles crossed pose on the chair.

Nick could have fired up at him, _who the fuck was he to give his opinion?!_

But he didn’t. He accepted it for what it was, an opening peace offering. Ellie and Finn were together, Finn would be part of Emilia’s life so he would be part of Nick’s. He had to make it work.

‘From what I hear you’re not a bad guy either. You were there for her when I wasn’t’ he conceded.

There was silence for another few minutes. Both of them sitting facing each other, arms crossed, faces neutral, one man assessing the other.

‘I don’t have to like you though’ Finn stated conversationally.

‘Aww man, I really don’t like you either’ Nick confirmed jovially.

‘I hate your guts, there, I said it’

‘I’m not _thrilled_ by your existence, but my middle finger likes you’ Nick demonstrated with a sincere smile.

‘She lights up when she looks at you’, he mused evenly, locking eyes with Nick.

‘She’s safer with you’ Nick finished their little peace negotiation and got up, just in time to meet a less frazzled looking Ellie.

‘She’s awake and she fed a little. Do you want to sit with her for a while?’ she offered her eyes twitching nervously between him and her boyfriend.

Agreeing quickly, he took a seat beside his daughter’s little hospital cot. She was stripped down to her vest and nappy and was contentedly kicking her legs about and sucking on her knuckles. Seeing her healthy and happy, he slowly unclenched his frame, held taut with anxiety since the call.

_Man, he was tired!_

Just as a jaw-breaking yawn escaped him Finn’s massive hand reached over and placed a coffee cup on the locker beside him. ‘I asked Ellie, she said black, two sugars?’

‘Yeah thanks’

It was hard to hate the guy.

_She deserves better than me._

Emilia was discharged a couple of hours later with the all-clear. Standing together outside the hospital, Ellie gave Nick a quick hug before promising to text with an update in the morning. He looked on despondently as Finn pulled up in his family-sized SUV and clipped the car seat into the base in the rear. All Nick had was an über-sporty jeep and a motorbike, neither appropriate for transporting a kid. Brooding about it, he started planning on selling both and getting a sensible saloon or at least a crossover.

More than that, he realised some _other_ things were going to have to change.

It was nearly 5 am so he went to a nearby diner he knew and thought things through. After his breakfast, decisions made, he headed over to Gibbs’s house, knowing his boss was a very early riser.

Gibbs handed him a mug of his special rocket-fuelled tarry coffee while Nick filled him in on what had happened with Emilia and giving him the heads up that Ellie would probably call out sick today.

‘You could have said all that in a text, Torres, what are you really here for?’ asked his boss bluntly.

‘I want to transfer Gibbs, just sideways, to another team or office or unit I don’t care but still in DC’ holding up his hand as the older man started to bristle. ‘I want to be here for Emilia’

‘And _Bishop_?’ he asked pointedly

‘She’s with Finn and it’s just too hard looking at her, working with her every day’ he shook his head sadly.

He was _not_ expecting the balling out he got.

‘Torres, you made a choice, you involved _me_ in that choice. And I gave you an order to come back and grovel until you got her back’ he barked.

‘Boss, things have changed’ Nick looked down at his rolled up hands and swallowed harshly.

‘You’re damn right they have! You were gone nearly a year; did you think it would be _easy_ , just walk back into her life and she’d fall into your arms? You stay the course, Torres, because you _said_ you loved her’ he stared at him goading him to contradict him.

He couldn’t.

‘I lost her too’ Gibbs muttered quietly. ‘I lost her trust because I backed _you_ up, because you swore to me you would do everything and anything to protect her and then fix what _we_ had done. Did I back the wrong horse Torres?’ he growled out stomping off towards the dining room and returning with a laptop. He slapped it down on the coffee table in front of him and tapped at a few buttons opening a video report from onboard the Roosevelt.

Ellie, but not like he had ever seen her before; gaunt, ashen-faced, ill, her exhausted eyes shadowed with dark circles. The sparkle he loved, extinguished.

‘That’s what I had to look at Torres, for _months._ You’re back what seven weeks, working with her for less than two and you say you can’t hack it?’ he grated incredulously. ‘Look at her face Torres, we did that’ he stabbed his finger angrily at the image.

Nick couldn’t speak. The screen footage of Ellie so fragile and miserable would haunt him, forever.

‘You suck it up Torres, that’s an order. You _owe_ her and you owe _me_.’

So Nick sucked it up and toughed it out. He learned he could cope better if he reoriented his desk, so she was not constantly in his line of sight. They talked about cases and he covered for her if she needed to make a short visit to the nursery, never commenting when she came back from lunch wearing a different top. He became very busy somewhere else when she chatted to Finn on the phone during work but at her apartment Nick was always pleasant to him, accepting a beer or coffee, listening as he reported how Emilia preferred the polka dot blanket to the bobbly one.

Old Nick would have told him to back the fuck off, away, anywhere else, but he knew that would cost him his fragile relationship with Ellie, so he sucked it up.

A couple of weeks later they finally cracked the big case they had been working on, everyone was exhausted but felt compelled to decompress. Kasie as bubbly and energetic as ever suggested that as it was Friday, dancing and drinks were essential. Nick immediately offered to sit with Emilia so Ellie could enjoy her first night out since the baby. But she shook her head and smiled a thanks, saying she had it covered. Kasie wheedled until Nick agreed to come, but he only did really because Ellie joined in, cajoling him that it was team night, all for one and one for all.

Nick arrived at the club a little late after spending way too long looking at his phone trying to figure out a polite way or an excuse good enough not to go. Drinking around Ellie, dropping his guard, was probably not the smartest idea but she _had_ asked him to come along. He couldn’t refuse her.

He spotted the team a mile off, McGee and Jimmy didn’t exactly look ‘cool’ but their wives had obviously been busy de-nerding them a little. The speakers were pumping out cheesy 80’s and 90’s beats and the table was chock full of lurid coloured cocktails in fancy-shaped glasses, umbrellas and glitter sticks galore. He grabbed a beer from the bar and spotted a small enclaved area, just off the main dance floor. Kasie, Jack, Delilah in her wheels and Jimmy’s Brianna were dancing and spinning around.

His eyes flicked around for Ellie until the crowd parted a little and there she was, walking over to him a delighted smile on her face. His breath hitched sending beer sideways down his throat.

Ellie was breathtakingly, jaw-droppingly _gorgeous_. Her chamomile blonde hair tumbled in wavy curls around her shoulders; her going out make-up a little richer in colour accentuated her hazel eyes…and her soft lips. She wore a black, mid-thigh, wrap dress with a flowy ruffle on the hem, which he noticed while definitely _not_ looking at her killer legs in strappy heels. He also did not even think about how amazing it would be to unwrap her by just pulling on the tie belt…

_Cool your jets Torres!_

He was still coughing when she stood beside him, ‘You ok Nick?’ her velvety voice concerned as she handed him a napkin from the pile on the table.

He could only nod, his mouth watering; her perfume assailed his senses with whispers of jasmine, cinnamon and vanilla.

Everything south of the border perked up.

He guessed she was a little tipsy, motherhood must have changed her tolerance of alcohol, and as the girls all came back and polished off another cocktail apiece, she leaned into him, her supple body flush against his, shouting over the music, into his ear, her breath causing the hairs on his neck _and_ something else to stand to attention.

‘This is so much _fun_! I feel like I haven’t been out in an age, you know?’

‘It’s good to see you smile’ he gazed at her happy face and she beamed back at him. That alone was worth coming out for, he thought.

‘Finn’s sister Cate is in town; she’s babysitting in case you’re wondering. She a paeda...pedi, aw heck, a baby nurse’ she blurted with a smile, taking another sip of her blue and orange coloured concoction.

‘I thought Finn…?’ he trailed off as the man himself appeared kissing Ellie on the cheek.

‘ _Finn_! You made it yay!’ Ellie gushed, ‘I was just telling Nick, I’m having _so_ much fun!’

Finn gave a raised eyebrow, chin up salute to him and Nick pointed to his near-empty beer bottle offering to get him one. Giving him a thumbs up, Finn showed him his beer label. He already knew it from the box in Ellie’s fridge.

Kasie’s face was a picture, eyes flicking back and forth between them both like she was watching a tennis match. Over the past couple of weeks she had let it slip that, although she was very impressed with the eye-candy, Marvel superhero, blah blah, something else geeky, she was in her heart ‘Team Ellick’ as she had taken to calling them. It felt good to have someone on his side.

‘What, I can play nice!’ the whispered in her ear as he passed and received a theatrical eye roll from the forensic scientist in return. On his way back from the bar with beers for all the guys and an order placed for another pitcher of cocktail for the ladies, the music changed causing a whoop of delight to go up. ‘ _Sweet Home Alabama’_ was apparently very popular with this club’s crowd. He saw Ellie pull a reluctant Finn on to the dance-floor, suddenly flooded with couples, not a few in denim and cowboy boots.

Back with Kasie, he leaned in ‘if this ends up with line dancing, I’m a hard no!’ he declared adamantly.

‘Oh, I hear you Nick’ she laughed sucking firmly on her stripy paper straw. He glanced over at Ellie dancing, Finn spinning her around country-style, both stepping in synch to the beat, his arm tight around her waist and she looked just so joyful. He took a slug from his beer swallowing down the jealousy threatening to push through his cool exterior.

The music changed again.

A slow one, some deep and meaningful boy-band number from way back. He tried really hard not to look, Kasie even started telling him some wild crazy science story to distract him but like a moth to a flame his eyes found her, swaying to the music close against him, Finn’s huge frame bent over hers while they whispered intimately to each other.

And then they were kissing.

He couldn’t breathe.

‘I have to um, I have to…’ he cleared his throat gruffly.

‘Go, Nick, it’s ok, I’ll make your excuses’ Kasie sympathetically squeezed him in a hug.

Grabbing his jacket, he left the club, stubbornly not looking over to the dance-floor.

It was game over.

A broken heart is the worst. It’s like having broken ribs. Nobody can see it but the pain is unbearable every time you breathe.


	12. No Man's Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No Man's Land (noun): disputed ground between frontlines, trenches or armies who leave it unoccupied due to fear or uncertainty. A piece of unowned land or wasteland.

‘ _Nick!_ What the hell!’

_Oh god!_

As if being back at work, away from Emilia for hours, her own breasts betraying her need to hold her little girl wasn’t bad enough, she now had to cope with the image of a shocked Nick, staring with horrified revulsion at her naked body, at the changes since he’s last saw her like that…

She had a flabby tummy now, and silvery stretch marks and leaking heavy boobs… she pushed down her embarrassment. For Nick it was all about Emilia, as it should be, as she had said she wanted it to be.

And he was definitely keeping up his side of that deal.

Every day since she got back from Oklahoma he came to her apartment and cuddled Emilia for an hour tops. He never stayed later than 8 o’clock, it was _his_ own rule, she had never discussed any such nitty-gritty stipulations. After the first week she knew he was more than capable of caring for her. He tried to be there for bath time even if work ran late, he changed her, bottle-fed her expressed milk and crooned pet names to her in Spanish. Ellie felt like she was missing out on something, not jealous of her daughter, no, just sad that the perfect family life she had always dreamed of, baby girl and doting ‘in love’ parents was not _her_ reality. Ellie started finding it harder and harder to watch those loving ‘daddy-daughter’ moments so she found other things, _any_ things to do. She had never been so on top of her laundry!

She also _had_ to find a way to cope with working with Nick, with seeing him every day and yet not like it was before. She didn’t realise their old banter had brightened her workdays so much. Now, his scrupulously appropriate conversations and diligent work ethic made the days seem interminable.

She missed his smirks, their snarks, the way they thrashed out ideas, theories, how they challenged each other.

He hardly even looked at her; most days he sat _at_ his own desk if you could believe that! And she hadn’t _not_ noticed that he had turned his workstation around so that she only ever saw him side on…she could probably recognise his left ear in a line-up by now!

On the other hand things were warming up with Finn and she liked that. He came over most nights after his shift ended at the precinct unless he was on some raid or bust. They usually had a tea or a take-out or just watched a movie until Ellie’s jaw-cracking yawns would have him standing up and stretching himself, his raised tee exposing that taut stomach muscle area that had her chewing on her bottom lip. For a long while he had ended the evening with a kiss on the forehead goodnight but since she had gone back to work it had become a tender kiss on the lips.

That night was just the same, they were watching ‘Twister’ Ellie leaning against his massive cuddly frame, a scatter cushion between them but her tired head had fallen on his solid shoulder. He turned and looked down at her, probably expecting to find her asleep already but instead she locked eyes with him.

Ellie decided to jump.

Just a small signal was all that was needed. She kissed him on the lips, her hand on his cheek. He waited a couple of seconds to respond, likely shocked that she had made the first move.

‘Ellie, are you sure?’ he murmured, his voice low and husky, unsure and yet hopeful.

She could only smile shyly and nod her confidence.

He kissed her and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rested below her ear, his thumb caressing her cheek as their breaths mingled. He lifted her up in a swift movement and she was suddenly straddling his lap, her knees either side of his hips her hands gripping the back of his neck. She ran her fingers down his shoulder, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and she could feel the beating of his heart against her chest.

Ellie wanted this; she wanted to be close to Finn.

His warm hands were wrapped around her, slipping up and down her back under her blouse, his touch reigniting a long forgotten flame. Her own hands rambled up under his tee, caressing all the tight muscles of his abdomen, his heaving chest. Pulling back from him, both of them panting with breathless desire, she reassured his worried eyes by smiling as she pecked him on the lips, leaned away and slowly opened the buttons of her blouse. His trembling hands, so gigantic against her petite body slowly and gently pushed the blouse off over her shoulders before his mouth trailed a pathway of kisses from her lips to her neck and just as he was brushing his thumb over the swell of her breast, sending sparks in all directions and her hips even closer to his groin, Emilia started crying.

They broke off their incredible make out, and both leaning their foreheads together laughed at each other a little bashfully. Ellie reluctantly pulled herself off his lap, the evidence of his rising passion very unmistakable in his cargo pants.

‘I better, um… five minutes, ok?’ she held up her hand fingers splayed, ‘don’t move!’ she ordered him firmly.

‘I’m not going anywhere’ he smiled in a way that made her want to be back in two.

As soon as she saw Emilia she knew something wasn’t right. Her cry was high-pitched, she vomited up and as Ellie held her, clearing her mouth she noticed the heat rolling off her in waves. And then she went unresponsive. Finn was there as soon as she let out a panicked shriek, checking her airway, for breathing. He immediately snapped Ellie out of her shocked stupor.

‘Let’s get her to the hospital; my car will be quicker than waiting for an ambulance’. He handed Ellie a hoodie and carefully placed the baby in her car seat and rushed out to his SUV. ‘She’s breathing Ellie, you need to sit in the back and shout me if she stops ok?’ Ellie had forgotten than his car was equipped with sirens and flashing lights, necessary to get to crime scenes as a SWAT responder. She called Nick on the way, she tried to be calm but fear took over when Emilia started twitching

Nick promised he’s get there, and he did. The doctors had only just taken Emilia into resus when a wild-eyed Nick arrived. Finn introduced himself and she forgot, they had never actually met. She hadn’t energy to ponder the dilemma of that, her heart racing, her body cold and clammy with worry.

A tsunami relief flooded over her when the doctor gave the all-clear, struggling to control her breathing she only barely heard the miscommunication.

It was an easy mistake to make. People had assumed Finn was her dad for a long time.

‘Oh, erm, this is my boyfriend Finn, but Nick Torres here is her dad’ Ellie explained the doctor matter of factly.

Her own words hit her like a cannonball. Wow! Well what else would you call the guy you’ve spent months hanging out and had _just_ almost slept with? _Boyfriend._ She glanced at Finn’s thrilled face and blushed furiously.

And then she remembered Nick. She knew that look. His face was carefully neutral, avoiding her eyes, concentrating real hard on something above her head. He was hurt. Nick silently took a step back and thanked the doctor with a polite handshake and then followed her directions into the seating area of a private family room. Finn pulled her into a comforting bear-hug as she wilted, all her adrenaline having burnt off

The rest of the night was calm, though she did wonder what the guys had talked about, there were no bloody noses so all good, right? Emilia was ok to go home and as she stood outside the main doors of the emergency room with a sleeping infant in her arms she looked over at an exhausted, forlorn Nick. She wanted to say something, comfort him somehow but words escaped her. Finn gently lifted Emilia up and carefully strapped her into her car-seat.

On the spur of the moment Ellie squeezed Nick in a brief, tight hug. Fireworks exploded overwhelming her as held him even for that brief space of time. Controlling her voice with effort she promised to call later with an update. Nick’s face was pale in the harsh overhead floodlights but she knew he had felt it too as he dipped his head and whispered a thanks.

Would she ever stop feeling those fireworks? Did she _want_ to stop?

The next couple of weeks were a disaster. Work was so busy with a heavy caseload. Nick came over same as ever, but with the late hours they were working, it was only a short visit during the week and a brief handover on Saturday. Nothing seemed to have changed between them, even when Finn was there, the guys seemed to have come to some polite _understanding._ Ellie maintained a cool neutrality when they were both there, but it didn’t happen often, Finn was working double-shifts so she had barely seen him since Emilia had been ill…so there had been no resumption of _activities_ either. They did kiss more however, full-mouthed and full of promise when greeting and saying goodbye.

She wanted more though.

That’s why she jumped at the chance to go out that Friday. It worked out perfectly. Finn’s sister Cate was visiting from Boston for a neonatology nursing conference and she had enthusiastically offered to babysit so that Ellie and Finn could go out together. She wondered how Finn had explained their unusual relationship to his family, she still struggled to explain it to her own.

It was the first time Ellie had dressed up since before she even got pregnant and she wanted to look good, like sexy hot good for Finn instead of sweatpants, messy hair and smelling of baby puke.

She pulled her wardrobe apart until she found the perfect LBD, a short wrap number, with a salsa-style ruffle that hid everything that needed hiding but showed off her fuller cleavage and split suggestively but subtly over her legs when she walked. She tried to think back had Finn ever even seen her legs…apart from the day she had Emilia, and that was _not_ where she wanted his mind to be! She spent time putting some long GHD curls in her hair, applied some ‘going out’ make-up and threw on comfy wedge, strappy heels gaining a few inches in height

_All the easier to kiss him!_

On arrival Finn was wowed into speechlessness. His sister elbowed him hard in the ribs, apologising for her brother’s dorky face and lack of charm. Seems Finn _was_ renowned for his complete lack of ability to flirt. He kissed Ellie’s shyly, stuttering out wide-eyed sincere compliments, his face scarlet as his sister continued to tease him good-naturedly.

He looked gorgeous; dark jeans, a charcoal fitted shirt with casually rolled up sleeves, showing off _all_ his superhero, heart-throb physique. Distractingly she felt the beginnings of a throb somewhere low in her abdomen as she listed out the do’s and don’ts for Emilia, getting more red-faced and flustered as she registered Cate’s knowing face.

Just as they got into the taxi, Finn’s work phone rang. He had to go in, firearm paperwork discrepancy that couldn’t be deferred. Groaning he apologised and promised to meet her at the club in a couple of hours tops, he even insisted she call Kasie so that they could swing by and pick up the other girl so that Ellie didn’t have to go into the bar by herself.

Outside the club Finn kissed her deeply enough to curl up her toes in anticipation of more. They only separated when Kasie wolf-whistled from her door, then, when they started again Kasie physically pulled her away from him by the hand, Ellie happily running her tongue over her bottom lip still enjoying the taste of him.

Several blue, orange, fizzy, unicorn rainbow stripy drinks later and Ellie was having an amazing night, dancing with the girls, even Delilah, to old-school pop hits, in their own accessible area. Her eyes kept flicking back to their team table. She didn’t expect Gibbs to turn up but she was disappointed that Nick hadn’t.

She shouted over to Kasie ‘Did Nick cancel?’ she knew Nick and Kasie had become pals since he’d come back. He often found them talking together, and he hung out in her lab more often now where he probably would have been perched on her own desk in old days.

She shook her head in an exaggerated no, and showed her phone giving a thumbs up ‘Be there in 10 mins’ read the text from Nick. Ellie’s heart thundered in her chest, though she couldn’t figure out why. She was approaching just past tipsy, maybe that’s why she felt tetchy and impatient. She decided on a bathroom break, her bladder wasn’t what it used to be, reapply her lipstick, and settle her jitters.

Walking back to the table she spotted him, his broad back in a tight black tee-shirt, his toned, tanned arm propped on the back on Kasie’s empty chair. A smile broke onto her face as she realised she was happy he was here, that this arrangement, whatever it was, was weirdly working out. He was in her life, in Emilia’s life and they were able to work together. Ellie’s nervous tension just dissipated and her spirits soared…ok maybe she was a mile or so down the road from tipsy but it didn’t matter.

Nick was coughing on the beer fizz but smiled back at her as she tapped him on the back and leaning around him to grab a napkin she just caught a dizzying inhalation his distinctive spicy scent, stronger tonight than usual she thought. Before he could even ask about Emilia she reassured him that Cate was minding her. Nick didn’t seem to mind.

And then Finn was there, pulling her close to him, his hand trailing from the small of her back down over her hip. She wanted to lean into him too but her gaze kept flicking involuntarily to Nick, his dark eyes zeroed in on hers even as he offered Finn a beer. The tetchiness returned, even a swig of her lurid super-sweet, inappropriately named cocktail couldn’t shift it. Her eyes followed Nick as he went to the bar only half-listening to Tim and Finn talking.

A roar went up across the club when ‘Sweet Home’ came on, she may have whooped too, she loved this song! She kissed Finn on the cheek, ‘Come on, farm-boy, show me your moves!’ impatiently dragging him out onto the dancefloor. Both being born and raised in the country they knew the moves. The music, to her, was like turning back the clock, travelling and returning to a previous life, a happier carefree time full of possibilities and not regrets. Finn was here with her now and she felt elated, twirling and spinning, his massive hands holding her close. Ellie checked over to the table and could see Nick talking to a laughing Kasie.

G _ood, at least he’s not alone._

The music changes tempo, a cheesy slow-set scatters several dancers from the floor but brings some more couples out. Ellie struggled to remember was it Boyz II Men or Backstreet Boys? It didn’t matter, Finn had pulled her close and her arms linked around his waist, his neck still way up in the clouds even with heels on.

He pressed a kiss on her forehead, not satisfied she tugged at his shirt urging a proper kiss. Her tongue was just getting busy, Finn responding in kind when he pulled back, his eyes scrunched tight.

‘Take me home Finn’ she whispered to him.

His chin dropped to his chest and he blew out a breath. Lightly but lingeringly he kissed her on her lips and answered her gently ‘um that’s probably not a good idea Ellie’.

‘What?’ his tone had sobered her up and now looking into his eyes she saw regret and hurt. ‘What’s wrong, did I say something or do something…?’

‘Of course you didn’t’ he smiled gently. ‘Ellie honey, you love Nick you always have, and I kinda guess you always will. I can’t compete with that.’

‘No I don’t, we just, I don’t know... I can’t put it into words. Look _we_ , you and I, we can work, I know we can’ she pleaded desperately.

‘Yeah we could Ellie, we could be great, but I’d always be second-best, and I couldn’t live with seeing disappointment in your eyes every time you kiss me’.

‘So you don’t want me?’ her worst fears bubbled to the surface.

‘Oh Ellie, I _want_ you, I’ve wanted you since you threw up on my boots the day I met you. But I think it’s best if I go’ spontaneously she sobbed against his chest, the air in her lungs catching in jagged hiccups. Finn kissed her the top of her head and smoothed down her hair ‘I have to go , for now anyways, give you guys space to work things out, or not’ he added as Ellie vehemently shook her head.

‘No Finn I- you _can’t_ go, I need you…Emilia-,’

‘ _Emilia_ has a dad who adores her, and _you_ are strong enough to work out what you what and go get it. Maybe it will be me, but you have to take the time to make the choice you can be _sure_ of, and not one you’re just _content_ with’. His husky voice sounded so calm and reasonable, but his face betrayed him; she could see the strain of keeping it together, Nick wasn’t the only expert at building walls.

Even the thought of Nick sent her stomach and lower down fluttering, but her heart ached for Finn, he was a good, kind, decent man and he was leaving her _alone_.

There was no certainty with Nick.

‘He probably doesn’t even want me either’ she muttered, immediately blaming the alcohol for _that_ slipping out.

‘Ellie, I’m maybe not the _best_ person to look to for advice on this’ he raised his eyebrows comically, a wry smile on his face. She buried her head with embarrassment but putting his finger under her chin he gently tilted her head back looking directly at her ‘I will break the dude code though, just because it’s you. He’s crazy about you’ he affirmed with a sad, defeated smile.

He hugged her tightly then, landing more kisses on her head as they swayed together, not wanting to part, until the music changed back to up-tempo beats. Ellie noticed Nick was gone as she got her coat and waved goodbye to the gang, Kasie’s face concerned as she saw tears in Ellie’s eyes. In the taxi back to her apartment they held hands, she couldn’t take in that this was happening.

Finn was leaving her.

Back at the apartment Ellie greeted Cate quickly and headed to the bathroom trying to hide the tears and giving Finn a chance to fill his sister in before awkward questions whizzed around. When she calmed herself and came out, they were alone, Cate already in the cab waiting for her brother. Finn was standing over the bassinette, caressing Emilia’s sleeping face.

He cleared his throat and spoke quietly so as not to wake her, ‘Cate said she was awake til late and had a feed only a half hour ago so she might sleep through for you’ he kissed his finger and tapped her cheek, saying a silent goodbye to the child that could have been his.

‘Finn, don’t… please’ Ellie’s breathing hitched as she already felt the void in her heart, a gaping hollow in her chest, at the thought of Finn not being around.

He pulled her into a hug and with both hands on her face he kissed her lips and then her forehead. ‘I'm only a call away, if you ever need me’ and with that he walked out.

Her rock, her knight in shining armour for so many months had left her, and she felt _bereft_.

Jake, Qasim, Nick and now Finn. Everyone left her. She was alone. A sniffle came from the Moses basket, Emilia blinking her eyes open, Ellie shushed her back to sleep brushing a gentle finger over her chubby cheek. No, she was not alone, she just felt abandoned.

It was a long weekend of no calls from Finn and only a quick text from Nick to confirm he’d been pulled in by Gibbs for a drugs-den stakeout with Liu just off-base in Norfolk and so couldn’t visit. She sent back the daily photo of Emilia, a habit they had gotten into.

She missed Finn, she had relied on his calm, reassuring presence for so long; being without him was like losing a limb. She felt off-kilter, off-balanced, lopsided without his constant support.

But he was right. She _missed_ him but it didn’t _hurt_ like how she missed Nick.

She was still so confused about her feelings for Nick. She knew she trusted Finn 100%. Could she ever _trust_ Nick unconditionally again?

Her brain melted in the internal debate.

She slogged through work on Monday, her head everywhere but on the case. She decided though, her eyes boring into Nick’s back as he sat hunched over his desk, that she would talk to him that night, when he came to visit Emilia. They hadn’t revisited their relationship, the breakup. Maybe it was time talk it all over, clear the air…see what could be salvaged.

She had just collected a sleeping Emilia from the creche after work when she remembered she had left her keys upstairs on her desk and had to trudge back up. Gibbs's raised voice caught her attention, staying behind a panel she waited for him to conclude his tirade expecting it to be Liu or HR getting it in the neck.

But it was Nick who answered him.

‘Boss I’ve _decided_ , you know it’s for the best. I’m transferring to DEA. I’d appreciate if you would sign off on it’

‘No Torres, I think you should try work it out some more’

‘There’s nothing _to_ work out Gibbs, the transfer won’t happen for a month. I’ll talk to her, explain, but it’ll be better for her if I go’.

Ellie’s brain froze.

Rounding the corner, she placed the car-seat down carefully beside her desk and then launched.

‘Are you fricking _kidding_ me?’ she blazed from behind Nick’s back. ‘you two, deciding again what’s best for little Ellie Bishop! Are you _fricking_ kidding me?’ she roared, her voice shrill with temper.

Nick had whipped around, his face the picture of appalled horror that Ellie had caught him out.

‘Ellie it’s not like that-,’

‘How is it then? I have no say, no opinion in what’s _best_ for me?!’

‘I swear, my intention to go is solely for _you_ …’

‘Like I haven’t heard that before…un-fucking-believable’ she uttered under her breath. He reached out to touch her arm, but she shook him off. ‘I have _had_ it, _enough_ , with people making choices for _my_ life, how _dare_ you!’ she glowered up at him, watching as his head flinched back.

Gibbs looked like he was about to add something, to deescalate the row, but she held up her hand ‘Don’t, Gibbs, I’m warning you. This is a personal matter, I’m off the clock’. Her boss pressed his lips together into a straight white line. He gave a curt nod, he stepped away.

Inhaling a shuddering breath, she eyeballed a flustered Nick who was raking his hand over his already dishevelled hair, stuttering out incomprehensible sounds.

‘‘Let me _show_ you I’m sorry’, that’s what you said, Torres’ she reminded him, ‘well I’ve seen enough!’

She growled in angry frustration as inevitable tears coursed down her cheeks.

_Stop crying Bishop, you stupid idiot!_

She turned on her heels, leaving the two men open-mouthed and grabbing up her keys, her bag and the baby she stamped to the lift. Outside the building the weather had turned wintery, a freezing, soaking drizzle hit her face, mercifully masking her tears. Pulling up the protective hood over Emilia’s car seat she stomped towards her car still spitting out choice curses and wounding rebuttals.

‘Ellie, please, let me explain!’ Nick’s voice called from just behind her, but she didn’t turn. She ignored him, heaving the car door open against the driving rain, struggling to buckle the baby in with her slick, wet fingers and irritably dragging the wet tendrils of her hair away from her face.

He reached over her shoulder ‘here let me’ he offered, hands poised to take over.

It was like he poured petrol on a bonfire.

She shoved him back with both hands pushing against his solid chest ‘No! _No_! you don’t get to pick and choose when you are here for me Nick, I don’t _need_ your help, I don’t _want_ it!’

He took a step back, hands up apologetically as she charged towards him, screaming up into his face ‘if you’re going to go Nick, just _go_!

‘Ellie, I’m just trying to make things easier for you, I’m moving-,’

‘How the hell did you do this to me, _twice_! Moving the fuck on! _Unbelievable_ Torres!’ she was right up in his grill now, standing toe to toe, spitting out her words, incandescent with rage.

‘I’ll still be in DC, I’ll still see Emilia every day! I’m just leaving NCIS’ he tried to reason with her but she way beyond that point now.

‘What difference will a month make? Do it _now_ , leave!! It’s what your good at isn’t it, _leaving me_!’ she shrieked, her clenched fists were hitting his chest, she wanted to hurt him, like he had hurt her. Sobs escaped her, her body shivering as the cold rain soaked through her clothes, her frustration overwhelming her.

With a swift move forward he was holding her, his firm hand was clutching the back of her head, his fingers tangled in her wet hair and he kissed her, hot, fiery, passionate and demanding. She wanted to pull away before she lost herself, but she couldn’t. Instinctively her body responded, her own hands twisting handfuls of his shirt pulling him closer to her as she desperately kissed him back and for five seconds the world stopped.

 _No, not like this!_ Anger, hurt, the need to control the situation burned through the haze of desire.

‘No! Stop!’ she tried to push him away, ‘Nick, _stop_!’ but his arm clamped around her waist, his hungry lips found hers again, but she shoved him back.

‘I said _stop_!’ she forced his body away, her chest heaving shuddering breaths as watched him brace his hands behind his head and turn away. The baby started crying, getting splashed by the freezing rain with the car door still swinging open.

‘Enough!’ Gibbs voice barked, bringing them both to their senses, neither aware that he had followed them out to the carpark.

Nick was already striding back to her, ‘Ellie I’m sorry, I’m so-,’ both his hands covered his ashamed face as he shook his head in disbelief at what he had just done.

‘Torres walk it off, _now_! Bishop, in the car, your daughter needs you’ Gibbs ordered roughly in his no-nonsense tone. Ellie pushed her soaked hair back from her face, her fingers trailing over her throbbing lips. Adrenaline seeped away from her and the fight left her. She couldn’t handle Nick’s remorse and regrets, she had plenty of her own to deal with.

She closed Emilia’s door and hauled herself into the driver’s seat, reaching over gently patted dry the infant’s sprinkled face with one of the muslin cloths she seemed to have in every pocket these days. Pulling up another blanket over Emilia, she popped a soother in her mouth and stared blankly at her, drowning out everything else, until she settled back into a contented snooze.

She hadn’t noticed Gibb’s getting into the passenger seat until he cleared his throat. ‘Bishop, do you want to make a complaint about Torres?’ he asked in a terse tone.

‘What? _No_! of course not!’ she was shocked by the question.

_What did Gibbs think was going on?_

Gibbs huffed in relief.

‘He’s leaving me _again_ , Gibbs, after all those months …’ she sniffed trying to quell her tears.

‘He didn’t _not_ think about you then, Bishop, you were the only reason he left and the one reason he came back. He thinks moving now will help you move on.’ His argument made sense but neither man knew all the facts.

‘I am not some fragile thing’ she argued balling up her fists again.

‘I know, but he’s not made of stone either’ he pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to her. Opening it he saw Nick’s handwriting; an email address [for.charlie911@gmail.com](mailto:for.charlie911@gmail.com) with a password ‘GNSDILY’.

‘He told me to only give you this if he didn’t make it out of the Leena op. Maybe you should have a look and then decide. I’ll see you tomorrow, go home and get dry’ he added stepping out of the car and leaving her staring in confusion at the paper in her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the last... thank you all so much for reading!


	13. Phyrric victory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phyrrhic victory (noun): a victory that inflicts such a devastating toll on the victor that it is tantamount to a defeat.

Nick was soaking his hand in a bowl of iced water when he heard hammering at his apartment door. He’d already had one bollocking from Gibbs in the middle of the rainy carpark, he really didn’t need another.

His boss had found him still pacing around like crazy on the tarmac of the lot, pulling clumps of hair out of his own stupid head.

_What the fuck did you just do, Torres?_

Gibbs voice cracked him out of his reverie with exactly the same question.

‘This stops _now_ , Nick, I’ll sign your god-damn papers, if that’s what you want’ he bawled at him, disgust plain on his face.

‘I shouldn’t have…I have to check she’s ok…!’ remorse and concern choking off his words.

‘Go home Torres, that’s an order. I’ll talk to Bishop’. With that the older man stomped off in the lashing rain and got into Ellie’s car. Mechanically Nick got into his own and drove away, heedless of direction.

The journey home was a torture of self-recrimination and frustration.

Her furious face, her hard, flinty eyes as she glared at him, full of seething hurt and rage.

He had never seen her so angry.

He had no idea why he did it, why he had kissed her other than it was a heat of the moment, crime of passion. But she _had_ kissed him back, and for a couple of seconds everything just clicked into place and they had found each other again.

He _couldn’t_ stop even when she pushed him away, he craved her, wanted her, desperate to stay in that perfect moment. It was beyond his control.

But he had crossed a line, _the_ line. And it shocked him to his core that he had forced himself on her, used his strength to hold her body, her mouth to his. If Gibbs hadn’t have come when he did ….

Her look of stunned, outraged disbelief was seared into his brain.

He couldn’t count how many times he fist-punched the steering wheel, his car roof probably had a dint in it from the repetitive blows he landed on it when he parked up outside his block. In the quiet of his apartment it hit him. He had lost Ellie and Emilia both tonight with his sickening behaviour. Unable to keep it all together his frustration exploded only cooling as the pain in his bloodied fist brought him back to his senses.

The urgent pounding at his door continued.

Opening the door, a flustered Ellie pushed in ‘I need to talk with you’ she blurted twisting her hands in agitation

‘ _Ellie_! Are you ok? Is Emilia alright?’ he was stunned she was actually standing in his apartment after how they had parted only a couple of hours before. This was the _last_ place he expected to ever see her.

‘I left the baby with McGee and Delilah, she’s fine.’ She glanced down at his hand, ‘what happened to you? You didn’t punch Gibbs, did you?’ her eyes wide in fear, that would surely be a sackable offense.

_Did she really think he would stoop to that too?_

‘Nope, just the wall’ he shook his head in embarrassment and confusion. He sucked in his breath as her tiny hands carefully examined his swollen, grazed knuckles. Her touch sent jolts of electricity buzzing up his arm, diluting whatever pain he may have had.

‘I don’t think it’s broken, but you should probably keep ice on it’ she kept her head down, looking at his injury and not his face.

‘Why are you here Ellie?’ he whispered, almost afraid of her answer.

‘I told you, I want to talk. We have to work things out Nick, we can’t carry on like this’.

He nodded his head and reaching over onto the table, picked up an envelope and handed it to her.

Opening it she hissed ‘what the hell is this Torres?’ the flinty look had returned.

‘A cheque, $20,000, just for starters’ he reassured her, ‘I want to set up a regular deposit-,’

‘Are you trying to _buy_ Emilia? Buy your way out of spending time with her, so you can leave with a clear conscience?’ her voice rose up a couple of octaves, all the calm of just seconds ago suddenly sucked out of the room.

‘Christ, _no_ Ellie! This is just for, I don’t know, expenses, childcare, a deposit on a bigger place maybe, her college fund if you want!’

Ellie just shook her head.

‘I’m going to be here for our daughter, even if I move jobs. Ellie, if I keep working with you it’ll poison what we have now. I’ll do everything in my power to be the best dad for Emilia, but I completely understand why you need someone like Finn in your life. He’s a good guy’

Her head snapped up as she seemed to assess his statement for sincerity, ready to defend her guy. ‘He’s the best’ she confirmed tightly.

Nick just nodded silently, he knew he wasn’t good for her, he wasn’t her _best_ option. Finn was.

‘Your decisions affect _me_ too you know? You never think of me’ she muttered still looking down at her feet.

‘I think of nothing else Ellie, you are all I _ever_ think about’ he rubbed his hands over his bristly face.

‘I know’ she sighed quietly.

‘What?’ taking his hands away and jerking his head back, surprised at her U-turn.

‘I _know,_ Nick. I read your emails’

Nick’s breath hitched and his heart jack-hammered in his chest as a cold clamminess spread over him. He had sent Ellie a secure email every single night, for all the weeks and months while undercover, just a five minute reprieve from the stress of the operation, to be _Nick_ and not Ricky Lopez, to spill his heart out to her, apologise, tell her he loved her, promising to make it right again, hoping she would forgive him.

He was _supposed_ to be six-feet under before she ever got to read them, yet here she was, biting on her bottom lip trying to decipher the emotions flitting over his face now that he had lost the ability to secure them behind his carefully built walls.

Those emails were a window into his soul, an open door to his most intimate fears, thoughts, hopes and dreams. And now she had read them. He felt naked, exposed, vulnerable.

He took a hard swallow, ‘Gibbs shouldn’t have done that’ he croaked out past the hard lump in his throat.

‘Gibbs shouldn’t have done a lot of things, Nick’.

She took a tiny step closer to him and he found himself struggling to breathe. The past few days had been a rollercoaster of emotions, kissing her again and being pushed away had broken something deep inside. He just couldn’t take anymore. He had no fight left.

‘What do you _want_ , Ellie? I’ll go, I’ll stay, just tell me’ he asked the question defensively, a reflex of self-preservation knowing another defeat, another sucker-punch to the guts was coming.

Looking down at his boots he saw her feet take another step closer, she reached out her trembling hand and touched his hip, just above his waistbelt. His head snapped up, eyes widening as she leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

She was about to say something when her phone buzzed the ‘Gibbs’ tone, she even looked like she was going to ignore it, giving barely noticeable shake of her head, a blush coursing up her neck giving her away until his own phone started hopping too.

Now he _wanted_ to punch Gibbs and not an innocent wall!

Pulling the phone out of his pocket he answered ‘Boss?’ tersely never breaking eye-contact with Ellie, whose breathing rate was skyrocketing.

‘We’re up! Turns out our drug dealing Marine and his Neo-Nazi pals are running a meth lab out of his basement. They’re armed to the teeth, full gear Torres. I’ll text you the address’

‘Got it Boss’

‘Same directions sent to me too, we better go, huh?’ Ellie flipped straight into work mode, pulling out her car-keys and dashing ahead of him out his apartment door to pull out her go-bag and armoured vest out of her car trunk. Surprising him she pulled open his passenger door and got in, leaving him in a dazed trance, fingers frozen still closing the Velcro tabs on his own vest.

They hadn’t driven anywhere together since he got back. He felt his heart skip with optimism.

In the car they didn’t speak about what had just happened between them. Ellie tied up her long. tousled hair, adjusted her own vest and checked her weapon, while he just rehashed through the case file, trying not to be distracted by the smell of her vanilla shampoo, or her confident, professional preparations, reporting concisely what they knew about the suspect and his accomplices. He knew them to be ruthless crackheads on a good day, cornered they would be lethal.

On arrival at the scene cops and agents had the humble corner house in a usually quiet neighbourhood surrounded, sirens wailed, and red and blue flashing lights illuminated the whole street. Both he and Ellie reported to Gibbs who gave them a hard, appraising look, no doubt taking in that they had arrived together in Nick’s car, and they weren’t trying to murder one another.

‘You two take the east side, there’s a lot of shrubberies and vegetation so be careful. Metro PD are about to raid, our guy is crazy enough to try ‘death by cop’, I want him alive’

Nodding in receipt of their orders, Nick and Ellie carefully proceeded to a covered location protected by a builders’ skip and waited for the gunfight to start. He hated her being here, even though he knew she was a better marksman then he was. They were so close to sorting things out, he had to bite down on his natural protectiveness and let her do her job…or suffer the consequences of pissing her off again.

Automatic gunfire rattled and flashed through the windows of the house, they could hear the shouting and barked orders of the assault team. Both of them aimed their weapons on the rear of the property, waiting for a rush of escapees but none came. In just a couple of minutes, it was all over. The shout went up of ‘ceasefire’ followed by ‘all clear’ and Nick slowly relaxed, puffing out a breath loudly enough to have Ellie smiling shyly at him. Getting up from their crouched position he held out his hand to her which she grabbed, her smile broadening. He pulled her up, her body flush to his own, and his heart bounced with the joy of having her close, of touching her, but then she stepped away and he followed her gaze around his shoulder.

‘ _Finn!_ I didn’t know you were on this shout!’ she blurted; anxiety clear as a bell in her tone. For just a few moments he had forgotten about her boyfriend but now his humongous feet were just crashing through his happy ending.

Nick glared at the guy, who only had eyes for Ellie and the fact he and Ellie were still hand in hand. Nick dropped her grip like it was on fire, trying to cover for her but got a hurt look from Ellie in return.

‘Torres, good to see you’

_Wow this guy was cool under pressure, no wonder SWAT suited him._

If Nick had been in his shoes, he would have decked him…well _tried_ to, the guy was massive.

Ellie continued smiling nervously at Finn, but something was _off_. But she _had_ to know, he would never let Finn lay a hand on her or ball her out, right? He hadn’t thought Finn was the type, but you just never knew how some men could react when they were jealous.

What had happened between them tonight was Nick’s fault, not hers. He had kissed Ellie, in the carpark anyways, and he had pulled her up just now and held her close, enjoying every second of it. Nick planted his feet, rolled his shoulders and clenched his fists ready for whatever came next.

But he wasn’t ready.

None of them were,

Finn, his face suddenly alert, took two rapid steps, grabbed Ellie and threw her to the ground behind him whilst simultaneously aiming his assault rifle. Nick pulled his own weapon and spun following Finn’s eyes to his target.

Too late.

Gun shots pealed out. Nick spotted the assailant and floored him with three centre mass kill shots.

And then the screaming started.

Ellie was leaning over Finn’s body on the ground, blood already pooling out for under him.

‘ _Nick_ , call for paramedics!’ she screeched. Nick ripped out his phone and called Gibbs, ‘Boss, we need a bus here _now_! Finn is down.’

Throwing the phone on the concrete, he ran his hands over the Finn’s huge frame. At least three hits that he could see, one in the flank just below his vest oozing blood heavily, another in his shoulder and one in this thigh, squirting out blood to the beat of his heart. Nick slapped his hand down firmly on that one trying to stem the bleeding, while Ellie used both hands to apply pressure to the wound on his side.

Finn hissed out a groan in pain as Nick pushed down harder, the blood still oozing through his fingers. Thinking quickly, he pulled off his own belt and tightened it as a tourniquet around the big man’s thigh. That working somewhat, he bumped Ellie’s small hands off the flank wound, indicating with a tilt of his chin that she should take the shoulder hit.

‘Paramedics are coming Finn, just hold on ok?’ she commanded, her voice high-pitched with stress.

‘It’s ok El, don’t worry, it’s ok’ Finn whispered, his face losing its colour even under the crappy street lighting.

‘Don’t you dare Finn, don’t you dare give up’ she ordered in a breaking voice. But Finn knew, just as Nick did that this was not going to end well.

Finn grabbed her hand away from the shoulder wound and pulled it up to his mouth, laying a kiss on her knuckles, his breathing becoming erratic as the blood loss became unsustainable.

‘Don’t - cry’ he panted

‘Fight, Finn, fight! I love you, ok, I love you!’ she whimpered hysterically.

‘No, you don’t… but thanks for… saying it… anyways’ he gasped out, still smiling at Ellie

Though Ellie’s admission hurt, he had been expecting it, but Nick was shellshocked hearing Finn’s. He barely noticed as Finn grabbed his own hand until he pulled it up and joined it with Ellie’s blood-soaked one on his still shuddering chest. Finn held their hands there, together, until the strength left him, and his huge hands slid away lifelessly.

As his breathing came to a stop, Ellie just collapsed against Finn’s body.

Nick had to do something. He ripped open the Velcro of Finn’s bullet-proof vest and started doing chest compressions while Ellie, snapping out of her distress, took his lead and counted out loud, covering the mouth-to-mouth respirations, continuing CPR cycles again, and again and again. Exhausted, Nick stopped while Ellie’s shaking fingers checked his throat for a pulse, but she shook her head, her bloody hand covering her mouth in despair.

‘No, _come on_ Finn! She needs you man!’ as Nick started yet another round of compressions.

They continued until the paramedics arrived, both knowing it was hopeless but both doing the resuscitation protocol anyway.

The ambulance crew applied the electrodes of the defib to his exposed chest, the gaping holes and bullet bruises that marred his body another horrific sight for Ellie to process but she wouldn’t leave Finn’s side until Gibbs had to pull her away so they could shock him.

But Finn was gone, and heart-wrenching, guttural sobs erupted from Ellie as she cried against Gibbs chest, and there was nothing he could do to comfort her except hold her. Gibbs gave Nick the nod and passed her shaking frame into his waiting arms. She grabbed on to him scrunching up balled fistfuls of his shirt and she grieved for Finn.

Nick held on to Ellie, smoothing down her hair and kissing her head, sickened by the thought that he had won the battle for her, but the cost had been devastating, and far too high.

Would she ever recover from this?

**Epilogue**

Ellie lay in her bed resting like her mom told her to, having fed Emilia and settling her off to sleep. It was early evening after a full-on day, a packed house of her brothers, their partners, her nieces and young nephew, her parents even Nanna Raye came over for a visit to meet the newest member of the Bishop family. Emilia seemed completely unfussed by the noisy chaotic cacophony of voices, laughter, plates clattering, doors slamming and food being raucously cooked and shared out. Maybe that was because she was born in the middle of a gun fight, Ellie thought idly.

Ellie sneaked another glance over at her sleeping daughter, snuggled up in the family crib that Ellie had herself slept in. Every day she looked more like her daddy, more like Nick.

She didn’t come home often but it was moments like this, surrounded by all her teenage nick-knacks in the room decorated in pretty floral wallpaper she had picked out with her dad, lying in her bed covered by her mom’s handmade quilt that she appreciated her home. It was still her refuge, her safe haven.

It was just a few days off Christmas and Ellie had been home in Oklahoma since Finn’s funeral almost two weeks ago. Gibbs and Nick had drove her and Emilia down to Finn’s hometown in North Carolina and her mom had met them there. Finn’s family had insisted on her being with them for the ceremony. There were no harsh words or recriminations just relief that she had been with him in his final moments, a loving face as he breathed his last.

His mom Kathleen had pulled her into a tight hug reassuring her, ‘He told us, it’s ok, he was happy to let you go find your heart. You were honest with each other. That means more than if you stayed with him and broke his heart. I raised him right.’ Ellie had no words to answer her back; she had raised him right. It had been her privilege to know him, to have loved him.

She had loved him, just not enough.

Nick stayed in the background watching on, but Finn’s family insisted that everyone was included in the celebration of his life, even the baby. Nick was pleasantly surprised when he learned that the ‘Lucy’ part of his daughter’s name was for Luke, the gentle giant of a guy he would always be grateful to.

Ellie and Nick hadn’t talked or done anything about where _they_ were at now. Everything stood frozen in time, Ellie barely holding it together as she went through the motions of caring for Emilia, grieving for Finn and coordinating funeral arrangements with his family and police family liaison. Finn, dying as he did in the line of duty, would have full departmental honours even though his family chose to have him buried at home in their small family plot on their farm.

As the shots fired over his coffin, each crack jolted through Ellie’s body, she shushed Emilia who awoke with a startle. Guilt still pulsed through her, she had hurt Finn, had played an unfair game, one he could never win and to the last he still put her first and it had cost him his life.

She would have to live with that.

After the ceremony and the wake Nick came to say goodbye, he was heading back to DC with Gibbs and Ellie was travelling on home for the holidays with her mom and Emilia. Ellie looked waif-like in her black woollen dress and coat, always pale but she was almost see-through today, all colour leeched from her face. He took Emilia out of her arms and gave her a cuddle whispering endearments to her in his own tongue, she gurling back in delight.

It was an awkward goodbye, her mom and Gibbs filling in the gaps with polite chitchat. Neither Nick nor Ellie knew what to say. Mrs Bishop finally took the baby to the car and Gibbs walked back to his own leaving them standing alone in the cold descending dusk.

‘I’ll call when we get to our motel tonight, and when we get home tomorrow’.

‘Ok, don’t get too tired driving, and make sure you eat something’ he worried how she had lost so much weight in the last week or so.

‘I’m sorry…I’m-,’ she stammered not really sure what she wanted to say to Nick but he just shushed her with a quick kiss on the cheek and pulled her into a hug, hoping to warm her up. She melted against him, his body radiating heat as it always did regardless of the wintery weather.

Breaking away she kissed him quickly on the lips, ‘don’t let Gibbs work you too hard’ she smiled, ‘you know what he’s like when he feels short-staffed’

Nick laughed, but in his heart, he’d be grateful for all the work Gibbs would throw at him, he needed the distraction.

And then he let her go, both of them.

Ellie lay in her bed unable to sleep despite the quietness of the house now that all the family had gone home, they would all be back again for the craziness of Christmas Eve and she looked forward to that…though it niggled her that her own little ‘family’ wouldn’t be together for their first Christmas.

Nick hadn’t asked and she hadn’t offered to spend it together, since Finn both of them seem adrift at sea, rudderless, no course set, treading water their heads barely above the surface.

Thinking over all they had said, and not said to each other set her heart careening sideways again, she was going nuts, she was even hearing his soft voice on the outside of her head now.

His voice…and her mom answering him.

She sat up bolt upright in the bed as her mom tapped on her door, whispering ‘Ellie honey, you have a visitor, and you better be quick, your dad’s talking to him’ she smirked wryly.

Nick had lasted just over a week without Emilia, without Ellie, and he knew he had to do something …drastic.

It was the day before Christmas Eve when he broke the news to his boss, Gibbs just barked, ‘took you long enough Torres’ as he okayed his leave.

Seems working undercover 24/7 for months had the silver lining of serious amounts of rolled over mandatory annual leave days that had to be taken. Nick took the lunchtime flight and hired a car to follow Gibbs’s directions to the Bishop homestead a few miles outside Hinton, pulling up on the frosted driveway just after 7pm.

The farmhouse looked picture perfect, glowing with warm homeliness. Christmas lights sparkling like falling jewels from every window and porch post. He was so glad his daughter would have this magical place as a holiday tradition in her life.

Knocking at the door he really hoped this was a good idea, it all sounded perfect in his head back in DC, even on the plane down but now his palms were clammy, and his heart thundered in his chest. An older man answered, smiling a greeting until Nick introduced himself.

‘Nicholas Torres, sir, uh Nick,’ he faltered under the man’s hardening gaze. ‘May I speak with Ellie please, if she’s home of course…I can come back if she’s out…’

‘Bob, who is it? Don’t leave them on the doorstep!’ Ellie’s mom was at the door, just behind her husband, ‘Nick! Come in, come in!’ she smiled jubilantly while also shooting a glare at her spouse.

‘Um, thanks Mrs Bishop, I just wondered if I could maybe talk to Ellie?’

‘Of course, come in and it’s _still_ Barbara, this is Ellie’s dad, Bob Bishop’

‘Mr Bishop’ Nick held out his hand and her dad reluctantly shook it continuing to eyeball him.

Barbara elbowed her husband, but he shrugged, ‘Mr Bishop is just fine, for now. Coffee?’ he conceded.

‘Yes, thank you, sir’ Nick replied contritely. How would he react to a guy that had treated his Emilia like he had treated Ellie?

_A bullet, body-bag and a shovel._

Barbara led him into a cosy living room, fully decorated for Christmas, a massive tree, children’s handmade crafted decorations and an evergreen holly and ivy garland twinkling with lights over the mantle of a roaring fire. Cinnamon, cloves and gingerbread fragrances wafted through the whole house.

He really, really hoped this was a good idea.

Mr Bishop had just placed a mug of coffee on the table and her mom landed a full tray of baked treats in front of him. ‘Eleanor will be down in a minute, she was just having a snooze, we had a busy day, all the family were here, it’s a pity you weren’t here earlier you could have met them all’.

Nick choked a little on his coffee thanking the lord that he didn’t catch that morning flight. Things with her dad were awkward enough without having rocked up in the middle of her brothers and extended family all out for his blood.

‘Maybe I’ll see them over the holiday…’

‘Oh, you’re staying for Christmas?’ she seemed delighted by the idea.

‘Erm that depends…on Ellie I guess’ he muttered, his rising nerves drying this throat, leaving him struggling to swallow down the delicious bite of cake he had been enjoying.

Ellie had tried to tidy herself up, changing out of her baggy sweatpants and hoodie and pulling on jeans and a Fair Isle sweater. Her hair was a disaster, but she braided it quickly into a loose plait. Her fingers trembled in the endeavour, why was Nick here? He probably missed Emilia was all.

Ellie walked with a confidence she didn’t really feel down to the living room and found a terrified-looking Nick being quizzed by her mom and eyeballed by her dad, the tag team from hell for boyfriends.

But Nick wasn’t her boyfriend, she didn’t really know what he was.

Nick’s heart lifted as soon as he clocked eyes on Ellie. She looked better, rested, rosy-faced, maybe happy-to see him, he wasn’t sure, but he was happy to see her anyways.

‘Eleanor, why don’t you and Nick walk down to the cottage? The stove has been on all day in there for the kids to hang out so it’s warm. You can have another look for that Lego R2D2 little Joey lost there today. We’re just having lasagne for supper tonight; I hope that’s ok’

Both Nick and Ellie had to pull their eyes away from each other just to answer her mom.

It was dark and cold outside, Ellie pulled the collar of her winter coat up further to her chin as she walked the well known pathway to the newish cottage, really a tiny wooden cabin used by her nieces and nephew as a kind of den and as a garden room for crafting for her mom. Ellie imagined it would be perfect for an art studio, where she could enjoy painting surrounded by the sounds of the woods.

Nick was definitely out of his comfort zone; it was literally pitch black except for the glittering of starlight on the frosty ground beneath his feet. He followed Ellie’s sure feet until they reached, yup, a cabin in the woods. Opening the door, she flicked on the multitude of fairy lights that illuminated the wooden ceiling and walls.

‘The kids watch movies here sometimes, we’re a long way from a cinema’ she smiled ruefully as she opened the stove door and piled more sticks on the still glowing embers inside. Steading her breath she took the plunge. ‘Why are you here Nick?’

‘I, um, wanted to, _needed_ to see you’

‘ _Me_ …not Emilia?’

‘You _and_ Emilia, but to talk to you first’.

‘Well, she’ll be waking up in about a half hour, so we can walk back up to the house and you can spend as much time as you want with her’ Ellie sniffed, readied herself for the disappointment, the confirmation that his new job in DEA had come through. Of course, his visit was all about Emilia, it was her first Christmas after all. She should have discussed some arrangements around that, she chided herself internally.

‘I have a gift for you, I know it’s a bit early, but I wanted to give it to you now, alone, just the two of us, so I can explain’ he stuttered out.

He pulled a small wrapped parcel from his coat pocket, handed it to her, holding his breath while she ripped off the festive paper.

‘A diary?’ she looked up in confusion, turning the leather-bound book over.

‘Yeah, for next year’ he swallowed hard, it was all or nothing, now or never.

‘Ellie, you were right, I told you I would _show_ you I was sorry for what I did, the things I said. So…a diary for next year, each week I’ve planned out and pencilled in _dates_ , normal couple stuff, the movies, fancy meals, things we never got to do and _family_ stuff too’ he blurted when she raised her eyebrows questioningly, ‘you know like day trips, the zoo... I don’t _expect_ anything of you, physically’ he swallowed hard again, ‘but maybe if you give me, _us,_ another chance, more time, if we go slow, like _glacial_ slow you could maybe forgive me, trust me again.’

‘And that’s what you want?’ she murmured, the disappointment cutting through her, her eyes stinging as she held back tears.

‘Yeah, that’s all I want Ellie, to be with you, to be a family’

‘No’ she shook her head slowly and deliberately.

‘ _No_?’ his heart shuddered to a stop, ‘no to all of it?’ he whispered his voice quaking.

‘No, I don’t want glacial slow Nick. I want you, now, all of you, the hot, passionate, charming, annoying, teasing guy I fell in love with’ she burst out.

‘You- you want…?’ he stumbled over his words his throat constricting some more as he stared at Ellie wildly waving her arms around trying to clarify herself.

‘Hell yes, I want _you_ , Nick, I want us to be like we _were_ , that first night we got together, when we made Emilia, I want to do _that_ again, to feel that with you. I want you to _want_ me…not just as your daughter’s mom’ she hit her chest with her splayed hand, emphasising her need to be loved in her own right staring into his stunned face. ‘I need you for _me_ Nick, physically, emotionally and in every damn way there is’ her breath was running out.

Nick took a step closer to her ‘can I ask a question?’

‘Sure, go for it, why not’ she spat out exasperated with the man before her.

‘One or two?’ he asked, the corners of his lips fighting a smile, his eyebrows slightly raised with a playful smirk, the kind of smirk that lit all those fires way down deep below and turned up her heat to max. He had taken another step closer their coats rubbing against the other now.

She took a chance and looked into his deep chocolate brown eyes, his pupils already dilated as he flicked a glance to her lips and moved even closer, his hands now on her hips.

‘Huh?’ The ability to talk failing her as she stood mesmerised by his eyes, the warm distinctive spicy scent radiating off him, his hands slipping up under her jacket.

‘One more baby or two? I have to say I’m easy. If you want to do _that_ again I’m all in, we could keep going of course, three? It’s entirely up to you’

‘Nick! I’m being serious!’ she stamped her foot on the wooden floor.

‘So am I Ellie’ he answered his tone completely sincere. ‘Are you finished talking for now? Can I say something?’

‘Mm hum’ was all she managed nodding as he moved his face so close their noses touched.

‘Ellie Bishop, I want you, I _need_ you, I think about making love with you _all the time._ Because I _love_ you, and I will _never_ stop loving you so I’m just going to have to marry you if you’ll have me and make lots more baby Bishops with you. Because I love you’ he added for clarity.

‘I love you too, Nick’ she had started a nervous hiccupping kind of crying somewhere along the way, emotions finally overwhelming her.

His hands were holding her face, his warm thumbs wiped away her errant tears from her cheeks and they kissed, shy at first then slow and gentle, each sharing their love with the other, each kiss washing away the months of hurt and doubt and regret.

And then they changed their minds, hungry open-mouthed kisses were necessary. In urgent need to be closer to each other Ellie started tearing at his clothes needing to feel his skin against her own. Smiling while his mouth still kissed hers, Nick unzipped her coat, shrugging his own off his shoulders as she did her own. Ellie’s hands had just started on his belt buckle, the fabric of his jeans straining to accommodate the rigid fullness there, when her phone rang. Rolling her eyes with a naughty glint at the now puffing Nick, she pulled her phone out of her back jeans pocket, took a breath and answered it in a shaky higher than normal pitched voice.

‘Hi mom’ her cheeks glowed red, with embarrassment at being caught almost in the act and due to Nick’s hands slowly unzipping her jeans and dipping his warm hand in.

‘Hi, we thought we’d take Emilia over to your Aunt Tessa’s house. It’ll probably be better if we stay over there tonight, in case that snow comes’.

There was no snow forecast.

‘Ok mom’, she hissed, her hips jerking against Nick’s expert fingers.

‘Ok well, we’ve plenty of milk with us, so we’ll see you, _both_ , tomorrow sometime’

‘Yes, you’ll, erm’ she really tried to concentrate on formulating words as his other hand slipped up her tee and gently teased its way into her lacy bra stroking her with a rhythm matching his other hand’s movements, lower down. Not wanting to be outdone she dropped her hand deliberately inside his boxers, making his eyes roll back in his head.

‘Yup, tomorrow, and mom?’ she cleared her throat, and held him a little firmer, to make sure she had his full attention and she gave Nick a shy smile ‘my _fiancé_ will be staying with us for Christmas. I hope that’s ok?’ she asked the question of her mom and Nick.

His face burst into a dorky, dazzling smile a thousand times brighter than the sun, as pure joy flooded over him, nodding his head enthusiastically then planting more hungry kisses on her lips as she hung up on her mom still whooping with delight down the phone and tossed it over onto the sofa. Nick swung Ellie up into his arms, kissing her breathless as he spun them around joyfully, until neither of them were sure if they were seeing stars or just fairy lights twinkling all round them

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and a lifetime to repair.

Trust in a relationship is a leap of faith.

Nick and Ellie decided to jump together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and for all the amazing comments and feedback. I'm so glad I shared it with you lovely people.
> 
> I had a ball writing this, such a fun thing to do in the midst of a pandemic!  
> I really hope you all liked the ending! It was always the plan!
> 
> I guess it's time to get cracking on my next tale!  
> Thanks again,  
> C xxx


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